Wednesday, December 31, 2003

2003 Blogs of Distinction

Should old blog posts be forgot and never brought to mind?

Without question, yes. But never let it be said that we always did the right thing. And in that spirit we present to you our 2003 Blogs of Distinction Awards.

Why are we presuming to pass judgment on the world of amateur opinion editorializing? Well, why not us? This year, blogging awards have proliferated on the Internet like flashing, pulsating, popping ads on TwinsGeek.

Worse yet, these unregulated arbiters of blogging excellence keep giving top recognition to the likes of that whiny kid from Star Trek and Hugh Hewiitt. (No, they're not the same person.) The laughable injustice of these awards has compelled us to act.

In summary, us presenting blogging awards may be a bad idea. But it's a bad idea whose time has come! So, without further ado, here are the official 2003 Blogs of Distinction. To all winners please remember, we kid because we love. (Except for the City Pages blogs - we don't love them.)

Blogger Most Likely to Be Visited by the Homeland Security Department (or a Psychiatric Team)

WINNER: City Pages editor Steve Perry for his charming "Bush Wars". It was Perry's sidekick Mark Giselson who penned this insight into the fevered mind of our local alternative weekly:

In my heart, I still believe in revolution. In my heart, I still think I have the 'nads to put my life on the line for a cause. In my gut I think this is the only way we'll ever achieve our goals of economic and social justice. But in my head, I want to win the next election so we don't have to have a revolution.

Giselson also wins the Most Anatomically Confused Metaphor Award for claiming to think with his heart about his 'nads.

Worst Obsession by a Blogger

RUNNER UP: Jack Sparks, The Other Side of Country. It's pathetic enough to obsessively drool and devote your creative energy to an unattainable fixation (see Saint Paul in re: Cathy Wurzer). It's a whole new depth of depravity when the object of your jock sniffing is Big Ditch Road.

WINNER: JB Doubtless, Fraters Libertas. For, among other reasons, his continuous barrage of unsolicited emails to Jack Sparks, telling him what a depraved jock sniffer he is.

Blog with the Most Delusional Self Image

WINNER: The Blog of the Moderate Left, for swaddling itself in the robes of moderation, while featuring commentary like this (his permalinks are down, scroll to October 28):

Christ Almighty, What an Asshole

There are times for politeness, and times to be blunt, and now is a time to be blunt. Our President is a cocksucking liar, who is willing to blame our own soldiers in order to make himself look better.

Geez, If this guy gets any more moderate, I think it's going to be an FCC violation.

Most Pretentious Blogger or Blog Name

RUNNER UP: Joshua Micah Marshall at Talking Points Memo. We don't care if that is your real name, you can't possibly expect to use and it not come off sounding like a pompous ass. Can we just call you Josh? If yes, then we'll be able to decide if that pompous ass thing is actually your real personality.

WINNER: Fraters Libertas. For employing Latin in their title in an attempt to distract people from the fact most of their material is based on talk radio observations and fast food reviews. More pathetic yet, when confronted with irrefutable evidence that "Fraters Libertas" is, in fact, incorrect Latin, they cited established "brand identity" as the reason for not correcting it.

Best Link to a George Will Column

WINNER: A 42-way tie, all earned by our esteemed Northern Alliance colleagues at Power Line. Fans of the well scrubbed, bow tied pundit can rest easy, because if they ever forget how to find George Will on the Internet, these Ivy League Linkers will get them there. Sometimes two or three times per week.

Best Link to a Mark Steyn Column See above.

Best Link to a Charles Krauthammer column See above.

Best Link to a Victor Davis Hanson column See above.

Worst Appearance on National Radio by a Blogger

RUNNER UP: Tie, for the befuddled utterances of Kathryn Jean Lopez from NRO's Corner and the silence and Bartolo Colon affirming quotes from the Elder, Fraters Libertas. Both appearances courtesy of the Hugh Hewitt program (he books the best guests).

Due to overwhelming popular demand, neither of these individuals will be giving a speech at the award ceremony.

WINNER - The Atomizer of Fraters Libertas, for a complete hour of beer soaked, monosyllabic utterances on the (guess what) Hugh Hewitt program at the MN State Fair. According to reports, his performance was so bad some elderly Fair goers thought that they had accidently stumbled upon the Missing Link sideshow exhibit.

Blogger Whose Mouth Wrote Checks Their Ass Couldn't Cash

RUNNER UP: James Lileks, the Bleat. He gets cut some slack due to the overall excellent quality of his writing. But do we have to hear about every time he's too busy for a full Bleat? And the promise of more tomorrow? We know you're a busy man James, what with the multiple columns and all (you don't by chance have any children, do you?). In the future, no excuse is necessary. You owe us nothing.

WINNER: Mitch Berg, Shot in the Dark. If Mitch did nothing for the next six months but blog he still wouldn't make up for all the promised material that never showed up.

Blogger Who Just Can't Decide To Stick Or Stay Away for Good

RUNNER UP: Sedalina. We love her and all and are very happy she's back, but all this dramatic departure and return stuff is killing us. However, it's not killing us as much as the fact that she's able to get more chicks in six weeks than Saint Paul has gotten in two years.

WINNER: Rachel Lucas - whose tortured, self-absorbed deliberations about whether or not to hang up her keyboard got old very fast. And continues to age with each passing week. Verne Gagne didn't quit and come back as many times as Lucas did this year. And he did it with much more dignity.

Worst Ideas for Generating Revenue With a Blog

RUNNER UP: The Blog of the Moderate Left, for asking his readers to provide $150 so he and his wife could go out to dinner. (Scroll to December 18):

I was a participant in the Youth in Government program, and for the past twelve years I've served as a volunteer. This year, YIG is celebrating with a gala dinner, and I'd like to go and take my wife. Unfortunately, the dinner is $75 per person, and I just can't afford that what with a 16-month-old daughter. So what I'm asking for is help. If you like the site, take a second to drop some money in the tipjar.

WINNER: Tacitus. For coming up with the idea of traveling to Iraq. Then asking the readers to pay for it. Then asking the readers to come up with a reason for him to go in the first place.

Send me to Iraq!

Seriously, I'll go. Don't think I'm kidding, either. I'm not sure what I'd do there -- I guess I could write about it like I did Africa. And I'm not sure who would pay for it -- if you really want me over there, you're going to have to pitch in on that count.

I'd also want a serious statement of purpose on why I was going: your vision for my travels.

If you really want a warblogger in the war (although, really, there are already plenty of those if you know where to look), here's your chance. Start brainstorming.

We don't know who Tacitus is, but we're fairly sure he doesn't have a career in sales.

Blogger Whose Unchecked Navel Gazing Reached Egomaniacal Levels

RUNNER UP: Mitch Berg, Shot in the Dark. For referring to himself in the third person while setting his personal tastes as the standard for cinematic excellence:

it's not easy to take books that Mitch Berg found completely unreadable (I made it through about 20 pages of "Fellowship" before I put it down for good), and turn them into movies that are not only monumental and epic, but genuinely touching on a human as well as philosophical level.

WINNER: John Hawkins at Right Wing News for the posting of his Favorite 100 Movies Of All-Time.

The internal struggle he went through debating the merits of #70 Face-Off and #71 Pet Semetary must have been truly epic. Here's a sneak peek at Hawkins' next effort, entitled "My Favorite 100 Pastas Of All-Time":

10) Pennette Rigate
9) Farfalloni
8) Penne
6) Capellini (tie)
6) Fettuccini (tie)
5) Orecchiette
4) Conchiglioni
3) Linguine
2) Spaghetti
1) Egg Noodles

Worst Color Scheme in a Blog

WINNER: SCSU Scholars. Sunlight may be the best disinfectant, but that yellow background color looks like the phlegm a malaria victim might cough up.

Most Disgusting, Uncreative Post about a Bodily Function

RUNNER UP: Rambling Rhodes, for a detailed description of the intestinal after effects of Mexican seafood (scroll to December 22).

WINNER: Rambling Rhodes, for his ode to his own flatulence (scroll to December 8).

Subtlety, thy name is not Rambling Rhodes. Which brings us to our least subtle category ....

Bloggers with Names that Sound Vaguely Pornographic

RUNNER UP: Spitbull.

WINNER: Hindrocket, Big Trunk, and the Deacon from Power Line. No wonder these guys get so much attention from Andrew Sullivan.

And that's the year that was in blogging, 2003. Happy New Year! And days of auld lang syne.


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