|
"Defense is superior to opulence."
-Adam Smith |
Aboot Reader's Rep Home RSS Feed POSTS BY TOPIC 2010 Election Baseball Beer Beer of the Week Books Business Culture Drinking Economics Football Global Warming Health Care Hockey (02-05) Hockey (06-07) Hockey (08-09) Media-Local (02-04) Media-Local (05-07) Media-Local (08-09) Media National (02-06) Media National (07-09) Media National (10-11) Movies Music NARN (04-05) NARN (06-07) NARN (08-09) NARN (10-11) Politics-Local (02-03) Politics-Local (04-05) Politics-Local (06-07) Politics-Local (08-09) Politics-National (02-04) Politics-National (05-07) Politics-National (08-10) Ralphie Religion Separated At Birth? Television Terrorism Travel CHAD THE ELDER: rightwinger23 at hotmail.com Twitter SAINT PAUL: saintp at excite.com JB DOUBTLESS: abunodisceomnes at hotmail.com ATOMIZER: atomizer77 at yahoo.com SISYPHUS: NIHILIST IN GOLF PANTS: NihilistPaul at yahoo.com Twitter THE CRAZY UKE: karkoc5 at earthlink.net FEATURES Beer Ratings 
Recommended Reading Fraters At The Fair Hugh Hugs A Tree Separated At Birth? Travels With Ralphie ATOMIZER's A-LIST JB's SACK SITES SAINT PAUL'S SHOW STOPPERS ELDER's ELITE THE USUAL SUSPECTS IN AGGREGATE CENTER OF GRAVITY INVISIBLE AIRWAVES |
Wednesday, December 31, 2003
Should old blog posts be forgot and never brought to mind?
Without question, yes. But never let it be said that we always did the right thing. And in that spirit we present to you our 2003 Blogs of Distinction Awards. Why are we presuming to pass judgment on the world of amateur opinion editorializing? Well, why not us? This year, blogging awards have proliferated on the Internet like flashing, pulsating, popping ads on TwinsGeek. Worse yet, these unregulated arbiters of blogging excellence keep giving top recognition to the likes of that whiny kid from Star Trek and Hugh Hewiitt. (No, they're not the same person.) The laughable injustice of these awards has compelled us to act. In summary, us presenting blogging awards may be a bad idea. But it's a bad idea whose time has come! So, without further ado, here are the official 2003 Blogs of Distinction. To all winners please remember, we kid because we love. (Except for the City Pages blogs - we don't love them.) Blogger Most Likely to Be Visited by the Homeland Security Department (or a Psychiatric Team) WINNER: City Pages editor Steve Perry for his charming "Bush Wars". It was Perry's sidekick Mark Giselson who penned this insight into the fevered mind of our local alternative weekly: In my heart, I still believe in revolution. In my heart, I still think I have the 'nads to put my life on the line for a cause. In my gut I think this is the only way we'll ever achieve our goals of economic and social justice. But in my head, I want to win the next election so we don't have to have a revolution. Giselson also wins the Most Anatomically Confused Metaphor Award for claiming to think with his heart about his 'nads. Worst Obsession by a Blogger RUNNER UP: Jack Sparks, The Other Side of Country. It's pathetic enough to obsessively drool and devote your creative energy to an unattainable fixation (see Saint Paul in re: Cathy Wurzer). It's a whole new depth of depravity when the object of your jock sniffing is Big Ditch Road. WINNER: JB Doubtless, Fraters Libertas. For, among other reasons, his continuous barrage of unsolicited emails to Jack Sparks, telling him what a depraved jock sniffer he is. Blog with the Most Delusional Self Image WINNER: The Blog of the Moderate Left, for swaddling itself in the robes of moderation, while featuring commentary like this (his permalinks are down, scroll to October 28): Christ Almighty, What an Asshole There are times for politeness, and times to be blunt, and now is a time to be blunt. Our President is a cocksucking liar, who is willing to blame our own soldiers in order to make himself look better. Geez, If this guy gets any more moderate, I think it's going to be an FCC violation. Most Pretentious Blogger or Blog Name RUNNER UP: Joshua Micah Marshall at Talking Points Memo. We don't care if that is your real name, you can't possibly expect to use and it not come off sounding like a pompous ass. Can we just call you Josh? If yes, then we'll be able to decide if that pompous ass thing is actually your real personality. WINNER: Fraters Libertas. For employing Latin in their title in an attempt to distract people from the fact most of their material is based on talk radio observations and fast food reviews. More pathetic yet, when confronted with irrefutable evidence that "Fraters Libertas" is, in fact, incorrect Latin, they cited established "brand identity" as the reason for not correcting it. Best Link to a George Will Column WINNER: A 42-way tie, all earned by our esteemed Northern Alliance colleagues at Power Line. Fans of the well scrubbed, bow tied pundit can rest easy, because if they ever forget how to find George Will on the Internet, these Ivy League Linkers will get them there. Sometimes two or three times per week. Best Link to a Mark Steyn Column See above. Best Link to a Charles Krauthammer column See above. Best Link to a Victor Davis Hanson column See above. Worst Appearance on National Radio by a Blogger RUNNER UP: Tie, for the befuddled utterances of Kathryn Jean Lopez from NRO's Corner and the silence and Bartolo Colon affirming quotes from the Elder, Fraters Libertas. Both appearances courtesy of the Hugh Hewitt program (he books the best guests). Due to overwhelming popular demand, neither of these individuals will be giving a speech at the award ceremony. WINNER - The Atomizer of Fraters Libertas, for a complete hour of beer soaked, monosyllabic utterances on the (guess what) Hugh Hewitt program at the MN State Fair. According to reports, his performance was so bad some elderly Fair goers thought that they had accidently stumbled upon the Missing Link sideshow exhibit. Blogger Whose Mouth Wrote Checks Their Ass Couldn't Cash RUNNER UP: James Lileks, the Bleat. He gets cut some slack due to the overall excellent quality of his writing. But do we have to hear about every time he's too busy for a full Bleat? And the promise of more tomorrow? We know you're a busy man James, what with the multiple columns and all (you don't by chance have any children, do you?). In the future, no excuse is necessary. You owe us nothing. WINNER: Mitch Berg, Shot in the Dark. If Mitch did nothing for the next six months but blog he still wouldn't make up for all the promised material that never showed up. Blogger Who Just Can't Decide To Stick Or Stay Away for Good RUNNER UP: Sedalina. We love her and all and are very happy she's back, but all this dramatic departure and return stuff is killing us. However, it's not killing us as much as the fact that she's able to get more chicks in six weeks than Saint Paul has gotten in two years. WINNER: Rachel Lucas - whose tortured, self-absorbed deliberations about whether or not to hang up her keyboard got old very fast. And continues to age with each passing week. Verne Gagne didn't quit and come back as many times as Lucas did this year. And he did it with much more dignity. Worst Ideas for Generating Revenue With a Blog RUNNER UP: The Blog of the Moderate Left, for asking his readers to provide $150 so he and his wife could go out to dinner. (Scroll to December 18): I was a participant in the Youth in Government program, and for the past twelve years I've served as a volunteer. This year, YIG is celebrating with a gala dinner, and I'd like to go and take my wife. Unfortunately, the dinner is $75 per person, and I just can't afford that what with a 16-month-old daughter. So what I'm asking for is help. If you like the site, take a second to drop some money in the tipjar. WINNER: Tacitus. For coming up with the idea of traveling to Iraq. Then asking the readers to pay for it. Then asking the readers to come up with a reason for him to go in the first place. Send me to Iraq! Seriously, I'll go. Don't think I'm kidding, either. I'm not sure what I'd do there -- I guess I could write about it like I did Africa. And I'm not sure who would pay for it -- if you really want me over there, you're going to have to pitch in on that count. I'd also want a serious statement of purpose on why I was going: your vision for my travels. If you really want a warblogger in the war (although, really, there are already plenty of those if you know where to look), here's your chance. Start brainstorming. We don't know who Tacitus is, but we're fairly sure he doesn't have a career in sales. Blogger Whose Unchecked Navel Gazing Reached Egomaniacal Levels RUNNER UP: Mitch Berg, Shot in the Dark. For referring to himself in the third person while setting his personal tastes as the standard for cinematic excellence: it's not easy to take books that Mitch Berg found completely unreadable (I made it through about 20 pages of "Fellowship" before I put it down for good), and turn them into movies that are not only monumental and epic, but genuinely touching on a human as well as philosophical level. WINNER: John Hawkins at Right Wing News for the posting of his Favorite 100 Movies Of All-Time. The internal struggle he went through debating the merits of #70 Face-Off and #71 Pet Semetary must have been truly epic. Here's a sneak peek at Hawkins' next effort, entitled "My Favorite 100 Pastas Of All-Time": 10) Pennette Rigate 9) Farfalloni 8) Penne 6) Capellini (tie) 6) Fettuccini (tie) 5) Orecchiette 4) Conchiglioni 3) Linguine 2) Spaghetti 1) Egg Noodles Worst Color Scheme in a Blog WINNER: SCSU Scholars. Sunlight may be the best disinfectant, but that yellow background color looks like the phlegm a malaria victim might cough up. Most Disgusting, Uncreative Post about a Bodily Function RUNNER UP: Rambling Rhodes, for a detailed description of the intestinal after effects of Mexican seafood (scroll to December 22). WINNER: Rambling Rhodes, for his ode to his own flatulence (scroll to December 8). Subtlety, thy name is not Rambling Rhodes. Which brings us to our least subtle category .... Bloggers with Names that Sound Vaguely Pornographic RUNNER UP: Spitbull. WINNER: Hindrocket, Big Trunk, and the Deacon from Power Line. No wonder these guys get so much attention from Andrew Sullivan. And that's the year that was in blogging, 2003. Happy New Year! And days of auld lang syne. Labels: Blogs-Local
He Get's High On....Life?!?
Yesterday talk radio host Hugh Hewitt made the following confession: "I used to mainline on Up With People." I gotta believe that is the first (and God willing the last) time the words mainline and Up With People have been used in the same sentence. Here's a great Simpson's bit on the subject: Announcer: And now, get set for our fabulous halftime show, featuring the well-groomed young go-getters of `Hooray for Everything!' Homer: Oh, I love those kids. They've got such a great attitude! Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, `Hooray for Everything' invites you to join them in a salute to the greatest hemisphere on earth, the Western Hemisphere! The dancingest hemisphere of all!
Our Day At Bushwood?
Over at the DNC blog, Kicking Ass, whose motto should be "come for the silly, immature name-stay for the silly, immature content", the natives have become quite restless of late about the gents at Power Line. Here's a snippet from one ass kicker named Ed Farley that Powerline noted yesterday: "Then, of course, there is the matter of Republican sites not allowing the profane to add informed commentary to their lovely country club blogs. It would seem that even they must know of the knuckle-dragging, Rush Limbaugh fed, race-baiting reactionary baboons attracted to the banner of the Grand Old White Peoples Party these days." This is absolutely outrageous and truly despicable. You guys belong to a country club and haven't invited us? Sure Atomizer would probably end up puking in somebody's Porsche, JB can be a bit loud and obnoxious at times (with or without his plaid pants), and it's true that Saint Paul would spend most of his time leering at gray haired ladies as they bend over to putt, BUT STILL we're supposed to be friends aren't we? That whole Northern Alliance of Blogs thing has to count for something doesn't it? It's not like we're asking you to take us out on the links or anything. You do have a pool at your country club don't you? Pool or a pond. Pond would be good for us.
Rapper's Delight, Readers' Lament
Just when you thought it couldn?t get any worse .... the Star Tribune starts rapping. In what I presume is a light hearted attempt to summarize 2003, fussy, middle-aged white guy Bill McAulife tries to channel Tupac Shakur. (And if McAulife isn?t a fussy, middle-aged white guy, my apologies for stereotyping. In my defense I was profiling based on the fact he raps like a fussy, middle-aged white guy). But even amid the light-hearted rapping, the Star Tribune is able to get it?s holiday message through. The title of the piece? Rapping up 2003: A year of despair. Ed over at Captain?s Quarters (an accomplished poet in his own right, even for a middle aged white guy), does a fine job of further analyzing this embarrassment. I?d like to see Ed tackle some of Bill McAulife?s previous verse. Like his 2002 Waltz. Or his 2000 Poem. Please compare and contrast and tell me how either of these differ in structure and style from his so-called rapping. UPDATE: The Bard of the Northern Alliance, Captain Ed, accepts the challenge of analyzing the back catalog of Strib poet Bill McAulife. This is a huge act of pubic service on Ed?s part, since just reading the the poetry of Bill McAulife is more of a challenge than most are willing to take. Thanks for taking the bullet on this one Ed. And rest up, since the doggerel of McAulife appears to be an annual Star Tribune tradition, we?re going to need your services again one year from today.
Tuesday, December 30, 2003
Atomizer Likes His Chicken Spicy
Atomizer plans a January trip to Las Vegas with his lovely bride-to-be. Atomizer discovers soon afterwards that Las Vegas may be targeted by terrorists. Atomizer is getting worried. Atomizer discovers that it is snowing on the Las Vegas strip a week before his arrival. Atomizer is getting upset! Atomizer has reverted to uncontrollable third person references to himself. Atomizer is losing it!!
From last week's City Pages, Paul Demko provides a musical recommendation:
Big Ditch Road's debut album "Ring" is the finest slab of roots rock to be produced in these parts in the last 12 months, owing to Darin Wald's ache-sodden vocals and Brian O'Neal's equally woebegone pedal-steel work. And anyone who's lived through a Minnesota winter can comprehend gravel-voiced troubadour Ben Weaver's lament on "The Ocean Ain't Blue": "All I know is that it gets so dark sometimes I can forget that I've got eyes." Ache-sodden, woebegone, gravel-voiced lamentations? That does sound good. Do you think it's too late to get Ruben Rosario a Christmas gift? Labels: That's Entertainment
Collect The Whole Series
Just in time for the New Year we are proud to release the latest in our line of Hugh Hewitt action figures. This one depicts Hugh in his role as Minnesota Commissoner of Hockey, wearing the maroon and gold and skating with the legendary Hanson Brothers: Some of you were disappointed that you didn't find a Hewitt action figure under the tree this year, but fear not, we still have a few of the initial run available and a host of new models are planned for the future. Coming soon: Hugh as Minnesota Master of the High Horse. Includes My Little Pony for Hugh to ride. (Thanks to James Phillips for designing Hockey Commissioner Hugh)
The Terrorist In The Mirror
Two months I was browsing in a Barnes and Nobles (yes, the evil corporate giant-I believe I also stopped off at the adjoining Starbucks Cafe for a cup of java while there- buwah! buwhah! buwah!) when I noticed the 2004 Almanacs were out. I hadn't purchased an Almanac since my college days when they were a staple of my bathroom reading material. But in order to sharpen my trivia skills, and seeing as how they were selling for ten bucks a pop, I decided to pick one up. When I'm at work I like to get out of the office for lunch. On most days I'll bring a lunch with me and eat it at my desk while working. Then, when I have a chance, I'll head out during my lunch hour, usually to a local park. I will then listen to the radio, read, or write in or near my car (weather permitting). It's nice to have reading supplies on hand so I try to keep a couple of books in the car at all times. My recently purchased Almanac is one of the books I have in my car now. One of the nearby parks that I like to frequent is across the street from Flying Cloud Airport, a regional feeder airport here in the Twin Cities used mostly for corporate and general aviation. It's relaxing place to read or write and watch planes at the same time. It's also used by the local police department as a training area for K-9 units, so it's not unusual to see a squad car or two at the park. Getting the picture? I'm sitting in my car with an Almanac, watching an airport, and scribbling in a notebook with police officers close by. I wouldn't have thought twice of my behavior until I read this: The FBI is warning police officials across the United States to be alert for people carrying almanacs, cautioning that the popular reference books ? covering everything from abbreviations to weather trends ? could be used for terrorist planning. In a bulletin sent Christmas Eve to about 18,000 police organizations, the FBI said terrorists might use almanacs ??to assist with target selection and pre-operational planning.?? The FBI noted that use of almanacs or maps may be innocent, ??the product of legitimate recreational or commercial activities.?? But it warned that when combined with suspicious behavior ? such as apparent surveillance ? a person with an almanac ??may point to possible terrorist planning.?? I plan on turning myself in to the FBI tomorrow before Atomizer has a chance to rat me out for a few pieces of silver. For a more sober take on this serious subject let us turn to those staunch defenders of freedom, (just ask them) the valiant librarians: Deborah Caldwell-Stone, deputy director of the American Library Association's Office for Intellectual Freedom, said the bulletin "is criminalizing the use of the most basic reference resources, which people have a legitimate reason to have. ... This is the kind of thing that leads to profiling." And the problem with profiling terrorists to keep us safe is what again?
The Future's Not Ours To See
National Review Online has a Symposium on 2004 Predictions by noteworthy media types (and Kathryn Jean Lopez). Jonah Goldberg's and Clifford May's are easily the best of the bunch, but Hugh Hewitt is the only one who saw fit to include a mention of blogs: The Evangelical Outpost and Power Line become the must-read blogs of '04. Ahem...ahem...Didn't you forget a certain humble blog in your list Hugh? A blog that has become a "force" in the blogosphere in the last year and shows no signs of going anywhere but up in 2004? Sure Joe is doing a great job over at the Evangelical Outpost and the guys at Powerline are a class act, but you're missing out on a rising blog that's staring you right in the face. Dismiss us if you want Mr. Hewitt, but clearly you have committed a grave oversight by failing to mention the real must-read blog of 2004. We speak of course of no other but Spitbull. That's right, Spitbull. Listen Hugh. Spitbull's voice is the voice of a new generation. Our generation. Their time has come. Of course given Hugh's past record of prognostication (how 'bout them Buckeyes?), his prediction about Powerline and Evangelical Outpost becoming must-reads of 2004 may just be the kiss of death for those two fine outfits.
What Color is the Sky in His World?
Pioneer Press columnist Ruben Rosario climbs out of his bottomless well of black depression long enough to summarize the state of the world in 2003: It was, at best, a bittersweet year. The economy slumped before showing signs of disputed resurrection. We invaded Iraq and lost hundreds of our young men and women in the process. We bagged a demented tyrant in Saddam. But America's true Public Enemy No. 1 ? Osama bin Laden ? eludes capture. On the local front, we clawed through a devastating state budget deficit and endured high-profile shootings at a school and a courthouse Bittersweet? He?s got the bitter part down, anyway. I wonder how hard he had to fight his natural hack instincts to resist starting this column ?It was the worst of times, it was the worst of times.? Thanks Ruben for sharing your bleak, dismal vision of America with us in the pages of our local paper. I do think this may be the worst Christmas ever. Let?s also thank both local newspapers for their consistent hectoring editorial voice this holiday season. I was almost starting to feel comfortable there for a moment, but now you?ve properly afflicted me. Your journalism professors would be proud.
Monday, December 29, 2003
The Blogging Meritocracy?
Joe Carter at The Evangelical Outpost has an addition (with a nod to Eloise at Spitbull) to his outsanding Series on Blogging . Read 'em all but in particular, #6 The Myth of the "Discovered" Blogger. It is a dead solid perfect examination of what it takes to for a blogger to make the leap to the "mainstream media". Hint: it's about a lot more than writing.
High Crimes
Fraters drinking buddy Tim Blair reads the riot act to a brazen repeat offender: One problem I have with Molly Ivins is that she?s a goddamn joke thief. And not just once, but twice. In October the Texan gag bandit repeated her crime on CNN: ?I went out to California to look at this race and came back saying, oh, Gray Davis makes Mr. Rogers look like he was on steroids, and Arnold Schwarzenegger looks exactly like a condom stuffed with walnuts. This was not the most profound observation I have ever made about serious public affairs, but it's irresistible.? Irresistible ... to steal! Ivins lifted ?the observation she made? from Australian writer Clive James. It?s at least a decade old. Resign, you shameless, dishonest, joke-pinching she-beast! (To avoid the righteous wrath of Tim, and being labelled a shameless link larcenist, I should report I first saw this on Instapundit.)
Why Do They Hate Us?
In the course of celebrating the Packers victory, a blog called Cheesehead Sports is doing something I've never seen before. Fisking a Sid Hartman column. I guess folks not from here take his writing seriously. I admit I do read Sid, and genuinely like his contributions to the sports conversation, but more so as a living history exhibit of what journalism used to be like in the 50's. The 1850's. They also provide a Vikings joke worth repeating. As with all great humor, it's funny because it's true. What is the difference between the Minnesota Vikings and a dollar bill? A dollar bill will always give you 4 quarters. The Packers Report message board is also helping me put things in the proper perspective with nuggets like this: I prayed to St Vince to give us a miracle and looked what happened. My buddy kept telling me I was crazy to pray out loud like that and GUESSS WHAT??? HE heard 1million Packer fans screaming for a miracle. Damn it we deserved this. The town and the team are what's best in America. GOD LOVES THE PACKERS!!! Of course, they offer condolences to Vikings fans as well. Though savagely communicated, it's hard to deny the essential truths behind each: But it must be maddening to have your team look so good (6-0) only to implode in your face. Sucks to be a Viking this morning! Again! It's gotta suck being a Viking fan! Every year ends like this! Screw you Queenie fans. Go home and sulk in your beer and worship Randy Moss some more. Just when the Packer's season is about to hit the crapper, we can always leave it to the Minnehaha Chokekings to bring us back from oblivion. But then some extremist has to start in with the irresponsible rhetoric: Evil has been defeated. Do you think this guy accidentally clicked over from a Howard Dean message board?
He Holds No Truths To Be Self-evident
The SCSU Scholars have been admirably detailing the controversy over the proposed Minnesota social studies educational standards. Last week King had a post on an exchange that took place last May between state senators Michelle Bachmann (R-Stillwater) and Steve Kelley (D-Hopkins) over the role that the Declaration of Independence should play in the standards. It was of particular interest to me since I had the pleasure of meeting Senator Bachmann in August on The Patriot boat cruise and have the displeasure of having Steve Kelley represent me in the Minnesota Senate (I've worked on the last two unsuccessful campaigns to unseat him). He has ambitions of higher political glory, which thankfully have not been realized. Kelley is the chair of the education committee that will consider the new standards next month, so his opinions on the relevance of the Declaration of Independence carry weight. Here are a few quotes by Kelley from King's piece: "There's an over emphasis on the Declaration of Independence, and some just factually wrong kind of things contained in there that seems to reflect a viewpoint on the country's founding that I don't know reflects the scholarly consensus or a mainstream viewpoint," Kelley said. "I'm not sure it's accurate historically or legally to call the Declaration of Independence a founding document. Hmmm...I wonder what Senator Kelley would think about people waiting in line just to see a broadsheet copy of the DOI? Or a road trip around the country to showcase the "People's Document"? Or a good liberal like Norman Lear paying 8.1 mil for the copy on tour? How about some of the causes (women's rights, civil rights, etc.) that were profoundly influenced by it? Obviously out of the mainstream. At least Senator Kelley's mainstream. Senator Bachmann probably put it best with this response to Kelley during their May exchange: "Sen. Kelley, what do we celebrate every 4th of July? The Declaration defines our rights and our freedom."
Duh, right? I've always kind of thought there was a little something off about the guy. He just comes across as such a...meathead. And I'm still not sure what's going on with that accent of his (too much time around some of the star players?).
But I was unaware of his metrosexual tendencies: Eventually, Tice was asked about his job status and said: "I don't worry about that. I'm a good football coach. I know that. Right now, I'm more worried about my daughter and my wife. I know they were here today. I know they are upset, and I haven't had a chance to talk to them." Your wife and daughter? WTF? What about the fans? The players? The owner? I imagine he was probably in some kind of daze after such a pathetic loss (btw Mike good idea to go for the touchdown on 4th down in the first quarter!) and I should cut him some slack, but "worrying" about your wife and daughter after you have completely failed to do your job as a football coach strikes me as being just a little too modern. Vikings fan may now add the obligatory comparison to Bud Grant. Labels: Football
Same Old Same Old
Get over it, boys. It happens year after year after year after year. Each and every time the Vikings need to win a game to make the playoffs...they fail. Skol Vikings Skol, Vikings, let's blow this game Skol, Vikings, defame your name Let 'em get that first down, then another touchdown Rock 'em, sock 'em choke choke choke choke Go Vikings, let 'em run up the score You'll hear 'em yell for more V - I - K - I - N - G - S Skol, Vikings, let's go!!! When does baseball season start?
Sunday, December 28, 2003
In 1999 after the Vikings lost to Atlanta in the NFC Championship game I put together a list of the ten worst sports losses that I had witnessed. Today's game would probably deserve a spot in The Agony of Defeat.
By the way with today's loss the Vikings finished 9-7. They lost four games to teams that finished 4-12. Four f'in games. This team did not deserve to go anywhere. Today justice was served. Labels: Football
I'm Feeling Better Already
Bill Tuomala gives the healing process a jump start with his tough love analysis of the Vikings game and identification of where this choke resides in the gleaming pantheon of Vikings chokes. The only part he left out was the fact that this entire loss can be layed in the stone hands of North Dakota native Jim Kleinsasser, who is singularly responsible for bobbling the onside kick and killing our dreams. This proves once again, you can?t trust these people for anything more substantial than blogging.
It's Only Just Begun
The Vikings history making choke today against Arizona guarantees that KFAN's (the local radio station that broadcasts the Vikings) Fan Line phone lines will be lit up like the Vikes secondary was in the last two minutes of the game. I look forward to two solid hours of wailing, gnashing of teeth, and calls for Mike Tice's head. Listening to the pain and desperation of these callers is actually quite amusing for me as I stopped living and dying with the Purple a few years ago. The worst part of the loss is not that the Vikings will not make the playoffs, they weren't going anywhere anyway, but that the Packers are now in. The Cheeseheads would do well to live up their glory today though. The Packers playoff run will last about as long as 'Gigli' did at the theater.
It?s Over
It's all over. The Vikings allow the worst team in the NFL to score two touchdowns (wrapped around a recovered onside kick) in less than two minutes. They?re out of the playoffs and the bleeping Packers are in. Looking on the bright side, the pain is over for all of us in Purple for six months and everyone in MN has the day off from teeth grinding anxiety next Sunday. I?d write more but I have an appointment with an inside out shirt and a brown paper sack.
That's A Paddlin'
So I'm walking into church this morning sort of laughing to myself at the parking job someone had created out of a nonexistant space in the lot. Mass is about to start and there are plenty of people piling into the building. About 10 feet from the entrance I hit a nasty patch of pure ice caused by yesterday's above freezing temps and dang near violenty spill myself on the pavement. I loudly bellow "JESUS EFFING CHRIST!" as the scare of the fall made me completely forget where I was or what I was doing. Only I didn't say effing. What a boorish, ill-mannered ass I felt like! Several old women (think of those old dames who look on unapprovingly as Mary Tyler Moore tosses her hat on Nicollet Mall) shoot me some of the dirtiest looks I've seen since the last time I cut in at the buffet line at Shoney's. Families with children look over to see who could have been such a crass lowlife. I just kind of looked back as if to say "Hi. I'm pretty much an ahole. How ya doin'?"
Dealing with Loss
The mood in Minnesota today is uneasy as the Vikings lurch toward a possible playoff appearance, dependent on the outcome of their game against the hapless Arizona Cardinals this afternoon. Will we see the Vikings that bludgeoned good teams such as the Chiefs and Seahawks? Or instead will we see the heartless choke artists that crumbled in the face of the stink emanating from teams like the Chargers, Raiders, and Giants? Hard to say, but the conditioned response of any long time Vikings fan to a critical game like this is to assume the worst. This will help you maintain Bud Grant-like stoic dignity during the likely painful ordeal to follow. Accepting loss with dignity is something the fans in Columbus, Ohio haven?t quite figured out yet. As reported in today?s Star Tribune: The Columbus Blue Jackets last won a game on Dec. 2 and are winless (0-6-1-2) in nine games, a team record. They remain without a road win (0-11-1-2). ...sentiment among fans [is best summarized] with the tale of Mike O'Harra, the first season-ticket holder in club history. O'Harra committed to front-row seats for seven years and became the face of the team's fan base. He's appeared in advertisements for the club. Well, with 32 minutes, 58 seconds to go in a 2-1 loss to Calgary, O'Harra turned his Blue Jackets jersey inside out and put a brown paper bag over his head. "I'm embarrassed," he said. "I hate to let anyone know I'm spending this much money for these games." I empathize with the guy, but I do question his strategy. In order to avoid embarrassment over spending huge dough to attend a lousy team's game, he chooses to parade around the arena like a jackass. Sounds like Ohio logic to me.
Aid For Iran
It seems of late that we've been passing around the tin cup quite a bit. From the fundraising to buy medical supplies for the Misericordia Orphanage to helping our troops overseas it's been a busy time for giving. 'Tis the season I guess. And now we are heeding Hugh Hewitt's call and suggesting that you assist the earthquake victims in Iran by making a donation to World Vision. It only takes a few minutes to contribute and help provide family survival kits. The scale of the devastation in Bam is mind boggling. Reports now indicate at least 25,000 dead, probably many more. Obviously the need for immediate aid is tremendous and all possible assistance should be rendered. But I wonder if there will be any consideration in the post-quake rebuilding of Bam for aid to construct buildings more capable of surviving earthquakes. It seems that one of the factors in the high death toll was the poor construction and building materials used in Bam. If the city is rebuilt in the same manner it was be only a matter of time before such a disaster occurs again. I would think the United States and European countries could provide the expertise and assistance to help make Bam better able to withstand future quakes, which are almost inevitable in that part of the world. It is certainly an effort that I would support.
Saturday, December 27, 2003
Haven?t These People Suffered Enough?
Saturday night fever, Saint Paul style. A case of cold Grain Belt Premium, surfing the net, and listening to some Prairie Home Companion on MPR. Those local bloggers out there claiming to be dating gorgeous women with supermodel bodies every weekend may sniff at my entertainment choices for the evening. But I got a couple things going for me. First - the truth. Second, pure relaxation. The world of information at my fingertips, some original down homey humor, story telling, and music in my ears (of which the later two have a more than decent chance of being good), and a golden elixir of locally brewed lager to smooth out any rough edges. But so far it?s been only the bottle that hasn?t let me down. The amateur Internet opinion world is holiday dead and Garrison Keilior is doing one of his cloying live from NYC shows. If the pattern holds, he?ll be mercilessly flogging the country boy in the big city routine in between casually dropping references to cafes on 43rd street where he dined with Yhitzak Pearlman last week. Worse yet the highlights of the show have been billed as the Klezmatics and an appearance by Al Franken. Hipster bar mitzvah music and pissy, elitist anti-Americanism portrayed as comedy (which no doubt will get explosions of laughter from the pissy, elitist anti-Americans from the upper West side in attendance). Franken has also been promoted as just returning from entertaining the troops in Iraq. Short of volunteering for a culturally sensitive ritual stoning, I?m not exactly sure what Al Franken could do to entertain the troops in Iraq. Reports are scant as to exactly what went down there. But prior to Al jumping into his camo fatigues, this is the kind of observation he was planning to slay the troops with (as stated on the PBS Newshour in October): I am tired of hearing the right tell, tell us that we, that liberals aren't patriotic. You know, I'm going on my fourth USO (United Service Organization) tour this Christmas. I'm going to Iraq and to Afghanistan. And I'm just sick of it. And I've been carrying this (statement) around today, because this just made me furious. Okay, Britt Hume said this, not on talk radio, but on Fox. He said this on August, 26 (2003): "Two hundred seventy-seven U.S. soldiers have now died in Iraq, which means that, statistically speaking, U.S. soldiers have less of a chance of dying from all causes in Iraq than citizens have of being murdered in California, which is roughly the same geographical size. The most recent statistics indicate that California has more than 2,300 homicides each year, which means about 6.6 murders each day. Meanwhile, our U.S. troops have been in Iraq for 160 days, which means that they are incurring about 1.7 deaths, including illness and accidents, each day." Now, what he's saying is it's safer to be a soldier in Iraq than to be a citizen of California. He forgets to say that there are 32 million people living in California. And when I go to Iraq, I think I want to read this. You know, I want to -- this is a funny piece of material. This is going to be funny to them, these soldiers in Iraq who are getting killed day by day. And as a comedian, I really hate using someone else's material without crediting them, so I will credit Britt Hume. And I'm sure they will love hearing that. Yes, the boys on the front lines like nothing better than a partisan political hack taking statements from Britt Hume out of context and distorting them. I wonder if it?s this innate sense of what the audience wants to hear that convinced the liberal radio network to make Franken their featured act? Since I didn?t hear any reports of a fragging and since Al right now, as I write this, is immersed in a Vietnam style quagmire of a sketch with Keilor (which clearly has no exit strategy), I suspect he didn?t use his standard material over there. What kind of antics was Franken up to? According to the Army News Service, it sounds like he wisely went apolitical with his act: They laughed and clapped at comedian Al Franken and actress Kari Turner?s skit which mocked the capture of Suddam Hussein. The USO advance promotion of this tour describes the desired tone of the show: The "Hope and Freedom" show is to entertain troops serving in Operations Iraqi and Enduring Freedom later this month, and is being dedicated to the memory of longtime USO supporter and comedic icon Bob Hope. Sgt. Maj. of the Army Jack Tilley, along with country music singers Daryl Worley and Mark Wills, comedian Al Franken, and "J.A.G." star Karri Turner, are headlining the eight-day trip to boost morale for the thousands of service members spending the holidays away from home. In addition, World Wrestling Federation star Bradshaw, pop singers Karma and No Illusion, the U.S. Army Band and cheerleaders from the Washington Redskins will also be joining the tour. Patriotic country music singers, sexy actresses, cheerleaders, WWF wrestlers ..... and Al Franken. Which of those things don't belong here? Franken by the way, just moments ago, described Darryl Worley?s 9-11 tribute song ?Have You Forgotten? as ?jingoistic.? Good to see Franken feels he can return to his typical sneer once he gets back in the friendly confines of Manhattan.
Again With The Wrestling?
I'm sitting around the whoose this Saturday reading Behind Bars, a tale of a bartendress in New York (review soon to follow) and I just happened to turn on Savage--accidental like. He's not really doing politics, as this is a best of show, but damn is it an entertaining few hours of radio. Mike gets a lot of dissing from our fellow travelers--almost as if they have to pick one prominent 'serv that the left really hates and then agree with them to show that they aren't in lock step with The Racists or something. He's telling stories of growing up in New York. The great thing about the stories is that there is a point, but he travels all over the place to get to it. He was talking about the mean friends he grew up with and out of no where he says of one friend: "His older brother was gay. We didn't know it at the time, but he was. He was one of those guys that when you turned 15 he would say 'Hey Mike, how much do you weigh? Let's wrestle. Stip down to your shorts and let's wrestle. What's that bulge there?'" He tells the story as if we all knew someone like that. So tune it in if you get a chance this weekend. A bitter, angry man? Indeed. But he's got nothing if not personality--that classic New York ethnic jew personality that is all but lost on the new generation who have whittled all their cultural edges down with WASP conformity.
Padre Smokes 'Em
The priest at my church is an interesting character. I've written about his very sound homilies a couple of times in the past. On Christmas Eve he referenced 'The Return of the King' in his homily. He's my kind of preacher. Last Sunday he mentioned that on occasion he likes to enjoy a cigar, particularly after a day of rock climbing. He told us that, not long ago, when he was in Colorado, he was doing just that when he was reproached for smoking. "Isn't your body supposed to be a temple of the Holy Spirit?", challenged a young man. "Yes, indeed it is," the wily priest replied, "but in the liturgy that I celebrate incense is often used. So sometimes the temple can get to be a bit smoky."
Friday, December 26, 2003
Nick's People
Poor Nick Coleman. He had a column due that he knew was going to run on Christmas Day. It had to be a meaningful one. It had to show that he cared. It had to matter. But after Kate Stanley's mash note to a recently deceased homeless man had appeared in last Sunday's Star Tribune, he had to wonder how could he expect to compete? She spoke of loving and even hugging, yes hugging, her homeless hunk. Nothing that Nick wrote could match that. But Nick's a cagey veteran columnist. And the old pros always have a trick or two up their sleeves. Nick pulled one of his out with his Christmas column. Take one World War II veteran. Better yet a veteran who was a POW and had survived the Baatan Death March. Add the obligatory homeless angle. In this case the homeless getting a free hair cut. Mix well and serve when warm and mushy. In a small room, with hair trimmings piling up on the floor, an 83-year-old World War II prisoner of war was still getting even: Cutting hair -- as he does every Wednesday -- to give thanks for tender mercies. That's right. It was the story of the elderly veteran volunteering to cut hair for the homeless. It was a perfect storm of schmaltzy sentimentality. And Nick ran with that baby like Onterrio Smith ran with the football last Saturday. Another one of 'Nick's People'. He wishes they all could be 'Nick's People'. He truly does. If he is guilty of anything, maybe it's caring too much. He's Nick Coleman.
Very satisfying Christmas. I had the pleasure of watching my four year old nephew tear open his GI Joe aircraft carrier (it's on my list for next year), die-cast A-10 Warthog with full ordinance (from me of course), space shuttle rescue kit (you wonder if they thought twice about shelving this after the 'Columbia' disaster last year), and numerous rockets of various shapes and sizes. Meanwhile my niece, around twenty six months, received a Volkswagen Barbie, two or three different Barbies to ride in it, an Olivia stuffed animal, and pots, pans, and other play kitchen accessories. Yeah, there's no difference between boys and girls.
I myself scored a Simpson's Christmas DVD, an under the counter radio/CD player for the kitchen, books on Reagan and Lincoln, gift certificates for Amazon, Best Buy, and Barnes and Noble, a five piece model set of generals from World War II (Patton, Monty, Ike, MacArthur, and Rommel), and best of all, from JB Doubtless, a bottle of The Macallan Cask Strength single malt. Yes, it was a memorable Christmas indeed. By the way JB, I hope you enjoyed your glass of Macallan yesterday. It was offered in the spirit of the season and you won't be seeing that bottle again any time soon. But as much as I enjoyed the gifts from Santa and family, what really warmed my heart this Christmas was the generous collection of goodies I received from my fellow Northern Alliance members. Sorry JB, Saint Paul, and Atomizer but anything addressed to "the Fraters" is considered to be my property in a very real and legally binding sense. The guys over at Power Line sent a nifty blue blazer. Mitch from Shot In The Dark dropped off a loaf of what has to be the best banana bread this side of the Mississippi. The SCSU Scholars also were thinking about food with a tin of affirmative action bake sale cookies. The Warrior Monk of Spitbull renown, was kind enough to present me with the latest rendering in his now famous series of toast art pieces. Ed from Captain's Quarters contributed a framed copy of his bawdy version of 'The Night Before Christmas' done in limerick style. I'd give you a sample but this is a family friendly blog and we have certain standards that we attempt to maintain. But easily the best gift I received came courtesy of one James Lileks. And it should come as no surprise that he elected to present me with a very, very special Hummel near and dear to his heart. It had to be difficult for James to part with this one. I'm still waiting for my present from the NA Commissioner. I assume that it's been delayed due to some sort of delivery problem. But any day now I expect to get the call from the good folks at Downtown Jaguar with the news that I've been waiting for. Yes indeed. Any day now. (fade out to sound of fingers tapping...) Labels: Christmas
Sledding With Satan?
Perhaps if Hugh had only read this piece called Why Christians Should Have Nothing To Do With Snowmobiles at blogs4god.com, much suffering could have been prevented. The third point is especially appropriate in Mr. Hewitt's case. Personally, I don't buy the theory that snowmobiling is somehow against God's wishes. God does have a sense of humor after all (unless it was just a blasphemous rumor). If he didn't want us to laugh, why would he have put Hugh on that sled in the first place? Mysterious ways indeed.
The Great Satan Should Lend A Hand
When I heard the news this morning of the devastating earthquake in Bam, Iran (at least four thousand dead, probably many thousands more) my first thought was that this was an excellent time for the United States to demonstrate to the Muslim world our desire to help improve the lot of their peoples. Sending relief supplies, rescue crews, and other assistance as quickly as possible would be both a humane and politically savvy move. Instead of seeing US soldiers in Iraq, Al-Jazeera viewers could see US relief workers helping out in a country that we have labeled part of the Axis of Evil. Hugh Hewitt shares the same thoughts: I hope we are scrambling the international relief agencies to rush assistance to Iran. Nothing distinguishes this country more than its ready aid to those nations with governments that routinely berate it. The rule of thumb is that early reports of death from earthquakes significantly underestimate the carnage, and the first reports from Bam put the loss of life in the thousands, so it must be devastation on a scale that the U.S. hasn't seen in modern times. People who begrudge help to a very hostile government should keep in mind that the Iranian people are increasingly pro-western and the democracy movement is large and growing. The U.S. should respond to Iran as though it was responding to Japan or another close ally. Update: The good Professor concurs.
A veritable flood of post-Christmas SABs. This one from a local blogger who wishes to remain anonymous.
The ubiquitous Twin Cities musician, G.B. Leighton and... The unfortunately almost nearly as ubiquitous Star Tribune sports columnist, Dan Barreiro. (For a truly frightening picture of Barreiro check out his KFAN page. Not many can pull off the 'stache and bald head look.) Labels: Separated At Birth
Separated At Birth?
Dan e-mails to offer this SAB selction. Fearful of being harmed by a barrage of shoes at the Temple Mount, Egyptian Foreign Minister Ahmed Maher and... Afraid of being harmed by the rays of the sun, blood-sucking freak Nosferatu?
Thursday, December 25, 2003
A Slinky Under Every Tree
 May you have a wonderful Christmas and receive all that your heart desires. Especially if it involves Slinkys.
Wednesday, December 24, 2003
Merry Christmas!
Join me in sending a word of thanks to the members of the U.S. Military who are proudly serving our country this Christmas. Think about them when you are celebrating this weekend with your friends and family. They make it possible. Never forget that.
A Little Coal In The Stocking for Jesse And His Seed
Shawn alerts us to the not all that surprising news that the lights have dimmed on Jesse Ventura's MSNBC show: After a two-month run, former Gov. Jesse Ventura's cable show is off the air and there are no immediate plans for MSNBC to bring it back. The news channel's president, Erik Sorenson, sent a memo Tuesday to staff announcing he was extending a previously announced holiday break for the show. "I've decided to focus the majority of our resources on Monday-Friday primetime in 2004," Sorenson wrote. "Consequently, the holiday hiatus for 'Jesse Ventura's America' will continue indefinitely." It's probably not going to be a real cheery Christmas at the Ventura household considering that the ex-gov and his son Tyrell are now both without gainful employment.
The studly star of the movie "American Gigolo" Richard Gere and...
The homeless heartthrob (at least as depicted by the Star Tribune artist) who starred in Kate Stanley's gigolo fantasies, now deceased, Lowell Boswell. UPDATE: Just in time for Christmas the entire collection of Fraters Separated At Birth has been updated for your viewing pleasure. Enjoy. Labels: Separated At Birth
A Masters In Blogging?
Michael Tyworth at Indiana University has just published a study on blogs. As part of his research for the study, Michael sampled opinions on the defintion of blogs and their role in the media from a number of bloggers, including us. His study is a preliminary look at blogs and he concludes that the subject is ripe for more in-depth study and analysis.
Melt My Cold Cold Heart
Sweetie...sweetie? (Groggy) hrufmhf? Are you awake my darling? Yeah I started your coffee already and here's the Journal Ahh, thanks But I do have some bad news for you this morning man of my dreams, Dave Dudley, truck driving honky tonker who did the original version of Six Days On The Road has died That's too bad Indeed...well, I'm off to my pilates class, see you tonight Sometimes when I wake to the soothing tones of Kathy Wurzer on MPR I hit snooze and doze back to sleep for a few minutes. I dreamt the above right after hearing Kathy report that Dave Dudley had indeed perished. What killed me was that she began the report by saying "People that know me know that I am a huge country music fan. Especially of classic country music." To look that good, have that kind of voice, to be that sweet AND to like The Country Music? Even a comitted bachelor like yours truly would give it all up to get a Doubtlessette like that.
Tuesday, December 23, 2003
It's Better To Give
And what better way to celebrate the season than by donating to the Northern Alliance Charity Fundraiser for the Misericordia Orphanage in Chihuahua, Mexico? ALL proceeds will be used to buy medical supplies for the orphanage. Just hit the Pay Pal button on the top of the page or, if you prefer the old fashioned way, drop me an e-mail at rightwinger23@hotmail.com and I'll let you know where to send a check. If you'd like to know how you can help the troops this holiday season, and all year for that matter, Jed Babbin at National Review Online has an article today with some stellar suggestions. Both causes are very deserving and, if you can, I'd urge you to contribute to each of them.
He's Saying What I'm Thinking!
The Warrior Monk over at Spitbull has the same take on the little dust up between the White Stripes' Jack White and the singer of a heretofore unknown "garage rock band" that I had when I first heard of it. Read it.
Now Would Kate Say Something That Wasn't True?
Long time reader, frequent contributor, and writer (a real writer-he's presently busy at work on a book) Gary Larson e-mails to comment on my post yesterday on Kate Stanley's eulogy for a homeless man. He also provides some interesting background on Stanley and reminds us of some of her past work: Neat job taking apart Stanley yesterday. Followed her career since her Day 1 at Strib, right out off the U of MN campus, where she edited the Minnesota Daily, then about as left wing as a newspaper could get. Oh it was a party organ for sure. Lib Dem and DFL all the way, no doubt about it. Stanley was hired right out of the U, with no intervening years of real life experience, or seasoning. Might tell us something about the naive nature of the typical Strib editorialist. Mainly mainly ivory tower types. I laughed, too, at her intended heart-tugging sob story, about the homeless guy, so de rigueur in Strib, especially at the Holiday Season. Your term " self-absorbed guilt-mongering" is so well put. Right on the money! Funny also was Stanley's lengthy piece last year lauding two nuns arrested at Fort Benning, GA, for trespassing, there in "civil disobedience" to protest the training of foreign nationals (at the US Army's School of the Americas) in the ways of torture, or so they said. Stanley utterly believed their slurs on the US military. (Editors note: Stanley's article in question is no longer available online) Her piece exuded praise for the the nuns. It was packed, I recall, with wild-ass assumptions and made-up "factoids." This reflected Strib's distrust of, and quite possibly disgust for, our military. Her piece got a quick no-nonsense reply from retired Gen. John Vessey, former chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff, and my neighbor up here in mid-Minnesota (near Garrison). Now Gen. Vessey is a truly noble American, a gentleman, a real leader, and a class act. He served America exceedingly well, a fellow of impeccable integrity, like his successor, Colin Powell. Vessey tore into Stanley's biased truth-averse column as I've not seen a fellow military man ever do. Heck, he's retired. Why should he care about "good press relations"? (I am a former USAF public info officer, btw, a 'Nam vet; I know about such things. One of my bosses, a colonel, used to say, "they [media] have the last word, you know." So we watched our Ps&Qs.) Gen. Vessey laid it on the line. Stanley assumed the very worst lies as truth, he said, and spread flat-out lies about the US military, about the school at Ft. Benning, about our GIs. He said her piece was "devoid of fact," as I recall, really an all-out assault on the US Army. Well put. (Note: I did an ill-fated letter to Strib on Gen. Vessey's marvelous put-down. Of course it did not find ink. "Last word?") Not a word of rebuttal came from the chastised Stanley to her assumptions, reciting as fact the nuns' tale, now challenged by the former No. 1 US Military Man. Her notions were challenged by, well, by mere truth, a powerful ally, and sometimes quite foreign to Strib's editorial pages, as we all know from daily exposure.
Jonathan at Mangled Cat has an eye opening post on the efforts of some Minnesota counties to ship "our" homeless people to other states. From an article in the DenverPost:
Over the past four years, two counties in Minnesota have given free, one-way tickets to some 4,500 homeless people. At least 63 of those people have taken a Greyhound to Colorado. Mayor John Hickenlooper said Minnesota is playing a kind of shell game. "Who's got the homeless person?" Hickenlooper said. "It's crazy." Jonathan isn't exactly overjoyed at the prospect of this retched refuse being dumped in his state: Shell games being associated with the homeless. What are the odds? I can certainly understand the attraction of that policy. The NIMBY (Not In My Back Yard) approach is a popular one in our society. Everybody wants to do something, they just don't want it done near where they live. What comes out of the guilt is the perfect answer. Send them somewhere else. If we don't have to step around them as they're sleeping on the sidewalk, then we can function under the illusion that we don't have a problem. Out of sight; out of mind, right? So why not? Homeless shelters are expensive. Doesn't it make since to spend that money on an effective policy and move them on their way? Typically I oppose the NIMBY approach to solve problems. In this case however, I choose to make an exception. Besides you guys in Colorado only got 63 out of a possible 4500 that we offered a ticket to paradise to. That's nuthin'. When you consider how cold it can get here in the winter you have to agree that the only humane thing to do is send these folks packing to warmer climes. Colorado's probably not an ideal location either. I hear Florida's nice this time of year. It's not often that I find myself agreeing with Hennepin County Commissioner Mike Opat but it's hard to argue with this: The chairman of the Hennepin County Commission said the program helps homeless people who find themselves in Minnesota without family and friends. "We think the bus ticket forward program is a humane way to help folks maybe have a better chance somewhere else," said Commissioner Mike Opat. See they're cold. And lonely. All their buddies are in other states. How could we not allow them to be reunited? I will not stand by and allow you to drive a wedge between the homeless and their friends. Let us unite and not divide. In your state of course. I'd like to the program expanded. Let's give 'em a bus ticket and a nice fruit basket to sweeten the pot. And perhaps expand the definition of consent. Instead of having the homeless agree to the relocation, let's assume that assent is given and that they actually have to say no to not participate. Those unable to speak clearly or found sleeping will be assumed to have agreed to the trip. The buses will depart at 5am daily, non-stop until the destination is reached. Happy trails. Labels: Urine-caked Drunks
The Creator of Red Ryder Is Recognized
From a piece by Mark Yost at OpinionJournal.com: If the umpteen showings of "A Christmas Story" and a new 20th-anniversary, two-disc DVD set aren't enough to sate your appetite for Ralphie Parker and his tortured quest for a Red Ryder BB gun, then you need to head to this little town in the southwest corner of Colorado. It's home to the Fred Harman Art Museum. Who's Fred Harman, you ask? He's the cartoonist who created Ralphie's hero, Red Ryder, and his Indian sidekick, Little Beaver. But his love of the frontier West didn't stop with the world-renowned series that first appeared in the Chicago Sun on Nov. 6, 1938. In his final 18 years, Harman produced 350 oils, pen-and-ink drawings, and bronzes of rodeos, cowpokes and other rustic scenes, a handful of which are on display here. Not long after the strip began, Harman signed up J.C. Penney Co. to carry a slew of Red Ryder merchandise, including Ralphie's long-sought BB gun. In 1939, Red Ryder No. 1, on display here, came off the Daisy production line in Plymouth, Mich., originally priced at $2.95. But for all the Ralphies the world over--both fictional and real--this museum is a fitting tribute and well worth a visit. Hmmmm...Maybe there was more to the visit to Colorado than we originally believed.
Monday, December 22, 2003
Down at the Minneapolis Star Tribune offices the holidays are a competitive time of year. Columnists try to out-do each other to demonstrate who cares more and who can make their readers feel more guilty. A common opening to these "how dare you feel good, when others feel bad" scoldings might be:
Yes, it's the holiday season but what about... In the past Doug Grow has proved to be the undisputed champion in this area and has easily brushed aside all challengers. But now that Nick Coleman has crossed the river and joined the Strib staff, Grow's reign as king of caring may be in jeopardy. Coleman proved how serious he was about knocking Grow off when he penned a hysterical piece on the homeless and the Ice Palace in St. Paul. Our own Saint Paul did a fine job of riddling Coleman's travesty last Friday, going so far as to call it the "single worst newspaper column ever written in the Twin Cities". Grow tried to counterpunch with a column yesterday on carolers raising money for people who can't afford housing, but it lacked the pathos and self-importance that have become the hallmark of Grow's past efforts. It appeared as if it was time to pass the caring baton on to Mr. Coleman. But then a dark horse came up from the outside and has taken a lead that appears insurmountable. Kate Stanley delivered a eulogy for a homeless man called A man outside (Powerline fittingly described it as 'requiem for a bum') in Sunday's paper. It is a breathtaking work of self-absorbed guilt mongering that had me howling with derisive laughter and pounding my fist on my basement bar as I read it last night. (Warning: if the idea of someone howling and pounding their fist when reading about the death of a homeless man is disturbing to you read no further.) The concept of eulogizing the homeless is hardly a novelty at the Star Tribune these days. The concept of eulogizing a hard working, church going, family man unfortunately is. In fact good ol' Dougy Grow fired off a glowing memorial to a transient named Westside a few years back that left us absolutely appalled. But Grow's effort pales in comparison with Stanley's work to make a noble lion out of a scruffy alley cat: When I first met him at lunch with some friends, he was reading John le Carré. When I joined him at a coffee shop, he was toting Tom Friedman. When I ran into him at the Hennepin County Government Center two winters ago, Mark Twain was in his pocket -- along with a slim copy of the U.S. Constitution. Hence begins Stanley's efforts to convince us that this man was really no different from you or me. He just happened to live in the street. And drink a lot. And he never really bathed or showered. And he did sorta smell like urine. But he read and that somehow confers legitimacy to his life. You can also see that Stanley found some delicious irony in the fact that he had a copy of the Constitution. How many of the Republican business people in the suburbs could say that? We spent the lunch hour chatting about U.S. history, the courts, travel, books. Lowell argued that O'Connor wasn't such a bad Supreme Court justice after all. I insisted Rehnquist was irredeemable. We agreed that Raymond Carver is an overrated writer. At the those point you could cut the pretentiousness with knife. I can imagine Kate telling her friends about the charming homeless man she had lunch with. My homeless man can not only read, but offer literary criticism as well. Do you know how hard it is to find one like that? The building of the noble savage continues: Here was a man you couldn't help but want to be near. He was tall and charming, teeming with dry wit. But beyond that was an almost startling dignity. Interesting choice by Kate to go with "startling dignity". The standard cliché when lauding the homeless is "quiet dignity". You felt that he knew something you didn't. Yeah, such as where the best grates to sleep on in Minneapolis were at. His way of life was mystifying to people accustomed to the world of whirlpools and white wine. Whirlpools and white wine? Where are we? California circa 1976? His way of life was mystifying to people who accustomed to living in a home. Accustomed to earning a living. Accustomed to contributing to society. Accustomed to not being a drunken homeless vagrant on the street! Sometimes he'd drink -- enough that he'd end up in detox or the Hennepin emergency room. Sometimes he'd stay sober for months at a stretch and take a job as a mover to gather up a little cash. "I consider myself a social drinker," he'd say with a smile. Sometimes he was, sometimes not. Ha ha. That's funny. An alcoholic who has ruined his life and can joke about it. Yuk it up Kate. But his drinking habits seemed one of the least important things about him. No. His drinking habits were the reason he was a homeless indigent and why he died at the age of fifty. It's sad but true that his drinking habits defined his life. He was polite. Once he lost his backpack during a wild night that ended in the emergency room. He went looking for it the next day -- explaining in courteous tones at every stop that he'd become inebriated the night before and had been separated from his belongings. "Would you be so kind as to check for them, please?" he'd ask. He seemed not to notice the sneer of the hospital security guard or the rolling eyes of the police property-room clerk, both dismissing this modest inquirer as a drunken Indian. When I mentioned it later, Lowell shrugged. "Not everyone has been taught to be kind," he said. I guess we have to give the guy credit. He goes on a bender, a "wild night", ends up in the emergency room, loses his most prized possession as a result, and then is courteous when he tries to find it the next day. Break out the humanitarian of the year award folks. We have a winner. By the way this "modest inquirer" was both a drunk and, as we learn later, an Indian so those who dismissed him as such were actually quite accurate in their assessments. Kate then gets personal, bringing herself front and center into the story: So this is how I came to love a homeless drunk. If you'd known him, you'd have loved him too. Let's not make any rash assumptions Kate. Several times I dared to embrace him -- and could feel the combination of hungry taking-in and stoicism in him. The pictures of Hugh's snowmobile mishap are quite entertaining. The video of Saddam post-capture brought me much joy. From the number of e-mails I receive every day on it, I assume the Paris Hilton sex video is a must see. But I dare say that there nothing on this earth that I would want to watch more than a clip of the prim and proper, librarianish Kate Stanley hugging this smelly, disheveled bum. She DARED embrace him! What have you done? Kate continues her eulogy with a line that probably does more to rob the man of his dignity that anything he suffered in all those years on the street: How eerie it was to see this good man -- half a year past his last shower, his fungus-flocked feet dangling beyond the bed -- lying so still. Sometimes you don't need to include everything Kate. This was one of those times. I don't know what's more outrageous. The fact that Stanley is holding this man up as if he lived some sort of noble lifestyle, when in fact he was nothing but a loser or that she has to include herself so prominently in the telling of the tale. Was it really ever about him Kate or was it always about you and your feelings of superiority over the rest of us because you deigned to spend time with him? She cares more than you do. Just ask her. Labels: Media-Local (02-04)
The Blog Is A Jealous Mistress
I too wish to congratulate Atomizer on his recent engagement. And I have a message for Dr. Neal Clark Warren as well. In your face doctor. E-harmony schmarmony. My match making record now stands at a perfect 100% success rate. Can you say the same? My only concern upon hearing the joyous news was that married life might impact both the quantity and quality of posts from Atomizer (readers insert own jokes here). But after a discussion with Atomizerette (the fine woman really deserves a better name you know) my fears have proven groundless. She has promised that after he has finished the dishes, taken out the garbage, shoveled the sidewalk, folded the laundry, and knocked a few items off his "Honey-do" list, he'll be able to take off his apron and still have a twenty minute window for blogging each night. Welcome to married life my friend. It doesn't get any better than this. Oh yeah, that whole standing up while urinating thing that you're so fond of? She said that's out as well. Finally one bit of advice from one married guy to another soon to be married guy. No matter how bad it gets or how hopeless it seems, never, I repeat never do what this guy did.
Nice Magookins
What word in the English language has the most synonyms? Roget, Merriam, and Webster may have their own learned opinions on this, but I?d be surprised if they could trump the astoundingly comprehensive list of one word in particular, compiled by National Review Online contributor John Bloom. Given his affiliation with that fine publication, you?re probably thinking the word is ?taxcuts? or ?Clintonsucks.? But you?d be wrong. Perhaps you?d come closer to the right guess if I told you that Mr. Bloom?s more well known journalistic alias is Joe Bob Briggs. Yes, the often times hilarious B-movie critic/historian and host of TNT?s ?Monstervision? series of a few years ago, who revels in chronicling the subtle pleasures of movies such as ?Fat Guy Goes Nutzoid? and ?Femme Fontaine: Killer Babe for the CIA.? Propriety prevents me from telling you the specific word, in all of its prurient glory. But maybe this short excerpt from Bloom?s list will be enough of a hint. Bangles Banzis Baps Barbeaus Barnacles Barnes and Noble Basketballs Bassoons Batons Baubles Bazongas Bazonkers Bazookas Bazoomas Bazooms Bazoombas Clear enough for you? I?m sure all but the most chaste among you have probably guessed by now, the word in question is: Chombalonies Well, that?s one of the synonyms anyway. One I?ve never heard before. But I have heard of many on this list. In fact, I checked all the most obscure, scandalous, and goofy ones I?ve head over the years, and they?re all here. Which makes me think it is indeed comprehensive. As such, Joe Bob?s Canonical ?Hooter? List is a supreme accomplishment in the world of linguistics, the likes of which Noam Chomsky could only dream of . That is, if Noam Chomsky has time to dream of chachabingos, between all of that socialist revolution stuff infesting his subconscious. Come to think of it, maybe that?s why he?s so cranky all of the time.
Just In Time For Christmas
We present the complete collection of photographs from Hugh's Big Snowmobile Adventure. Yes, for the first time ever, they are all assembled in one place for your viewing pleasure. We have included a few never before released to the public. You'll laugh, you'll cry (from laughing so hard), and you'll laugh again. See what happens when a talk radio host leaves the comforts of his studio and starts getting real. The Real Hugh. Available for a limited time only. (When I say limited I mean five or six years at the tops.)
More on Nick Coleman. I always thought he'd someday be found out ripping off the wit and wisdom of Jim Klobuchar or at the very least, the back catalog of Katherine Lanpher. Reader Tom Rolfes speculates that he may be leaning on another crutch for inspiration:
In Minneapolis on business this week and read the Coleman article in black and white. Two thoughts: First, I shared your opinion...for a $100, Coleman could bring 20 homeless to see the Ice Palace. Second, Coleman was channeling Red Sovine. Minneapolis isn't near Appalachia, so you may not know who Red Sovine is. Red was famous for such spoken/not sung hits as "Phantom 309" (a truck-driving ghost story) and "Giddyup Go" (a US country number 1 about a truck-driver being reunited with his son). His all time best though was the million selling saga "Teddy Bear". It gets a lot of play on the C&W/trucker stations around here because (I think) it is a tear jerker about a crippled, fatherless kid at Christmas time. The kid is orphaned because daddy was a-high-ballin a load and got in an awful wreck. The kid somehow winds up in Red's truck and drifts peacefully off to death without the Teddy Bear daddy was supposed to bring him. Yikes. I have to admit, I thought Red came back through Coleman. Don't actually do anything about the problem Nick, just let the homeless long for the thing that they cannot have, it makes a better story. Labels: Media-Local (02-04)
Sunday, December 21, 2003
I Could Easily Take Clark
DERRY, N.H. -- Moments after praising his opponents in the Democratic presidential race as worthy running mates, Wesley Clark said, in no uncertain terms, how he would respond if they or anyone else criticized his patriotism or military record. "I'll beat the s--- out of them," Clark told a questioner as he walked through the crowd after a town hall meeting Saturday. "I hope that's not on television," he added. It was, live, on C-SPAN. The campaign's traveling press secretary, Jamal Simmons, was with Clark at the time. "If anyone tries to question Wes Clark's character, integrity or his commitment to this country or its security, they're going to be in the biggest fight they've ever had," Simmons said. Let's go Clark, ya ninny. I am openly challenging both your integrity AND your commitment to this country, you little fey, sniveling wuss. I am ready for the biggest fight I ever had (and I'm not talking about the time I challenged the Atomizer's knowledge of Andy Warhol's brief musical career).
Memo
To: All priests, bishops, cardinals, etc. who have decision making ability in regards to the mass From: JB Doubtless, average Catholic Re: Requests to keep me coming back every Sunday You guys want us to come back, right? I thought so. Then please, for the love of all that's holy, stop messin' with the freaking service! What am I talking about? Well, here's a short list I compiled after today's mass: 1. No extra peace session at the beginning. Don't make us introduce ourselves to our fellow parishoners okay? We're Minnesotans, and as such don't really like talking to strangers or having to touch them. There is one and one only offering of peace, don't make us do another. 2. No hand-holding! Ever! I had to suffer through the Lord's Prayer with the hand of a woman who smelled like she'd left the service six times to suck down a Parliament Menthol. No. Hand. Holding. 3. Sing songs that I know. I've been goin' to these events for some time now, yet I still can go an entire service without recognizing a single tune. This is unacceptable. What's that? The choir director is sick of One Bread, One Body and wants to try out this delicious new piece he heard in New York? Sorry. I want the Catholic equivalent of classic rock when I go to mass--I'd better know every song by heart. 4. This one is perhaps the most important. Please do not stock the choir that stood in front of the congregation the entire time with young lovelies. Please. I'm trying to get my sinnin' soul saved and I have to look at a 22-year old brunette with cheekbones to the ceiling and the most perfect alabaster skin this side of Shania Twain? What are you trying to do to me? 5. The Blood Of Christ (otherwise known as the wine) is a bacteria frappe. You do know that we have some issues right now with the flu, right? Thank you for your prompt attention to these matters. And can you slide me the number of the brunette? Labels: Religion
Congratulations To The Atomizer!
Good show chap! I'll not soil your moment of glory with ironic put-downs, snide comments or passive-aggressive compliments. I will wait one full day for that. Cheers!
Exclusive Breaking News
The southwestern field office of Fraters Libertas has a stunning exclusive report. The lovely Atomizerette has agreed to be my bride. Now, I know this announcement is going to disappoint my legions of female fans out there, especially those who have become infatuated with me due to my appearance on the prestigious ?Studmuffins of Conservatism? list. To those women I can only say?Saint Paul and JB Doubtless are still available. I?ll admit that JB is a little rough around the edges, but Saint Paul loves cuddling, bubble baths and poetry plus he is quite skilled in the art of macramé, so he?d be a great catch for any one of you. To the Elder, I?d like to say thanks for the suggestions, but I did it my own way. During our after dinner drinks at a local restaurant last Friday night, I excused myself from the table and hopped upon the rented white steed that was waiting for me in the parking lot. I trotted back into the restaurant upon my mount, approached the table, doffed my cap in which I had placed a 10 carat whopper of a ring and said ?Would m?lady care to join me in the bond of Holy Matrimony?? While the gesture went over well with the lovely Atomizerette, I spent the next three hours cleaning the horse droppings off the carpet. Live and learn, I say.
If Only More French Speakers Thought This Clearly
Wild! coach Jaque Lemaire must get pretty tired of listening to the inane questions of reporters who are over-thinking the game. In today's paper he gave this classic quote: "We have sticks, and there's one puck, and you have to pass it around," Lemaire said. "There's a net on that end in which we try to score, and there's a net in our end in which we try to keep the puck away. The game doesn't change."
Saturday, December 20, 2003
Jingle Your Honey's Bells
Proposals: 10 holiday & New Year's Eve ideas Just in case, you know, anyone out there is thinking about it.
They Got 'Em!
No, I'm not referring to the U.S. capturing the top tier of Al Qaeda members. That hasn't happened...yet. I'm referring to St. John's University, my alma mater, finally beating perennial powerhouse Mt. Union for the NCAA Division III national football championship. And they didn't just beat them. St. John's dominated Mt. Union throughout the entire second half to emerge victorious 24-6. Now, I'll admit, I went to only one football game in my four years at St. John's. I spent most of my Saturdays drinking at the Midway and not huddled in frozen Clemens Stadium watching football. I did watch this one, though, and it was a tremendous game. Congratulations to Gags and the boys. You earned it.
Why Do Fools Fall In Love?
In love with Howard Dean that is. A self-professed Deaniac explains: You ought to listen to what the Dean community says about our candidate when we get together. One Deaniac recently told me, "It is nice to have a candidate I can be enthusiastic about instead of holding my nose and voting for." Another said, "He is the only politician who ever has motivated me." And still another: "We aren't afraid to make fools of ourselves for our candidate. And we love that!" As I said, it is a phenomenon! Who would want to miss out on being a part of something like that? Who indeed? Join the Deaniacs today and become a political fool. I have to admit, it's a hard message to resist. (Thanks to Rick for the heads-up on this one.)
Paul Myhrom, Not What You Would Call A Metrosexual
A local business owner in this town named Paul Myhrom wanted to build a bike shop next door to his house. But, his neighbors nixed the idea by signing and delivering a petition to the city council that said a "business presence was unwelcome in our neighborhood." Okay, fine he said. He has now decided to build two one-bedroom apartments that would be rented to the state Department of Corrections to house released prison inmates--including perhaps sex offenders. "For my neighbors that didn't want a bike shop next to them, well, screw them," he said. I'm a capitalist and want to make the most of my property, and I've got a right to do that." It's hard not to cheer for this guy and you've got to love how he just comes right out and tells everybody what he's doing. He didn't run to some lawyer or whine to the papers. Like a man, he dealt with his problem. One of his neighbors, Myron Jostock, (a possible metrosexual) said this to the Rochester Post-Bulletin reporter who asked him about it: "I thought he was just starting up some junk to shake up the neighborhood. Oh my God." The Great American, Myhrom then went on to say that he would not rule out housing sex offenders in the apartments, although he would screen out Rodriguez types. With a young son at home is he scared that his family might be in danger from living next door to hardened criminals? "My house has several loaded guns in it, so burglar or criminal beware," he said. So I raise an Anchor Steam Christmas Ale in salute to Paul Myhrom of Rochester, Minnesota. May the fleas of a thousand camels infest the armpits his NIMBY neighbors!
Silly PETA. Mutilated Rabbits Are For Adults!
People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals has reached a new low with their "Your Mommy Kills Animals" comic book that they are currently distributing to innocent children whose parents decide to wear fur. As sick as that is, I couldn't help but chuckle when I saw the artwork on the books cover because it reminded me a lot of a Frank Kozik poster advertising an Easter show at First Avenue I attended years back featuring Killdozer. For the unfamiliar, Frank Kozik is a legendary concert poster artist based in San Francisco. He has made hundreds of bizarre and often disturbing posters for bands like Sonic Youth, The Cows, Babes in Toyland and The Melvins. Often featured in his posters are images of mutilated rabbits, deranged pigs, and psychotic children. There is one difference, however, between Kozik's work and the comic book put out by PETA. Kozik's posters are meant to be viewed by adults while PETA is pushing their disturbing images in front of children. This is reprehensible.
Correct Answer: I Love You Just the Way You Are
Honesty is such a lonely word. Everyone is so untrue. Except in Bayport. And boy are they paying the price for it. As reported in the Stillwater Gazette: Angel Starr Kaster, 27, will face charges for second-degree assault, terroristic threats, and giving false information to a police officer, Bayport Police Chief John Gannaway said Tuesday, December 16. The reason for all of the mayhem in this leafy, charming little town, hard by the St. Croix river: Kaster attacked [her boyfriend Greg] Knoll with four kitchen knives after he commented on her weight. When Kaster mentioned that she wanted to lose 10 pounds, Knoll suggested she lose 20 pounds. ?That?s what did it,? he told police. Maybe it was more than just Knoll?s honesty that caused his stabbing. As there does appear to have been some extenuating circumstances: [Kaster] was transported to the Hastings Detoxification Center after a preliminary breath test registered her blood alcohol level at .271, Chief Gannaway said. Or maybe she was just having a bad day in general, as evidenced by her comments when placing a post-stabbing call for help: Kaster will be charged also Wednesday with making terroristic threats, authorities said, for allegedly telling the 9-1-1 dispatcher on the phone ?I?ll kill you.? Or maybe this dispatcher was making cracks about her weight as well, it?s hard to say. To be safe, I offer this unsolicited advice to Mr. Knoll. Next time your girlfriend asks ?do I look fat in these jeans,? DO NOT answer by saying: ?I hear Evel Knievel is considering using your ass for his next jump.?
If You Be My Inver Grove Chicken
From today's Strib: An Inver Grove Heights man was shot to death when he apparently interrupted a burglary as he arrived home, police said Friday. The man, Dao Xiong was a truck driver and had three kids. Sad, yes, but why wasn't he packing a piece? But I digress, the most interesting paragraph came a little later in describing the family: In February they bought their dream home on 2.3 acres in hilly Inver Grove Heights. It had room for their three children: a 9-year-old son and two daughters, ages 2 and 8; her husband's truck, and some chickens. I love how the staff writer throws that in...and some chickens, as if it was as normal as having a garden or something. Now I don't think I have ever been to Inver Grove Heights and frankly don't know exactly where it is, but as a homeowner I wouldn't be all too happy with some new neighbors who moved into their dream house on 2.3 acres, with enough room for their kids, their truck...and some chickens. And that would make me a moral pariah.
Friday, December 19, 2003
Bloodied But Unbowed
He's only human folks. And when he's cut, he bleeds. 
This actually explains quite a bit. Yesterday I received a number of e-mails on the appearance of Hugh's teeth in his dazed and confused picture. A few readers suggested a fund raising drive to cover the costs of whitening. The most interesting theory I heard was that Hugh was actually a distant relative of Britain's Royal Family. The truth of course was much simpler. He had a mouthful of blood. In fact he had to be given the once over by an oral surgeon to make sure there was no permanent damage (he's the fellow on the right). 
Unfortunately, there is no video of the Saddam-like inspection of Hugh's oral cavity. Treated like a beast he was. But he was a trooper and despite all he went through, Hugh remained chipper and kept a smile on his face. Either that or he was still in a state of delirious shock. 
He still had to tie up some legal matters as he was forced to sign a statement agreeing to cover the costs of the damage to the sled. He also picked up a couple, thirteen, fourteen candy bars for the ride back to Denver. 
But we have learned that Hugh's legal troubles are far from over. We obtained a copy of a writ, to be filed shortly with the state attorney general that seeks to revoke Hugh's titles in Minnesota because of his careless behavior in Colorado: Whereas, on or about the thirteenth day of December in the year of the Lord 2003, one Hugh Hewitt, claiming entitlement under the authority of the State of Minnesota to the titles of Master of the Horse, Sheriff of Latin and Commissioner of Hockey, did travel to the far-off State of Colorado and while there did willfully, intentionally and with reckless abandon, operate a snow mobile in such a way as to do serious and intentional injury to a living member of mother earth?s, inhabitants, namely, a member of the conifer family of trees, and Whereas, it is unlikely, improbable, nay, impossible for any true Minnesotan to lack the skills necessary to operate a snow mobile without injuring one of mother earth?s, inhabitants, namely, a member of the conifer family of trees, And Whereas, in as much as he, although disputed in some quarters, was invested with the several listed honors of the State of Minnesota at the time of the injury to one of mother earth?s inhabitants, namely, a member of the conifer family of trees, the actions and misdeeds of one Hugh Hewitt in the far-off State of Colorado, as herein above described, have brought great shame and scandal to the State of Minnesota, Now therefore, one Hugh Hewitt has forfeited any and all rights, privileges or accommodations that the aforementioned titles, although still being disputed in some quarters, may have entitled him to. Developing...
Off To A Great Start
Many thanks to all of those who have already contributed to the Northern Alliance Fundraiser for the Misericordia Orphanage. If you would like to make a contribution but don't feel comfortable using Pay Pal, please send me an e-mail (rightwinger23@hotmail.com) and I'll let you know where to send a check. We would also like to thank our Northern Alliance brethren for assisting us in promoting this cause, in particular King from the SCSUScholars, Mitch Berg at Shot In The Dark, the dynamic duo at Spitbull, and yes even the jack booted bard over at Captain's Quarters. And of course your radio hero and mine Hugh Hewitt (although not Saint Paul's-he still has a strange Dave Thompson fixation), the Commish and inspirational leader of the Northern Alliance of Blogs.
The fallout from the Nick Coleman column on Wednesday continues to pile up in the Twin Cities. Amid the laughing and the crying, a consensus is rapidly building that this may be the single worst newspaper column ever written in the long, tortured editorial history of the Twin Cities. Although a faction of Jim Klobuchar aficionados are maintaining an objection to this recognition until they can run down a mythical column he wrote back in 1988 about the undeniable appeal of the machismo of Michael Dukakis, I'm prepared to move forward.
To reiterate, the key paragraphs from his piece (entitled "In the Shadow of Ice, A Warm Welcome") which earn him this distinction are: Too bad the homeless won't appreciate the splendors of the ice palace. That's because the latest in a long line of palaces stretching back to the Winter Carnival's founding in 1886 will include a feature never seen before: A 10-foot-high perimeter wall to protect it from the prying eyes of the poor. And One regular was a wounded Vietnam War veteran named Robin, an alcoholic who camped in the brush and woods around the edge of downtown St. Paul. Last spring, police found Robin near the Cathedral of St. Paul, on the steps that overlook a panorama of downtown, dead from an apparent stroke. It would've been a perfect spot from which to see an ice castle. The popular reaction to this column is best summarized by reader James Phillips: Good lord, do people actually buy into this Nick Coleman crap? I've never wanted to punch someone so much as I did Mr. Coleman while reading your post of his article. I guess he did not make me laugh or cry. What a raging A-Hole. (Editor's note - James Phillips is the executive director of the Folsom, CA advocacy group Pacifist Grandmothers for Peace.) To be truthful, I never thought Nick Coleman would write the worst column in Twin Cities history (my money was on Soucheray). Despite his aging, bitter flowerchild perspective and his elitist, condescending tone, Coleman is a pretty good wordsmith. I liked several of his pieces from the Pioneer Press. There was one on Wellstone and Norm Coleman from last year and he did a number of fine historical accounts on the 1st Minnesota regiment's experience at the Battle of Gettysburg. But his output since moving over to the Star Tribune has been surprisingly rank. Maybe he's trying to out-Grow his office mate Doug Grow. (And if Grow responds in kind, this is an escalation that could threaten the very survival of the Star Tribune). Perhaps he's gotten a case of extreme performance anxiety based on a huge raise and maybe a six figure income at the Star Tribune. And if he does make that much, he should really think about loading up his SUV with all the homeless people he can find and treat them to a day at the Ice Palace. Whatever the reason, he has produced the worst column in Twin Cities history. But this could be a short-lived distinction. There's a momentous election season coming and I'm sure Grow, Soucheray, Brian Lambert and the rest will be trotting out their purplest, most painful prose throughout 2004. But perhaps the biggest challenge comes from within Coleman's own home. Because I think Laura Billings is due back from maternity leave any day now, as her billboard just went up on I-94 and White Bear Ave. (Yes, it does have a picture of a dog on it - as do their other columnists' billboards, but they stuck with the tagline "20/20 Insight".) Final note - to the legion of distracted, selective readers out there: my commentary yesterday, entitled "The New Grinch In Town" has nothing to do with Newt Gingrich coming to town. I don't think he's coming here and even if he were, I wouldn't know how to contact him. So, you'll have to find another way to get your Contracts with America autographed in time for Christmas. Labels: Media-Local (02-04)
Howard Dean: The Strib's Beeotch
That the capture of Saddam has made America safer is self-evident to most people. Excepting of course, Howard Dean and now the Star Tribune editorialistas: We don't have a dog in the Democratic presidential fight, but we do know that front-runner Howard Dean, like him or not, is getting beaten up unfairly for telling an unpleasant truth: The capture of Saddam Hussein hasn't made America safer. They don't have a dog in the fight? Hmmm...The way they're sniffing around Dean's hindquarters certainly fooled me. Check out much more on this at Captain's Quarters.
Deep End Of The Pool
There is still time to submit your entry for the Saddam Death Pool. Drop me an e-mail (rightwinger23@hotmail.com) with the date, year, and time of day (in Iraq) when Saddam will face the music ('Highway to Hell' would seem appropriate). Remember, you can't win if you don't play.
Thursday, December 18, 2003
No Laughing Matter
A few weeks ago King, from the SCSU Scholars, asked about the possibility of members of the vaunted Northern Alliance supporting a charity for the holiday season, in the manner that James Lileks does with his cash for cows campaign. The company that I work for has a manufacturing plant in Chihuahua, Mexico. The facility is actually quite nice. In fact it's a newer and better facility than the building I work in right now in the Twin Cities. I travel down there two to three times a year, and have written about my trips to Chihuahua a couple of times in the past. The depths of the poverty that you witness in parts of the city is striking. People who are considered "poor" in the U.S. live like kings compared to the poor in Chihuahua. It is especially hard on the children. Last year a coworker and I organized a drive at work to collect toys and winter clothes (Chihuahua is in the Sierra Madres) for an orphanage just outside the city. We were able to collect four very large boxes of goods which were eventually shipped to the orphanage. But it was a logistical nightmare. This year we contacted the orphanage and asked what their most pressing needs were. Basic medical supplies were among the items high on the list. In order to make the process easier, more efficient, and most importantly get the supplies to the orphanage in the shortest amount of time, we decided to raise money here at our two plants in the Twin Cities. In mid-February my coworker and I will travel to Chihuahua, meet with someone from the orphanage, and then go with them to buy the vital supplies that they need (mostly common over the counter type medications, band aids, etc.). This way the money that is raised goes right to the source of the need. No overhead. No expenses. I told King about our plans and he thought it would be a good fit for what he had in mind. If you wish to contribute simply click on the Pay Pal button below and make a donation. If you have any questions about this little project please feel free to contact me. After our trip in February, I will post a summary of it, including a few pictures. Here's a shot of some of the kids wearing clothes that were donated last year. Yes, we are creating a legion of young Vikings fans in Mexico. Thanks in advance for your support.
Dazed And Confused
According to the University of Nebraska at Lincoln there are common signs and symptoms of a concussion. When you see some of the items on the list you can appreciate the difficulty in diagnosing whether Hugh had been concussed after his close encounter with a pine tree or whether it was simply a case of Hugh being Hugh: Vacant stare Dazed appearance Lack of awareness of surroundings Delayed verbal responses to questions or instructions Unsteady gait Altered levels of consciousness Incoordination/Delayed motor responses Memory problems Inattention/Easily distractible Muddled thinking Disorientation Decreased information processing speed Only after hearing Hugh laugh maniacally and start to celebrate because "the Browns won the Super Bowl" did those around him realize that he would require medical attention. 
On another accident related front, we have learned that the tree that Hugh hit, heretofore known as "the victim", has retained legal representation and may seek redress in both criminal and civil proceedings against him. Developing... UPDATE: Gene e-mails to express his concern about the possible long term post-traumatic accident effects on Hugh: I'm not sure if you've considered the potential hazard of Hugh's recent cruise ship debut with Carlson Travel. If his disequilibrium is that significant, just imagine the Mediterranean horror of a conga line on the deck being flung in the sea? UPDATE II: Another Christmas movie connection for Hugh? Maybe it's just me, but the more I examine this picture, the more Hugh looks a bit like the Abominable from Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer.
Nick Coleman's knack (according to his employer) is making us laugh or making us cry. Not sure which category his most recent column fits into, but he?s decided excoriate my beloved city of St. Paul for charging a $5 fee in order to tour the Winter Carnival Ice Palace. In short, his problem is that homeless people won't be able to see it. Get your hankies and gut busting laugh muscles ready, because here's Nick's knack in action:
The $8 million ice palace that will wow free-spending visitors to the 2004 NHL All-Star Game during the St. Paul Winter Carnival is going up near the Xcel Energy Center. ... Too bad the homeless won't appreciate the splendors of the ice palace. That's because the latest in a long line of palaces stretching back to the Winter Carnival's founding in 1886 will include a feature never seen before: A 10-foot-high perimeter wall to protect it from the prying eyes of the poor. We can debate whether or not most poor have an extra five dollars to spend on this activity (or whether or not the "homeless" even want to see the Ice Palace, in place of taking time to abuse their substance of choice.) But what Nick fails to mention is that another set of prying eyes will be denied as well--the cheap. And as a member of that caucus, I'm going on record as saying Nick need not advocate on my behalf. First, I don't care that I won't be able to see it. Second, I'm afraid he'll write something as embarrassingly melodramatic and exploitative as this on my behalf: One regular was a wounded Vietnam War veteran named Robin, an alcoholic who camped in the brush and woods around the edge of downtown St. Paul. Last spring, police found Robin near the Cathedral of St. Paul, on the steps that overlook a panorama of downtown, dead from an apparent stroke. It would've been a perfect spot from which to see an ice castle. Do you think Coleman's new editors at the Star Tribune still wince when they read his stuff, or has their tolerance already ramped up? The fact that the Ice Palace is meant to promote the city in order to bring in more tourists and to show off in front of a national audience here to cover the 2004 NHL All Star game (all in hopes of bringing more money to the city) is not important to Nick. Neither is the fact that the last Ice Palace in 1992 was a financial boondoggle. Nor is the fact that financing of the Palace this year is being done in the most equitable manner possible - on a user fee basis. Apparently he'd like the government to pay for the entire thing instead, so everyone in the state can pay to allow homeless people to hobnob with the NHL fans and guests. In Coleman's carefully chosen quote from a homeless fellow, I think he reveals his true feelings on the matter: "They got money for ice, but they don't got money for poor people." A statement like this makes me think Coleman would like us to promote the city during the NHL All Star game weekend by giving tours of a homeless shelter instead. Scoff if you will, but Coleman's account of the goings-on at Listening House details many of the prospective features of such an idea: Live music: a 39-year-old with congestive heart failure named Mark, who was sitting in a chair, singing the Rolling Stones' "Wild Horses" to himself. Staged dramatic readings of the Minnesota DFL platform: "I could get five bucks, but not for no ice," [Mark] said. "That's what Minnesota is all about. It's a business town now. It's all about revenues." Synchronized sitting exhibitions: The idea of what is "public" is just one of many things that have been degraded since 1983, the year Listening House opened its doors, setting up two folding chairs so the homeless could take a load off. A living exhibit of what the homeless apparently do while you're out working: Some played chess, some worked crossword puzzles, some made phone calls (there's a five-minute limit for calls), some just relaxed. There was a pleasant hum to the place, like the lobby at the X during a hockey game. It's probably too late to get this tour organized for the NHL All Star game, but this town always seems to be trying to land another Super Bowl. This could be the idea that puts them over the top. And Nick Coleman could write the brochure, which would end with his words: Happily, Listening House, unlike the ice, will still be here next spring. Labels: Media-Local (02-04)
We're Not Gonna Come All Ye Faithful Anymore
Steve Gigl thinks that Saddam will take the gas pipe on his wife's birthday (Steve's not Saddam's-01/14/05) and checks in with an audio separated at birth: The melody of the chorus from "We're Not Gonna Take It" (I think that's the title) by Twisted Sister is taken directly--and purposely, if you can believe what you see on VH1--from "O Come All Ye Faithful."
Wednesday, December 17, 2003
He Was The Wind Beneath Hugh's Wings
Meet Greg, the guide whom Hugh Hewitt has credited with saving his life by advising him before his infamous snowmobile ride to "never use your legs as a kickstand". 
Greg is a self-described agnostic (according to Hugh) but being near Hugh on a snowmobile is not much different from being in combat, and we've all heard the old adage "there aren't any atheists(agnostics) in a foxhole". So when Greg saw where Hugh's sled ended up (a maneuver said to defy at least three of the laws of physics) he could not help but invoke the deity as he asked incredulously: "Oh my God, how did he do that!?!" That Greg is a question best left unanswered. Coming Up Next: After action photos of Hugh. He's alive!
Some days you just know that things are going to break your way. You don't know why or how, you just feel it. When I walked out of the house today I felt it. It felt good. And it is good. Almost too good to be true.
I'm a simple man. I don't ask for much in life. Good health for me and my family. A decent job. The love of a good woman. A bar stocked with quality wine, beer, and single malt Scotch. A chance to play hockey once or twice a week. The complete Simpson's Third Season on DVD.... Okay, okay I do ask for a lot (a look at my Amazon Wish List would quickly confirm that) but still there are always those things that no matter how desperately you want you know that you will never get. Well today I got one of them. Yes, believe it or not, I received the much anticipated Hugh's Big Snowmobile Adventure pictures today. The source for these magnificent images shall remain anonymous. Let's just say that the folks at the 30 Minute Foto on Santa Monica Blvd. know how to play ball. When I examined the pictures I laughed until the tears were flowing. Then I composed myself enough to consider my options. Then I laughed again. My first instinct was to rush to post the entire collection in all its glory as soon as possible. But, upon further review, I have decided that to really appreciate and enjoy each picture they must be considered individually. And so over the course of the next few days I will post them one at a time. I like to call this first one 'Hugh Prepares'. You can see the steely determination on Hugh's face as he laces up his boot to get ready for what will turn out to be a very rocky ride. There is a hint of fear evident as well, as if Hugh has an inkling that he's getting himself into a situation that could prove quite dangerous. He's also probably the only man I've ever known who wears Dockers when snowmobiling. Very shortly, wrinkles would be the least of his worries.  UPDATE: I see that Hugh is posting some of the photos in an effort to "get ahead of the story". This might force my hand a bit, but rest assured, if you want the real story this is the place to turn. Labels: Ralphie
Kill Me, Kill Me Any Anytime
Time is running out to enter the Saddam Death Pool. The entries are flowing in, but please, people I can't stress this enough, please remember to include a time of day (Iraqi time) as well a date and year. We already have a number of dates that have been picked more than once and if you don't include the time you won't be able to claim the fabulous prizes. To enter simply drop me an e-mail at rightwinger23@hotmail.com with ALL the relevant information. It really couldn't be any easier. The deadline is Friday at midnight. The best of the most recently received entries is from Carl who's going with April 22, 2005. Earth Day. There is little doubt that the planet will be a cleaner place after Saddam is gone. Although Howard Dean might argue that it will not be any safer. We have also received our first NEVER entry. From Atomizer's father no less. My first reaction was to chuckle, thinking that he's going to have a very hard time EVER claiming the prizes if his guess is correct. Then I remembered that he's a lawyer so we have to tread very carefully here. Let's hope that Saddam does indeed face the justice that he so richly deserves so we don't need to address this issue again. Now for an update on the prize front. In order to up the ante Hugh has decided to add another prize. In addition to: the snowmobile ride with Hugh, the DVDs from Ed at Captain's Quarters, the collection of officially licensed Northern Alliance memorabilia, the pile of leftover 'Deserve Victory' bumper stickers, and the limited edition autographed Lileks Hummel, the winner will now also receive Duane's softball team. While some might consider this to be a white elephant gift, ownership of the team can provide you with hours of entertainment as you rip the players, threaten to fold the team at any moment, and juggle the roster at your whim. It's your chance to play George Steinbrenner. Become the megalomaniac that you've always dreamed of. Finally if you're creatively inclined, head over to Brainstorming, and see if you can help DC with a new tagline for his site.
Giddyup!
While we're on the subject of audio separated at birth, I'd like to bring up the similarity between the holiday favorite "Sleigh Ride" and the Fox NFL Theme Song. Listen to it on Sunday and try not to sing "Giddyup, giddyup, giddyup, let's go."
Melody Separated At Birth?
Sing these two lines in your head: 1. "We three kings of orient are" and 2. "Are you going to Scarborough fair?" I was on the bus yesterday when I heard number one and immediately thought "God I hate that overblown Simon and Garfinkle crap" then realized it was Christmas music I was listening to. It's one of those subconscious rip-offs like Elaine's Ziggy cartoon from Seinfeld. "To the archives!"
Tuesday, December 16, 2003
"Now Is Not The Time To Pin Blame"- Kofi Annan
I beg to differ, Mr. Annan. Now is precisely the time to pin blame. You and the U.N. have cut and run, as per usual, and Iraq's foreign minister has had enough: Iraq's foreign minister, Hoshyar Zebari, accused the United Nations Security Council today of having failed to help rescue his country from Saddam Hussein, and he chided member states for bickering over his beleaguered country's future. "Settling scores with the United States-led coalition should not be at the cost of helping to bring stability to the Iraqi people," Mr. Zebari said in language unusually scolding for an occupant of the guest seat at the end of the curving Security Council table. Taking a harsh view of the inability of quarreling members of the Security Council to endorse military action in Iraq, Mr. Zebari said, "One year ago, the Security Council was divided between those who wanted to appease Saddam Hussein and those who wanted to hold him accountable. "The United Nations as an organization failed to help rescue the Iraqi people from a murderous tyranny that lasted over 35 years, and today we are unearthing thousands of victims in horrifying testament to that failure." He declared, "The U.N. must not fail the Iraqi people again." The U.N. gave Saddam eleven years of inspections. They gave him eighteen resolutions calling for disarmament. He ignored every single warning and the U.N. couldn't have cared less. It then took the U.S. military nine months to bring this piece of human garbage to justice. And now Kofi Annan says "Now is not the time to pin blame." Up yours, Mr. Annan. Up yours!
All We're Asking For Is What We Usually Expect To Get
Yesterday the Star Tribune had an article on the budget difficulties facing Hennepin county, Minnesota's largest county, where I happen to live: Two hours before a key budget meeting in Hennepin County, Board Chairman Mike Opat was predicting that he had the votes to pump $5 million more into the county's Human Services Department. He was wrong. On Tuesday, the county is expected to adopt a $1.64 billion budget that for the first time in recent memory calls for employee layoffs and significant spending cuts. Recent memory? I guess it depends on what you mean by "recent": Despite the anticipated cuts, the county will still spend $457 million more in 2004 than it did in 1995. And there will be 500 more workers on the county payroll than in 1995. Since 1980, the county's inflation-adjusted budget has nearly doubled. Well, you say, sure the budget has increased but so has the size of the county right? In 1980 there were 941,000 people residing in Hennepin County. In 2003 there were 1,112,000 an increase of 171,000 or 18.17%. The number of county workers in 1980 was 7,181. In 2003 there were 11,515, an increase of 4,334 or 60.35%. So while the population grew by 18%, the number of county workers grew by 60%, and the inflation adjusted budget grew by nearly 100%. Can you say expansion of government? But now times are tough. Difficult choices have to be made. It won't be easy but we're going to cut back. Right? In September, the initial 2004 spending plan called for as many as 350 layoffs in addition to the nearly 400 employees who had left last summer as part of an early retirement program. Sounds about right... That was later revised to 107 layoffs and another 33 jobs lost because of the elimination of grants. Hmmm...Not a big impact but I suppose it's a start... By Dec. 1, officials were predicting 44 layoffs and 25 others let go because of discontinued grants. Forty four? That's all... Rafe Viscasillas, the county's human resources director, said the layoff number may decrease even further by January and will probably be "somewhere in the 30s." The total decrease in workers since last January, he said, will probably represent a 7 percent reduction in the county workforce. But what about the children? How will we survive without these thirty some vital county employees? Year after year of growth is briefly interrupted by one year of minimal cuts. Next year? The county will probably hire back these thirty and add thirty more. It shows how tough it is to scale back government once it gets established. By the way the title of this post came from a quote in the story that perfectly sums up the entitlement philosophy: "All we're asking for," said Bob Polland, who directs a youth camping program, "is what we usually expect to get."
Not What You Include, But What You Exclude
King from the SCSU Scholars, fires the opening salvo in what is sure to be a heated debate on the newly revised Minnesota social studies standards. He's also in the Saddam dead pool.
Closing Time
At the risk of being ex-communicated from the Church for our views on the execution of Saddam Hussein, we are continuing to accept entries in the Hugh Hewitt inspired pool to pick the day, time, and year for Saddam to be shuffling off this mortal coil. The most optimistic entries see Saddam being whacked within a year, while Mitch Berg doesn't think it will occur until January 2007, "if at all". A couple of other bloggers have also submitted their best estimates including Ed from Captain's Quarters, Miller's Time, and one of our progeny, Luke Duke from Puzzlestud (it figures that we would inspire a guy named Luke Duke and not a gal named Daisy-sigh). Entries will be collected until the end of the week. Really lame prizes will be awarded to the person/persons coming the closest to nailing down Saddam's departure time. All decisions by the judges are final. My favorite entry so far was submitted by Spacekicker who suggested midnight on 9/11/04. UPDATE: Another good entry is from JD, who suggests that Saddam assume room temperature on Thanksgiving Day 2004 and that the execution should be televised at halftime of the day's first NFL game. He also commented that, "You do not deserve the abuse that Hugh heaps upon your venerable head." A wise man indeed. UPDATE II: Joe from Mr. Cranky thinks that January 20th, 2005 is the date. I have to admit that he's got a point when he says it would be a perfect addition to the inagural ball.
Just A Thought
At Hugh Hewitt's web site there is a Pay Pal button and a plea to: Contribute to keep HughHewitt.com alive and talking! I guess that whole nationally syndicated radio talk show hosting gig doesn't pay as well as I imagined it would. Based on Hugh's recent tree hugging experience in Colorado, on top of a lifetime of bumbling and stumbling around like Gerald Ford with a bad case of vertigo, it might be prudent to use these funds for safety equipment for his personal protection. A helmet, full body armor, safety glasses, and a GPS tracking device would be a good start. And that's just for around the studio. He ain't getting any younger and he obviously ain't getting any more coordinated folks. Contribute now to keep Hugh Hewitt alive and talking. UPDATE: One of the Monkeys, not the Chosen One, not the Frozen One...oh yeah that Korean guy... the Chosin One, has found the perfect outfit to keep Hugh safe. It even works against trees.
When Not In Rome...
After hearing the remarks of Cardinal Renato Martino on the treatment of Saddam, "treated like a beast, having his teeth checked", I had similar thoughts to those that Atomizer expressed below. The first thing that flashed through my head was, "God it sucks to be a Catholic sometimes", a feeling I experience every time a Vatican spokesman makes a silly statement such as this, or every new revelation of sexual abuse by a priest.
Misplaced Compassion
Comments like these from the Vatican make me embarrassed to admit I'm a Catholic: A top Vatican cardinal said Tuesday he felt compassion for Saddam Hussein after seeing video pictures in which, the prelate claimed, American forces treated the captured Iraqi leader "like a beast." (Cardinal Renato) Martino said he felt "compassion" for Saddam, even if he was a dictator, after seeing images of "this destroyed man" being "treated like a beast, having his teeth checked" by an American military medic. Let's get this straight, Cardinal. Saddam Hussein deserves to be treated like a beast. He has committed acts of atrocity that would shame the likes of Hitler and Stalin and is no more deserving of compassion than the nits the Army doctor pulled out of his hair. That said, how in the hell is examining a man's teeth treating him like a beast? Granted, I don't enjoy my twice-yearly visits to the dentist any more than you do, but I never feel as if I'm being treated like an animal when I'm sitting in the examination chair. With all due respect, Cardinal, get a freaking grip! Feeding men into shredders feet first is treating people like beasts. Raping and beating scores of women on a regular basis is treating people like beasts. Filling mass graves with the bodies of those who dare to voice opposition to you is treating people like beasts. Giving Saddam a dental exam is merely good oral hygiene, and it's more than the filthy bastard deserves.
Public Service Announcement For Joel Stegner of Edina
It snowed last night, Joel, and it is expected to snow some more this afternoon. Do us all a favor and allow some extra time to get where you are going today. We don't want your commute to be too stressful for you...because we care.
Converted Commies And Cartoon Cats
In response to JB's query about a proper Christmas gift for your newspaper carrier, I must explain that the situation this year is a bit murky. Last year, despite my reservations, I believe I slipped Aleksey a ten spot for his services. This year however, I have not only received a card from him, but also from a cat named Sylvester Jones (no doubt the illegitmate offspring of one Chuck Jones). This stems from the fact the Star Tribune separates its newspaper delivery into weekday and weekend segments. I actually have no idea which carrier delivers which to my abode. So I'm in a bit of a quandry. If the weekday carrier rates a $10 gift does the weekend carrier get $4? Or do you have to weigh the size of the Sunday paper into your equation? It might be easier to just make a donation in both their names to the Human Fund and wish them a Happy Festivus.
Monday, December 15, 2003
Across The Great Divide
This weekend we had the pleasure of welcoming two visitors to town. Robb (now going by the moniker Frozen Monkey) from Infinite Monkeys, who already has a post up detailing his experiences, and long time reader and frequent contributor, James Phillips. Robb flew in (By the way I hate to disappoint the Frozen Monkey but we don't have twelve runways at the Minneapolis airport. Runway 12 designates the direction that it faces, in this case 120 degrees. One end is of the runway is 12 the other 30.) from Phoenix on Saturday to attend the Flops/Semisonic/Trip Shakespeare concert at First Avenue, while James arrived from Folsom, California on Thursday to attend a Minnesota Wild, and two St. Cloud State Huskie hockey games. I'll let you decide which is a more nutty reason to come to Minnesota in mid-December. We met Robb at an Irish pub across the street from First Avenue to have a few pre-concert cocktails and engage in witty banter. I learned much about the Infinite Monkeys gang during our conversation, including many deeply held secrets such as the name of the magazine where the Chosen Monkey labors and more importantly, Brad's Visa card number (you've got a load of 'Deserve Victory' bumper stickers on the way my friend as well as a hefty bar tab). While we weren't able to resolve all the problems of the world we did agree that those who see Christian symbolism in LOTR are engaged in wishful thinking and that Hugh's resemblance to Ralphie is indeed uncanny. I wasn't as excited as Robb or Atomizer were about the show itself. First Avenue was packed to the rafters with people, which made movement troublesome at best, nearly impossible at worst. The overcrowding might not have been that bad but it was a long show. Too long in my opinion. And since I'm not all that into Trip Shakespeare, I thought too much of the show was devoted to their music and not enough Semisonic material. There also didn't seem to be a great deal of energy, either from the band or the crowd. I've seen Semisonic perform five or six times in the past and this was definitely not their finest hour on stage. After the music stopped, we gave Robb a little taste of authentic Minneapolis. Yes, we took him to the Hard Rock Cafe. Can't find one of those just anywhere you know. You have to be a small to mid-sized city to even be considered. In our defense, it wasn't as if we had a lot of options. It was cold and JB had already vetoed the idea of returning to the pub since his honor had apparently been impugned by a waitress he didn't deliver his beer toute suite. I believe his exact words, bellowed on the corner outside First Avenue, were, "We ain't goin' back in that f'in place!". So we treated Robb to the overpriced conformity of the Hard Rock Cafe. I treated myself to another beer which I didn't need and we had an interesting discussion (read shouting match) on the merits of the show. Atomizer was kind enough to give Robb a ride back to his hotel at the end of the night. Sunday I was awakened by my wife excitedly announcing that Saddam had been captured. Which made the pounding in my head and cottony mouth a little easier to take. I knew at least one bastage who felt a lot worse than I did. Other than JB I mean. We met Mr. Phillips at a sports bar to watch the Vikings-Bears contest. James was a bit surprised by our cynical attitude towards the local eleven, but after watching them choke away the game and very likely the NFC It was a pleasure to welcome two intelligent, engaging gentleman to our chilly but lively town. However, next time they might want to think about a June visit. It's nice when you don't have to think about wind chill.
Even Eloise Might Like This One...
The ETHICAL PHILOSOPHY SELECTOR My results: 1. Aquinas (100%) 2. Spinoza (73%) 3. Epicureans (70%) 4. John Stuart Mill (69%) 5. Ockham (68%) Courtesy of The Evangelical Outpost.
Union Gaps And Smelly Russians
It's that time of the year again when your local newspaper person sends out a cheerful "Holiday" card guilting you into giving them a usually undeserved monetary gift. I was at the Elder's whoos this weekend and saw a card from his East European carrier. The guy didn't even buy the card, it was supplied by the Star Tribune. And he barely signed the thing himself (I imagine he somehow made time between long drags on his Marlboro). Well tonight I got home from work and saw tucked inside my WSJ a card from my carrier. "So I have to give this worthless bastard money now too?" I cynically cried aloud to myself, just having paid a mountain of bills related to my moving to a new city. But I was surprised by the honesty in the card: (my comments in parenthesis) My name is Gary Puckett (apparently the oldies circuit aint what it used to be). I started with Wallstreet around June 2003. I had a rocky start, but I believe I am getting everything down now (is there anything special about delivering "Wallstreet" versus any other paper?). I hope my service is pleasing you. If there is anything I can do different, please let me know. Cynical manipulation to explain away why I had to wade into a foot of snow in the bushes to get the paper last Thursday? Or, more likely, just a guy who is trying to make a living and is admitting he wasn't perfect? Either way, I'll send him a few bucks this year. Elder, can you say the same?
Yeah...That's A Great Idea...Glad I Thought Of It
Soooo...I guess we have "volunteered" to run a national pool on the execution date for Saddam. Thanks Hugh. Send your entries in now and, if by some miracle we're still running this blog in 2005 or 2006, we'll announce a winner. The "victor" will receive a snowmobile tour on the back of Hugh's sled. The ride is scheduled to last three hours or until Hugh hits a tree. UPDATE: Ed from Captain's Quarters enters the Saddam pool and offers up DVDs of 'Red Dawn', 'Judgment at Nuremberg', and 'Hang 'Em High' as supplemental prizes for the winner. And yes, if you win you must accept the grand prize.
All I Want For Christmas Is A Filthy, Raggedy Ex-dictator
Thanks to Todd A. for the nice Photoshop work and George for the description of Saddam. Get the hottest toy of the 2003 Christmas season: The Raggedy Saddam Doll Comes complete with pistol, fake US currency, and Glamour Shots photo of Jacques Chirac. Bendable knees and head that bows allows you to place in supplicant position for use in conjecture with the George W. Bush action figure. Push the button and laugh as you hear him say: "I am willing to negotiate." Iraqi taxi cab and spider hole dwelling sold as accessories. Coming soon: the Raggedy Saddam Gallows Playset with real rope noose and authentic trap door action.
The Real Cowboy
You know I gotta think that, if, God forbid, the roles were reversed, GW would not be taken alive.
A Seat At The Captain's Table?
Finally, a chance to explain my opinions on Bartolo Colon in detail. That Northern Alliance discount card will certainly come in handy too.
Listening to various news sources in the immediate aftermath of the capture of Saddam, I was struck by the extent that "Politically Correct" language has infected the media. Even as unlikely a PCer as Newt Gingrich felt the need to temper his usually descriptive tongue.
The first thing that went through my mind when I saw the footage of Saddam was that he looked like a bum. A homeless person. A tramp. A transient. A drifter. A hobo. A vagabond. A derelict. A vagrant. A bindle stiff. There are any number of wonderful, image invoking words that would work for the situation. But what bland, inoffensive term was employed by the media (including Newt) over and over again yesterday to describe Saddam? A street person. They said he looked like a street person. While members of the media proudly pat themselves on the back for their sensitivity, I wonder if they realize that their submission to the dictates of being politically correct make the news they churn out an increasingly dry, banal product. By the way, the most appropriate and certainly politically incorrect term to describe the appearance of Saddam? If you look up bum in Webster's Thesaurus you'll find this classic: street arab Labels: Media-National (02-06)
Sunday, December 14, 2003
Separated At Birth?
With a nod to The Frozen Monkey, the newly captured Saddam looks a bit like Michael Palin's "It's..." guy from Monty Python. You be the judge: 
The Justice Denied To Millions
Our President's words are all that needs to be said: Yesterday, December the 13th, at around 8:30 p.m. Baghdad time, United States military forces captured Saddam Hussein alive. He was found near a farmhouse outside the city of Tikrit, in a swift raid conducted without casualties. And now the former dictator of Iraq will face the justice he denied to millions. The capture of this man was crucial to the rise of a free Iraq. It marks the end of the road for him, and for all who bullied and killed in his name. For the Baathist holdouts largely responsible for the current violence, there will be no return to the corrupt power and privilege they once held. For the vast majority of Iraqi citizens who wish to live as free men and women, this event brings further assurance that the torture chambers and the secret police are gone forever. And this afternoon, I have a message for the Iraqi people: You will not have to fear the rule of Saddam Hussein ever again. All Iraqis who take the side of freedom have taken the winning side. The goals of our coalition are the same as your goals -- sovereignty for your country, dignity for your great culture, and for every Iraqi citizen, the opportunity for a better life. In the history of Iraq, a dark and painful era is over. A hopeful day has arrived. All Iraqis can now come together and reject violence and build a new Iraq. The success of yesterday's mission is a tribute to our men and women now serving in Iraq. The operation was based on the superb work of intelligence analysts who found the dictator's footprints in a vast country. The operation was carried out with skill and precision by a brave fighting force. Our servicemen and women and our coalition allies have faced many dangers in the hunt for members of the fallen regime, and in their effort to bring hope and freedom to the Iraqi people. Their work continues, and so do the risks. Today, on behalf of the nation, I thank the members of our Armed Forces and I congratulate them. I also have a message for all Americans: The capture of Saddam Hussein does not mean the end of violence in Iraq. We still face terrorists who would rather go on killing the innocent than accept the rise of liberty in the heart of the Middle East. Such men are a direct threat to the American people, and they will be defeated. We've come to this moment through patience and resolve and focused action. And that is our strategy moving forward. The war on terror is a different kind of war, waged capture by capture, cell by cell, and victory by victory. Our security is assured by our perseverance and by our sure belief in the success of liberty. And the United States of America will not relent until this war is won. May God bless the people of Iraq, and may God bless America. Thank you.
Saturday, December 13, 2003
Separated at Birth?
Shaggy-haired 2001 space traveler Gary Lockwood and Synthetic-haired 2003 space cadet Dennis Kucinich?
Alfonso Rodriguez, Death, and The Out
The Dru Sjodin case, and the continuing attempt to extract critical information from the suspect, Alfonso Rodriguez has reminded me of a book I read a few years ago, called ?Homicide: A Year on the Killing Streets.? It was written by David Simon and was the book on which the excellent television series ?Homicide? was based. Simon provides a riveting account of the year he spent with the Baltimore Police homicide division. The narrative follows several cases and the various personalities involved, but most interesting are the insights provided into the criminal mind, the investigation process, and interrogation procedures. Here are some excerpts (paragraphs taken out of context from each other): Ralph Waldo Emerson rightly noted that for those responsible, the act of murder ?is no such ruinous thought as poets and romancers will have it; it does not unsettle him, or frighten him from his ordinary notice of trifles.? And while West Baltimore is a universe or two from Emerson?s nineteenth-century Massachusetts hamlet, the observation is still useful. Murder often doesn?t unsettle a man. In Baltimore, it usually doesn?t even ruin his day. As a result, the majority of those who acknowledge their complicity in a killing must be baited by detectives with something more tempting than penitence. They must be made to believe that their crime is not really murder, that their excuse is both accepted and unique, that they will, with the help of the detective, be judged less evil than they truly are. Homicide detectives in Baltimore like to imagine a small, open window at the top of a very long wall in the large interrogation room. More to the point, they like to imagine their suspects imagining a small, open window at the top of the long wall. The open window is the escape hatch, the Out. It is the perfect representation of what every suspect believes when he opens his mouth during an interrogation. Every last one envisions himself parrying questions with the right combination of an alibi and excuse; every last one sees himself coming up with the right words, then crawling out the window to go home and sleep in his own bed. More often than not, a guilty man is looking for the Out from his first moments in the interrogation room; in that sense, the window is as much the suspect?s fantasy as the detective?s mirage. Simon?s scenario is one of a suspect who has waived his Miranda rights - which, amazingly, is something most skillful detectives can accomplish with a suspect who?s a non-professional criminal. Although Rodriguez has already lawyered up and has been through the system many times, I think his metaphor of ?the Out? remains applicable. But only with a death penalty. The detectives (or now, prosecutors) can empathize with him. Tell him it wasn?t his fault the state of Minnesota let him free to rape again, and this time to kill. They can tell him they know he?s not a bad person, he just has a sickness that needs treatment. But, the public is in a frenzy, demanding his death. And the only way they can save him, to get him the nurturing and help he truly deserves (sniff), is by getting his cooperation in finding Dru. And if he doesn?t, there?s no way for them to help him avoid the icy fingers of death closing around his throat. But right now, without the death penalty there is no ?Out? to offer. His recommended sentence will be life without parole, no how much he coooperates. Which is why we may never get to introduce Rodriguez to the experience Simon describes, when the suspect finally caves: The emotive crest of a guilty man?s performance comes in those cold moments before he opens his mouth and reaches for the Out. Just before a man gives up life and liberty in an interrogation room, his body acknowledges the defeat: His eyes are glazed, his jaw is slack, his body lists against the nearest wall or table edge. Some put their heads against the tabletop to steady themselves. Some become physically sick, holding their stomachs as if the problem were digestive; a few actually vomit. At the critical moment, the detectives tell their suspects that they really are sick - sick of lying, sick of hiding. They tell them it?s time to turn over a new leaf, that they?ll only begin to feel better when they start to tell the truth. Amazingly enough, many of them actually believe it. As they reach for the ledge of that high window, they believe every last word of it. The Out leads in.
Friday, December 12, 2003
Drop Your Mocks And Grab Your Socks JB Doubtless Is Back
Okay, okay enough email demanding my immediate return to the 'sphere. Hugh alone must have sent two dozen asking what happened to the "Brilliant" JB Doubtless, as he put it. I started a new job (sorry Mitch) three weeks ago, but just today got my high speed internet access. So expect plenty of posts outta me because I don't have own a television currently (Medved's influence perhaps) and my radio has been set to MPR since I moved into this house. Sadly, the Hugh Hewitt show is not heard in Southern Minnesota. Yes, it's true people down here ARE a little more discriminating in their taste (I think Sean Hannity is on thrice daily) but there's gotta be a way. Oh, that's right I have HIGH SPEED internet access now, so hopefully Hugh has some kind of "Listen Now" option. NPR is actually somewhat more listenable than I remembered and there is nothing like waking with the spunky, vivacious and nothing if not sexy Kathy Wurzer each morning. She really is a tremendous radio broadcaster. Unlike most of the butchy feminist hard-ass dames who report and host shows on NPR, the Wurz aint afraid to suggest a wry smile or use a cute down-home style from time to time. And them pipes...them pipes! Gross Terry and Linda The Worthless Hammer--national hosts, have nothing on our Kathy.
Three Time Loser And Counting
Minnesota Attorney General Mike Hatch made an appearance on CNN a few nights ago, commenting on the status of the the Dru Sjodin case, especially in regard to her alleged assailant, Alfonso Rodriquez. Host Aaron Brown wanted to know why this three time convicted sexual offender was released by Minnesota authorities. Hatch never directly answers the question, but in his response, he reveals that the three convictions may only be a partial list of the crimes committed by this filthy bastard. Here?s an excerpt of the CNN transcript (all emphasis mine): BROWN: Do you know, I gather in this case the corrections department and the people who, I don't want to convict Mr. Rodriguez here, he's entitled to a trial and a presumption but in any case he was on the loose. Do you know what their files said on him in terms of his likelihood to re-offend? HATCH: Well, I think I can make the following comments by referring to what's already been in the media and that is, is that he had been charged with two separate rapes in 1974. I believe he was approximately the age of 20. He had been convicted, placed into a sex offender program in St. Peter. In 1978 he had been placed in a halfway house in Mankato. He then contacted Saint Peter, asked to be readmitted to the facility because there had been a number of rapes in Mankato and he thought he might be implicated. Prior to getting back into Saint Peter, he had been arrested for those rapes and charged. He had been acquitted. He had a hung trial and then an acquittal on the charge of rape in Mankato, completed his treatment at Saint Peter through 1980, was released back to -- released from the program, went back to Crookston in 1980, had abducted another woman, stabbed her, attempted, we believe, sex, was charged with kidnapping, convicted, received a maximum sentence of 20 years, plus three more years from the prior sentence. He had refused sex offender treatment in prison. He had refused alcohol, chemical dependency treatment, even though he had a history of that. And the two, alcohol and chemicals, are well known to reduce the ability of the individual to fight the impulse. Despite overwhelming circumstantial evidence in the Sjodin case, Rodriquez?s current stance is of blanket denial and stonewalling authorities on locating the poor girl?s body. I suspect at least part of his motivation in this is his feeling that he might be able to beat the rap - since he?s already done it before. I also get the sense that he believes the legal authorities (and by that I mean the corrections officials, judges, and any juries he has to face) are naive. And how could he not come to that conclusion? Despite multiple convictions and a clinical conclusion that he?s highly likely to rape again - they just let him go without any supervision. This unfortunately justified belief on his part will prolong the investigation and the torment for the Sjodins. And if Rodriquez isn?t ever coerced into speaking, we may never get final resolution in this case. It?s yet another argument in favor of the death penalty. Right now the authorities have no leverage with Rodriquez. They?ve already announced they will be no deal (for instance, a reduced sentence) for information on where he left her body. And since he?s facing a sentence of life imprisonment no matter if they find her body or not - why would he jeopardize his chance that he could con another gullible jury and get away scot free? Not that there?s any reasonable chance of this outcome (since even a failed criminal trial would almost certainly be followed by civil commitment proceedings), but that?s how fevered criminal minds who?ve been coddled by the system think. On the other hand, if there were a death penalty, suddenly a leverage point emerges. Tell us what you did with the girl and you live. Clam up and you die. That still might not be enough to get the truth out of this evil man, but it?s an option we don?t have now. And if he chose to remain silent anyway, at least we?d get to kill him.
That's A Wrap
Friday. At last. A long week. Has almost wound down. We have written a lot. And now are running on fumes. Atomizer is in deep consultations with his father over a pending legal matter. Saint Paul is off on his annual Christmas shopping extravaganza. Which usually begins and ends at the tavern two blocks from home when he stops in for "one quick tottie" and departs twelve hours later. Looks like another Christmas with gifts of cocktail napkins and pickled eggs for the family. What better time to turn to that old standby, the trusty mailbag? Regarding my appearance on Hugh's show Wednesday night, Shawn says he saw it all coming: When I heard Hewitt say you were coming on, I said to my radio "Beware, Elder. The Snake is going to come after you." And right off the bat he did. First you were a little late, that didn't help. But even I was amazed at his "Bartolo Colon" question. Jesus Christ...that was majestic. Nice to know that I'm not the only one who talks to my radio. Next up is Tom who weighs in on winter driving among other things: Since hearing about your fine blog on Ralphie's show, I have been a daily visitor. Low and behold, I was transferred to the Minneapolis area in October. I currently live in a fine conservative part of this country, Cincinnati (Bush 54.5%), that gets a small amount of snow each winter. Many of my Great White North colleagues claimed that I would need to "learn" how to drive in a Minnesota snowstorm, as they claimed that unlike Minnesotans, Cincinnati people didn't know how to drive in snow. I was concerned about moving to Minnesota... Land of 10,000 Laws and Keillor and the DFL and Wellstone! I have been impressed by the people I have come to meet in Minneapolis. My first lesson in the manliness of Minnesotans (the women too) was when I tried to schedule a staff meeting the first Monday of deer season. It was the fastest and largest amount of "drop-dead" e-mail I have ever received! I like the fact that there is a liquor store on each corner and in each strip mall. That cigarettes (although I'm a non-smoker) are reasonably taxed and that people talk openly about having guns in their home. As I'm splitting time between Minneapolis and Cincinnati, I read the Star/Tribune online when I'm in Cincinnati. Suffice to say, I was more than a bit disappointed that one Joel Stegner became the Strib's poster child for the trials and travails of Minnesotan's trying ever so wearily to trudge through the bleak prairie wilderness in light of the evil Republican withdrawal of the blessed MnDOT snowplow on overtime. Yes, Mr. Stegner, please don't vote for the governor based on your inability to account for the snow in your travel plan. (I drive from the airport to NW Minneapolis and back twice each week. It takes me 1-1/2 hours during rush hour when the roads are dry and clear.) My concern was that I was the only person who read this article and thought, "Stegner, quit your crying and act like a man" ala Vito Corleone to his Godson Johnny. Fortunately, I found to my relief that you too recognized what a candidate for Ensite this Stegner is. Thank you and may God Bless the Coalition of the Swilling. Very well put Tom. Who says our readers aren't the most intelligent in the blogosphere? Pipe down JB. Speaking of deer hunting in Minnesota, it looks like a record harvest this year: Minnesota hunters harvested a record number of deer this fall, killing more than quarter-million whitetails -- nearly 25 percent more than last year. The 253,300 deer bagged by firearms hunters easily exceeded the previous firearms record of 229,236 set in 1992. Who says that Minnesota hunters can't shoot straight? (By the way Hugh, thanks for explaining "How radio works" in that detailed, technical post yesterday. I was always curious.) Sean Francis Xavier Barrett (do you think there's a chance he might be a Catholic boy?) from the The Vatican of Liberalism e-mails a request to stuff the ballot boxes in an on-line poll that his Harvard justice class is holding on same sex marriage. He's encouraging a vote for option C. Vote early vote often. Finally fellow COTS comrade Luke Duke ponders the depths of Atomizer's dedication to music: I don't know what is worse. Two guys going to a Semisonic concert together, or not wanting to miss the music so badly that you relieve yourself in a cup. Ahem. For the record it was not just Atomizer and myself (not that there would be anything wrong with that) at the Semisonic State Fair concert. My wife was along as well. In fact I believe Atomizer was next to her when he "took care of business". As to the lengths that Atomizer will go to not miss a note, I won't go into detail, but let's just say that there isn't always a cup available. Speaking of Semisonic, a very special guest will be in town to join the Fraters crew at First Avenue on Saturday night for a performance by what I regard as the best band ever to come out of Minneapolis (for the last time Atomizer, NO!, it's not The Jets!). When I say special guest, I mean special in the Special Olympics sense of the word-who would come to Minnesota from California in mid-December just to see a concert? Right now it's a toasty nine degrees here in Minneapolis. Bring warm clothes.
Where's The Censorship & Crushing of Dissent When We Really Need It?
From today's Star Tribune Item World: Sculptor Aldo Moroni is bringing the Iraq war home to his northeast Minneapolis studio, where he plans to spend the next three years building his own Babylon. Starting Saturday, Moroni and assistants will turn thousands of pounds of clay into ceramic huts and towers covering a 20-by-8-foot platform that will represent the "fertile crescent" between the Tigris and Euphrates rivers. Legend has it that western civilization began in the crescent, and warriors from Alexander the Great to the Presidents Bush have been slugging it out there ever since. Moroni plans to build, level and rebuild the crescent's many layers of history, from Babylonian to Greek to modern skyscrapers. "After doing public art projects for years, I'm going back to my roots," said Moroni, whose ceramic map of the Upper Midwest hangs in the Federal Reserve Bank in downtown Minneapolis. He calls the project "my Guernica," referring to Picasso's antiwar masterpiece. Three years? Must be nice to have that kind of free time on your hands. At least he's not arrogant or anything...
Liberty Without Virtue
Joe Carter (wasn't he a baseball player? I think his signing might help the Angels) at The Evangelical Outpost has a thoughtful essay on why he is not a libertarian: The primary flaw in libertarianism is that it is rooted in an ethic of utilitarianism rather than virtue ethics. Without a person developing the corresponding moral character necessary for self-restraint, his liberty is bound to result in the harm of others. In fact, freedom without virtue is corrosive and will destroy everything within its range. The Founding Fathers understood this connection between liberty and a virtuous citizenry when they founded our republic. "'Tis substantially true," George Washington wrote in his farewell address, "that virtue or morality is a necessary spring of popular government." It's well worth reading the whole piece. Anyone who mentions Calvinball in a serious political philosophy post deserves nothing less.
Thursday, December 11, 2003
Goliath Goes Down
(Note: The following is a transcript of a message received this evening at Fraters World Headquarters) Romeo 23: Fraters HQ this is Romeo 23 Fraters HQ: Go head Romeo 23. Romeo 23: Operation David commenced at 23:23 GMT with the deployment of the sling. The rock was launched at 23:26 GMT. At 23:28 GMT the Hewitt communications bird was knocked out of action for a period of twenty minutes. Repeat twenty minutes. Fraters HQ: Roger that Romeo 23. Twenty minutes. BDA report? Romeo 23: All friendlies are accounted for. No casualties. Impact of loss of comm links on Hewitt command & control appears to have been substantial. Confusion evident. Previous Hewitt operations stopped dead in their tracks and now abandoned. Spoiling attack was a complete success. Fraters HQ: Well done Romeo 23. Submit detailed assessment upon your return. Romeo 23: Roger that Fraters HQ.
You May Already Be A Winner
We have the distinct honor of welcoming a special guest to the Fraters trivia squad for tonight's competition at Keegan's Irish Pub. The Warrior Monk from Spitbull has agreed to make an appearance as well as making a Joe Namath-like guarantee of victory. Since the recent relocation of JB Doubtless to the cozy confines of Rochester, Minnesota for job reasons (namely that he got one), the Fraters trivia team has limped along from week to week plugging in available substitutes and trying to find the right mix. The Warrior Monk is the latest to try to fill the very large and sweaty shoes of JB Doubtless, but his ability to appear on a regular basis is limited by family commitments. And so next week we will once again be looking for a fourth. Which gave us the idea to open this up to our readers. Think about it. We have a highly educated, well-read, knowledgeable cadre of people right at our fingertips. (Yes, that includes you guys at Oak Park Heights too.) What a perfect pool to troll for potential trivia teammates. So we would like to announce the kick off of our Fraters Trivia Team Contest. Entry is easy. Simply send us an e-mail detailing the reasons that you would like to be on the team, along with attached promissory note (in Word preferably) stating that you will be picking up our bar tab. Join us and experience the joy of victory as we extend our string of championships and the agony of defeat as Saint Paul is once again rebuffed in his lecherous advances by yet another waitress. The Fraters Trivia Team is an equal opportunity organization and we do practice affirmative action with a point system. If you are a hot, twenty two year old woman you get fifty points. Anyone else is minus ten. Enter early, enter often.
The Sky Is Falling
This is the second in what will undoubtedly become an ongoing series chronicling the "devastating effects" that are being visited upon our fair state by greedy Governor Pawlenty and the fat cat Republicans' refusal to raise taxes last year. Last week the Star Tribune was wailing about the demise of the Shakespeare festival in Grand Marais. This week they're howling about the lack of snow plows in the wake of our first decent snowfall of the year: The snowfall on Tuesday night was the metro area's first introduction to the state's money-saving snow-plowing plan. Even though it was still snowing and highways were still white, the Minnesota Department of Transportation (MnDOT) cut overnight plowing crews. From 8:30 p.m. to 3:30 a.m., plowing crews were at slightly less than half staff. Anyone on the road Tuesday evening would have seen the trade-off. Despite that claim that "anyone on the road" could see the trade off, all the Strib could scrounge up was one weenie from Edina: Joel Stegner of Edina did, and he would like to tell Gov. Tim Pawlenty: "It didn't work. "The people of Minnesota are used to a certain level of service, and it isn't there," said Stegner, a system director for market research at Fairview Health Services. So how did this impact Mr. Stegner? Was he injured in a horrible accident as a result of the lack of snowplowing? Thankfully, no. Was he unable to get to the hospital to bring in a sick loved one? Guess again. Did the lack of snowplows make it impossible for him to get to work and perform the vital duties of a system director for market research? Nope. He couldn't get to his son's basketball game in time for the tip off (shudder of horror): "It was very annoying to think that the reason I am missing the first half of my son's first varsity game is because of Pawlenty," said Stegner, who pays close attention to budget cuts. Boo frickin' hoo. It might help if Stegner paid as much attention to the weather as he did budget cuts so he would have known to leave a little bit early. I expect that this will become the newest excuse for people coming to work late in Minnesota: "It's not my fault boss. It's Pawlenty's." On one wide-open stretch on Interstate Hwy. 94, just north of downtown Minneapolis, the white cover forced drivers to create their own lanes. Another car drove 18 inches from the side of Stegner's car. "It was incredibly stressful. It felt dangerous," he said. Ooohhh...Was it "incredibly stressful" and "dangerous" for you Joel? It's called winter driving in Minnesota arsehole. If you can't handle the snow stay home you pathetic wimp. I try to refrain from salty language as this is a family friendly blog, but there's really only one word that properly describes Stegner. He's a pussy. Not just an ordinary pussy either. He's a f'in little whiny pussy. He is not a man. Oh by the way, do you think he's a DFLer by any chance? (No offense intended to those DFLers who aren't pussies.) Finally how about some huge props, for creating something out of nothing, out to Star Tribune reporter Laurie Blake who managed to take the childish bawling of one spoiled (Editors note: The inspiration for this tirade was this morning's Bob Davis show on local radio station KSTP AM 1500. Bob has the best talk game going in the Twin Cities these days and I encourage you to give him a listen.)
Local Ad Wizards in Rare Form
Question - what are some of the words that come to mind when you think of skiing in Minnesota? Anyone out there thinking ?Jewish, Ivy League, intellectual, Seattle, and Holly-weird? really ought to seek professional help. Or get a job at whatever agency is handling the ads for the Patriot. Because now appearing in heavy rotation on AM 1280, ads for Buck Hill Ski Area, personally endorsed by ..... Michael Medved. Yes, that Michael Medved, the Philadelphia-born, San Diego-raised, Yale-educated talk radio host, currently living in Seattle. Doing ads for an overgrown molehill next to an interstate highway in Burnsville. Hopefully his star power alone is enough to get a positive buzz going among the arch conservative skiing enthusiasts in the target demographic. Because I?d put the probability that Medved has ever been skiing in his life at about 15%. And the probability that he?s ever been to Buck Hill at approximately 0%. Then again, maybe he?s some sort of closet Jean-Claude Killy. Because I?d have similar skepticism if I heard Medved doing an ad for Dunkin? Donuts, but then I get this nugget from his home page: In 1968, Michael entered an eating contest sponsored by Dunkin' Donuts of New Haven. He consumed more than two dozen large, filled donuts within the allotted one hour time limit and finished second in the State of Connecticut. About the only thing that can distract me from these radio ads are the new Pioneer Press billboards sprouting up along my commute into the East Metro suburbs. The concept, to promote all of their top columnists as .... dogs. Yes, that?s right, in larger-than-life words and pictures, their styles and visages are compared to various slobbering, filthy mongrels. On East bound I94 and Century we get one for ?Bob Sansevere - Junkyard Dog." Because, I suppose, junkyard dogs are horribly cliched, dull, and for dramatic effect often use one word sentences. Really. Somewhere else on I94 (can?t remember where) there?s ?Charlie Walters - Scoop Dog.? Because, I suppose, he gets ?scoops,? which is newspaper parlance for getting breaking news before anyone else. But the unfortunate combination of the dog imagery and the word ?scoop? makes me think of only one thing. And let?s just say it doesn?t smell like journalistic excellence. On 694 southbound in Oakdale there?s ?Joe Soucheray - Speak Dog. Speak.? No clue what that means. Maybe something about speaking his mind. And we all know how eloquent dogs can be when coerced into expressing themselves. But the big problem with this advertising campaign is trying to figure out how they?re going to work in dog imagery in relation to the other star Pioneer Press columnist, Laura Billings.
The Sorcerer's Apprentice
Lest any doubts linger as to the duplicitous nature of the activities of a certain nationally syndicated talk radio host, recall that he labored (and learned) at the feet of the master of "dirty tricks", one Richard Milhouse Nixon.
Wednesday, December 10, 2003
Attack Of The Deranged Mutant Killer Monster Snow Goons
"Calvin and Hobbes" was simply the greatest comic strip ever created. Look at these and tell me I'm wrong. Go ahead...I dare you.
Just Remember He's A Lawyer
If you heard my appearance on the Hugh Hewitt show tonight and are thinking, "Wow, that guy's an idiot on sports", consider that Hugh asked me to appear on his show under the pretense that we would discuss the Grover Norquist/Frank Gaffney dust up. That's right. HE asked me. I have never asked to appear on the show, much less begged. And I certainly never claimed to want to be the show's sports expert, although I know considerably more than Hugh does about most sports. Hugh's a lawyer folks. Never, never forget that salient fact. As to former Indians hurler Bartolo Colon? He will help the Angels, although not significantly. At least he's not playing for the White Sox anymore. Which is a sliver of light in an off season that's been pretty gloomy for Twins fans.
Just Sit Back And Enjoy It
Today Lileks recommends Boogie Woogie Christmas by the Brian Setzer Orchestra as a Christmas gift, a suggestion that I whole-heartedly endorse. It's a terrific Christmas album and the song Nutcracker Suite has even been nominated for a Grammy. Last Friday I caught the Brian Setzer Orchestra Christmas Extravaganza. And it was a whale of good show. Show being the operative word as the BSO was all about entertaining. Spiffy outfits, set changes, special lighting and effects brought to mind a Christmas variety show more than a straight up concert. Despite the fact that Setzer has a new album out, he didn't play a song from it. Instead he mixed in favorites from The Dirty Boogie, Ignition!, Vavoom! (my personal favorite), around heavy doses of Boogie Woogie Christmas. He even cranked out a couple of 'Stray Cats' classics to keep the crowd rocking. He aimed to please and did that just. My only complaint of the evening? The people in the audience who couldn't make it through the ninety minute show without getting up multiple times. It was so bad at times as to be distracting. They're putting on a show up there people. Take care of business before the music starts. Get your drinks, go to the can, have a smoke outside, whatever it is you need to do. My God. I was once at a Semisonic show with Atomizer at the State Fair and, rather than risk missing anything with a trip to the facilities, he relieved himself in a cup. Now few are as dedicated to the music as he, and I'm not suggesting that such extreme measures need to be employed, but is it too much to ask to wait until the music stops? It makes the experience so much more enjoyable for the rest of us.
And That Foot Is Hugh
Probation? Don't you mean double SECRET probation Dean Wormer? As for you, Niedermayer, your time will come.
Shhhhhhhhhhh...
Don't tell the Monkeys about this post. I think we know far too much about their personalities the way it is.
Is Grover Being Frank?
Norquist versus Gaffney? I listened to the hour long debate last night on Hugh's show. I read the whole piece by Gaffney at FrontPage (yes, all twenty pages of it) that started the fracas. And? And I can't possibly untangle this web of charges and countercharges to reach any clear conclusions yet. I agree with The Speculist, that the personal animosity between the two makes it difficult to separate the pertinent facts from the churlish name calling. But I'm leaning toward the views of Ed at Captain's Quarters (pretty smart for a jack booted thug) and the Big Trunk at Power Line that Norquist is not coming completely clean. During the on air debate last night be seemed to choosing his words very carefully, almost too carefully, in a Clintonesque manner in order to dodge questions: Do I know him? No. Did I meet him? Yes. For Grover it all depends on what the word 'know' means I guess. Hugh will be replaying yesterday's debate in the third hour of his show tonight, as well as discussing the matter with Prof. Reynolds, The Big Trunk, and...(drum roll please) The newest member of the Northern Alliance of Blogs; Ed from Captains Quarters. Congratulations Ed. You will now enjoy all the privileges and distinctions that membership in our organization brings with it. Mitch should be stopping by shortly to drop off your membership package along with a freshly baked loaf of bread, before he plays a rousing rendition of the Northern Alliance fight song on bagpipes. Just our way of saying welcome aboard. UPDATE: If you think tin foil lunacy is limited to the left, check out the comment threads on the Little Green Footballs post on this subject.
Never Say "Flip You!" To Me Because You Haven't Earned The Right Yet!
This is just a friendly reminder to those of you who believe that the United States is acting unilaterally in its approach towards Iraq. Every time you hear someone mention "coalition forces", please remember the following countries, all of whom have lent their support: Afghanistan, Albania, Australia, Azerbaijan, Bulgaria, Colombia, the Czech Republic, Denmark, El Salvador, Eritrea, Estonia, Ethiopia, Georgia, Greece, Hungary, Italy, Japan, South Korea, Latvia, Lithuania, Macedonia, the Netherlands, Nicaragua, the Philippines, Poland, Romania, Slovakia, Spain, Turkey, the United Kingdom and Uzbekistan Also take note that France, Germany and Russia are not on this list. Remember this when you hear representatives from these three countries complain today that they are being barred by the Pentagon from competing for contracts to rebuild Iraq. (I'm sure that I have forgotten at least one coalition country. Please don't get angry...just let me know and I will make it right.)
I'm Okay, You're Okay, Iceland's Okay
Minnesotans have a long and embarrassing history of being hyper sensitive to what outsiders think of our state. This lack of self-esteem and desperately pathetic desire to be liked was probably best exemplified by the disgraceful 'We Like It Here' sign that used to be displayed at the Metrodome. I shudder with shame at the mere thought of it. But it appears that we have nothing on the insecurities of the people of Iceland. My observations on the island, made after a recent three day visit, have stirred up a bit of geyser over there as evidenced by this post at a blog humbly titled, Reykjavik (I knew we should have just called our blog 'Minneapolis' instead of opting for all that Latin mumbo jumbo): Well, it seems that not everyone enjoys Iceland. That's because some people shouldn't leave the comfort of what they know. My advice is: if you're not prepared to go somewhere where things might seem "different" to you, stay home and watch a video. Preferably something you've already seen before so you won't find something to complain about. Read this and find the 25 or so reasons why this person should have stayed at home. Oh pal, by the way. The Icelandic Tourism Bureau called. You didn't get the job. Before I'm stereotyped as an ugly American type who looks for the nearest McDonalds when traveling overseas and doesn't like anything "different" from the sanitized corporate world of the closest suburban shopping mall, let me state for the record that I enjoy leaving my comfort zone and experiencing new, and yes, even "different" things. I spent three weeks in Germany last year and never even considered a Big Mac value meal. I travel to Chihuahua, Mexico two or three times a year for work. Now that's "different". Don't get me wrong. I actually did enjoy my visit to Iceland. It was far from perfect but then no place is. A fact which some of the natives apparently have a hard time accepting. Look you've got a nice little country there. The women are pretty, the economy is good, the people are well educated, you know how to party, and you can leave your baby in a stroller (pram, whatever) in the street when you shop. But your water smells like rotten eggs, daylight is scarce in the winter, the architecture is functionally bland, your dance music sucks, and it's a damn expensive place to drink. Which still makes it about a hundred times better than Iowa. But those are just my views. You're entitled to your own of course. But to advise me to "stay home and watch a video" doesn't seem like a very appropriate response if you really wish people to appreciate the wonders of your country. And it doesn't do much to dispel my characterization of Icelanders as cold and not all that fond of visitors. Since tourism is the second largest industry in Iceland you might want to at least put on a good face, despite what you really feel about people. Here in the Upper Midwest we like to call that "Minnesota Nice".
Tuesday, December 09, 2003
Non-Conservative Paper Shows Astounding Lack Of Non-Bias
The following story appears in the on-line version of the Minneapolis Star-Tribune: Radio talk show host quits non-conservative program Interesting choice of words, don't you think? Let's read on: An effort by a recent Democratic congressional candidate to introduce a non-conservative alternative to the local talk radio scene got off to a shaky start Thanksgiving week when the star of the show, veteran local comedian Jeff Gerbino, quit after two days. He complained that the boss wouldn't let him be funny or provocative and was turning the show into a "shameless plug for the DFL.? Those of us familiar with Gerbino?s work would contend that he is incapable of being either funny or provocative, but that is beside the point. Let?s take a look at the non-conservative guests who have appeared on the show, cleverly entitled ?High Ground?, during Gerbino?s brief tenure: ?(Gerbino) complained about an hour of the second show that featured this lineup of guests: Sen. Mark Dayton, U.S. Rep. Jim Oberstar, Attorney General Mike Hatch, a professor discussing the Democratic presidential field, state Rep. Tom Rukavina and (Al) Franken. That?s a non-conservative lineup if I ever saw one. Have any less non-conservative non-conservatives appeared on the show? Gerbino?s boss, Janet Robert, certainly thinks so: (Robert) said the show?has had Republicans as guests, although she could think of only one, State Auditor Pat Awada, who was on the show after Gerbino's departure. Well, there?s your balance right there. The show has been on the air for a mere two weeks and the State Auditor is the only non-non-conservative guest she can think of? And what radio station can we thank for giving us this ?centrist and politically independent? program with ?no partisan leanings?? That would be WMNN which happens to be owned by the parent company of Minnesota Public Radio which, I?m told, also happens to be slightly non-non-non-conservative.
Nick?s Knack
I just got this in my inbox, a promotional spam from the Star Tribune: From: FYI@startribune.com To: saintpaul@earthlink.net Subject: Welcome Back, Nick Coleman Date: Dec, 9, 2003 1:44 PM After 17 years with the Pioneer Press, columnist Nick Coleman is back where he started: at the Star Tribune. Coleman is a St. Paul native who still lives in the city and will bring you inside the heart of Minnesota happenings. Nick has a knack for knowing what makes readers laugh... and what makes them cry, always defined by his love of our state and the people who live here. Given his knack for making us laugh, I wonder if he wrote this email? That?s how they?re selling him - ?he?ll make us laugh, he?ll make us cry?? Is this a newspaper column or a trailer for a Julia Roberts movie? Personally, when I read the paper in the morning with my oatmeal and toast, I?d just like to get updated on the news, I can do without the wrenching emotional roller coaster that apparently is Nick Coleman?s prose. As you may recall, Nick Coleman?s wife, Pioneer Press columnist Laura Billings, is being promoted in billboards around town as having ?20/20 Insight.? Good lord, with all the guffawing, sobbing, and deep introspection going on in that house, when do they ever have time to write their columns?
Smells Like Conservative Spirit
Robert Goldberg urges conservatives to see the bright side of the recently passed Medicare bill (yes, there is one) and accept that a prescription drug benefit was inevitable in a piece at NRO: Conservative angst about this bill pits the perfect against the good. Here we have the first change in Medicare that does not include government price controls or rationing, that consists largely of giving people choices and plans tax credits, that means tests a benefit, that encourages competition and the initial conservative reaction is that liberals will turn this into a command and control entitlement. Conservatives need to have faith in their own abilities and principles. This is the first salvo in a long struggle to remake the two largest government entitlements, and conservatives should view it as such. A must read for all those conservatives who can't seem to stop squawking about the bill, especially those who play trivia on Thursday evenings at a certain Irish pub in Nordeast Minneapolis.
Who's Losing It?
FlappersRevealingMuch?!? This from the same man who just last week came up with the classic 'FratersInebriatis'? You're better than this Hugh. Don't start going wobbly on us now.
Another Gift Idea Down The Drain
So much for the embroidered Fraters Libertas logo denim shirts that I was planning on giving out to the staff for Christmas. After reading about Saint Paul's Imelda Marcus-like collections of shirts (sixty some plus!), it's obvious that he doesn't need a corporate handout taking up valuable closet space. It also begs the question, just how much are we paying this guy anyway?
In, But Not Of, My Shirt Collection
If there?s one thing you can say about my wardrobe, it?s fully embraced diversity. While in the process of inventorying my fall and winter shirt collection (because I?m finally engaged in the Minnesota tradition of packing away the spring and summer clothes and hauling out the winter ones) I was struck by the gorgeous mossaic of countries represented on the ?Made In? labels. My conclusion - I?ve got one hell of a lot of cheap shirts. And given current exchange rates and standards of living, I?m directly responsible for the annual incomes of four families in Mauritius. Here now is the complete roster of Where My Shirts Are From (Fall/Winter edition): Mexico (11) USA (10) Mauritius (6) Hong Kong (5) Sri Lanka (5) Honduras (4) Malaysia (4) El Salvador (3) Canada (2) India (2) Pakistan (2) Philippines (2) Bangladesh (1) China (1) Egypt (1) Thailand (1) Guatemala (1) Indonesia (1) Italy (1) Korea (1) Vietnam (1) Vietnam!? Pakistan!? You people must think I?m strolling the streets of St. Paul looking like a cross between Ho Chi Minh and Nusrat Fateh Ali Kahn. But since I don?t live in the Midway, that would make me look like some sort of freak. Trust me, these are all normal shirts. Just because I own one made in Egypt, doesn?t mean I?m running around the house in a flimsy galabia (not that there would be anything wrong with that). These are t-shirts, dress shirts, flannel shirts, sweaters - all securely in the Western fashion tradition of American office casual slob chic. After rooting around in my closet for an hour, no doubt some radical geographer could create an economic transition map of imperialistic exploitation. As long as he?s in there, maybe he could give me a few fashion tips too. Kind of a Marxist eye for the capitalist guy. (?Man, you need more Mao Suits, Wellstone! shirts, and maybe some hemp trousers.?) Tune in next week for part 2 of this series, entitled: My Underwear Are the World.
Monday, December 08, 2003
But At Least He Sticks To His Guns Right?
One of the supposed strengths of Howard Dean is that he has staked out clear, straight-forward positions on most issues, as opposed to the waffling of many of the other Democratic contenders (especially John F-bomb Kerry). But is that really the case? Rick e-mails to point out this extensive list of Dean flip-flops posted a few months ago at The Carpetbagger Report, hardly a rabid right wing site: I would argue that Howard Dean has flip-flopped more times, on more issues, than any of the Dems running for president. It's a continuing problem that may ultimately come back to haunt his campaign. In fact, it's so bad I decided to make a list. It covers everything from Iraq to Social Security and is designed to give Democrats pause in their rush to anoint him as the party's savior.
Bah, Humbug!
Since the Elder has brought up the subject of John Lennon songs that are painful to listen to, let me add the utterly atrocious "Happy Christmas (War is Over)" to the list. You know the one. It features the Imagine-esque lines "War is over if you want it" (sounds like Howard Dean's approach to national security), "Let's stop all the fight" and a similar wish that the perfectly serviceable emotion of fear be eradicated from the Earth. Personally, I tend to depend on fear as a warning that I may want to avoid a particular situation. Without it, I may wish to run blindfolded through a field of electrified bear traps while wearing beard of bees and stuffing enraged rattlesnakes down my pants. Fear, I can live with. Sappy, simplistic and utterly inane sentiments like those expressed in this song I cannot.
Baby He's Back!
And I do mean baby this time. Oh, how I'd like to dip his bald head in oil and... Meanwhile one of Hugh's hired goons fesses up and admits that he is nothing more than a thug. The third task of which he speaks? I fear it involves Lileks, Hummels, and photographic evidence of an exchange. Another sign of the evil dementia that Mr. Hewitt has spiraled into.
Imagine That
I've always hated the John Lennon song 'Imagine'. My hatred stems not from its insipid lyrics, but rather how the song has become a rallying cry for those "concerned" with the state of the world. I have often wondered if these people actually ever sat down for a moment and pondered what kind of world it really would be if Lennon's dreams came true. In high school I recall hearing the song at a memorial service. At a CATHOLIC high school. What part of "no religion" don't you people understand? Today Joel Engle imagines "Imagine" in a piece at the Weekly Standard: Imagine there's no countries . . . Nothing to kill or die for / No religion too / Imagine all the people / living life in peace. Hmmm. A single, borderless entity. No passports or customs inspectors rifling through your luggage. So far, so good. But wait a second. By what laws, rules, cultures, customs, and mores would we all be living? America's? Saudi Arabia's? Iceland's? Cuba's? Obviously, organizing billions of people from different traditions around a common mindset would require some serious coercion that progressives (many of whom will be out in force tonight with lighted candles) keep reminding us is not our prerogative--not even in countries with brutal dictators. And if there's nothing to kill or die for, then there's really nothing to live for, either--not equality, not liberty, not justice. It bears remembering that those young Englishmen who declared, in the 1930s, that they wouldn't fight for king and country did nothing for the cause of peace; quite the opposite. Lennon's own Oxford Pledge may warm the hearts of pacifists, but it's true music to a tyrant's ears. Check out some alternative lyrics for 'Imagine' here.
Organized Resistance
It has become apparent that Hugh Hewitt's goal is nothing less than total domination of the blogosphere. In recent weeks the intensity of his rhetoric has increased and he has ordered his jack booted thugs to take all measures necessary to crush opposition to his imperial dreams of conquest. Up to this point, a rag tag collection of freedom fighters have sought to resist Hugh's advances in a hap hazard, often uncoordinated fashion. While we have achieved some success in blunting the Hewitt spearheads, we realized that in order to prevent the spread of virulent Hughism throughout the land, there was a need for a more formal alliance. Various names were considered including: BLA- Blogosphere Liberation Army AHL- Anti-Hewitt League MILF - Militant Internet Liberation Front (keep your mind out of the gutter) And one that got a lot of attention for its simple yet clear message, The No Hugh's Club (we did allow that an exception would be made for Hugh Grant after furious lobbying by Saint Paul) But in the end only one name emerged that truly captured the essence of those united in opposition to Hugh. The Coalition of the Swilling And so we will go forward to battle under this banner. Lest you think that this is a unilateral enterprise or what John Kerry might describe as a "fraudulent coalition" here are a few of the members: The Infinite Monkeys (Although I am saddened to report a schism within the Monkey ranks. Over the weekend the Monkeys met for a council of war. After much discussion, picking of lice, and flinging of feces, Brad, who posts as R.B., refused to join with his fellow simians in the struggle against Hugh. He has declared his neutrality in the present conflict, which makes him an object of suspicion in the eyes of many.) Mr_Cranky Puzzlestud The Rocky Mountain Alliance of Blogs which consists of Mangled Cat, Exultate Justi, and View From a Height. And of course the incomparable Ed Asner (even though he hasn't posted lately, for my money Ed's clearly got the best blog going) In addition to these bloggers there are also active COTS operatives in Dallas, LA, and Folsom, California. And this is just the tip of the iceberg. Most of the members of the Coalition prefer to operate in the shadows. This not only allows them to avoid the terrible wrath of Hugh (Atomizer still trembles and breaks into a sweat when recounting the savage verbal beating he suffered at Hugh's hands during the State Fair), but it also provides cover for intelligence gathering and covert operations against Hugh. Their existence will also serve to create a climate of distrust for Hugh and fuel his paranoia. He will never know if the person he is dealing with is secretly a COTS member. In fact there may even be one within the walls of the radio studio right now. Whoops! I've said too much. Sorry about that Moses. Don't worry, I don't think Hugh reads this anyway. If you are interested in joining the Coalition of the Swilling please let us know. You can either decide to risk the slings and arrows from Hugh as a part of our public face or remain behind the scenes, fighting the good fight out of the spotlight. And unlike Mr. Hewitt, we do not demand a series of tests to join our cause. Or the rumored initiation ritual required by Hugh, involving farm animals, petroleum jelly, and Cheetos, with participants wearing nothing but Brian Sipe football jerseys. It's an Ohio thing I guess. Fight the power. Enlist in the Coalition of the Swilling today. Fortes fortuna juvat.
Ralphie, Ralphie...He's Our Man!
Despite our past troubles (and our troubles to come) with Hugh Hewitt, he is the best there is on the radio dial (between the hours of 5 and 8pm locally, at least). So go to Wizbang! and vote for the man. Do it...NOW!!! And don't forget Lileks, Professor Bainbridge and the guys at Powerline.
Sunday, December 07, 2003
National Security Is Not Pretty!
Howard Dean has revived the old Steve Martin comedy bit of the late seventies entitled "You Can Be A Millionaire and Never Pay Taxes". For those of you who don't remember, Martin's foolproof plan to foil the IRS began with: "First...get a million dollars." Dean's modern day equivalent reads (from his own website): I (have) laid out four goals for American leadership in the world: First, defeat the threat posed by terrorists, tyrants, and technologies of mass destruction. Despite the fact that Dr. Dean has opposed everything President Bush has done in the past three years to do just that while offering no alternative solution, I think he is on the right track. All we have to do is simply claim a desire to defeat the enemy and things will work themselves out. There's no need to worry about the details. Just express a willingness to defeat terrorism and it's as good as done. And when the United States is hit with an attack that makes September 11, 2001 look like a freaking mosquito bite, people like Howard Dean will be left saying, as Martin instructed when the IRS came looking for payment, "I forgot".
Enter the W.A.S.B.
I never thought I?d say this, but there just aren?t that many sour bastards reading us anymore. I send out the clarion call for suggestions on new anti-death penalty slogans and after a couple of days I only get three or four dozen submissions. Let me tell you, there was a time my inbox would have been clogged with a river of bile so vicious, so viscous, I would have been getting Terms of Service violation notices from Earthlink. Those days are apparently over. I blame it on attrition of these types of readers based on the prolonged sabbatical of their hero JB Doubtless. But while the quantity of submissions has declined, the quality is as good as it ever was (that is, barely literate.) But the cream has risen to the top. And with it the rise of a new community action group, soon to be irresponsibly inflaming a scandal near you. Collectively, they?re calling themselves We Are Sour Bastards (W.A.S.B.). Individually, each of its members has qualified as a community leader in his own right: reader Jim Styczinski, Luke Duke at Puzzle Stud, and some guy on the Elder?s hockey team. Here's a sample of their anti-death penalty slogans. When you hear this level of rhetoric being screamed in your neighborhood, know they?re on the case (and call a real estate agent immediately): If you give us the noose, You?ll feel the wrath of Zeus! That one will be particularly effective in the Little Athens section of Shoreview. Don?t send our felons to the chair, For they would miss the State Fair! This one is particularly chilling since killing criminals would mean big trouble finding people to work at the Ye Olde Mill and the All You Can Drink Milk booth. Barcelona Chairs, YES! Electric Chairs, NO! I think that one has something to do with the Pottery Barn. If so, count me in on the lynch mob. Don?t care what you say Tim Pawlenty, We?ll have none of your death penalty! The accent necessary to rhyme that one is a perfect fit for some of the Russian Orthodox neighborhoods in Nordeast. And I?ve just informed the language scholars at rhymezone.com that something indeed does rhyme with penalty. Don?t let the conservatives loose, giving our criminals the juice. A classic. Factually accurate, to the point, and a vague allusion to OJ Simpson. Killing killers is a slippery camber Minnesota Nice means no more chamber. That first line has an Al Franken ?Lying Liars? feel to it, which is getting a very positive buzz in the more oppressed areas of town. And it will expand the vocabulary of all in attendance at the rally. In this context, ?camber? means ?a setting of the wheels of an automobile vehicle closer together at the bottom than the top.? Now doesn?t that sound progressive? While all of the above are fine suggestions, each worthy of their own protest march to the Capitol in St. Paul, there was another suggestion that was even better. From a man who, I think, deserves to be the leader of W.A.S.B. This guy is so good, he won the contest and he didn?t even bother to enter it. Instead, I lift the following anti-death penalty slogan wholly out of context from an entirely unrelated post by the Warrior Monk at Spitbull. Goddamn you Pawlenty! Pandering partisan hack! Excuse me while I wipe a tear away. The spiteful anger, the name calling, the ability to ruin any chance at consensual resolution, and the cadence, my God the cadence! This man is the greatest natural community leader the country has seen since the emergence of Ed Asner. And to think, Fraters Libertas is responsible for inspiring both of their blogs!
The People Have Spoken
And a whopping 43% of them want Mr. Hewitt to step aside immediately and make way for the next generation of talk radio host. The wave of the future if you will. Let the Matthew Gordon era begin. Thanks to all those who participated and be sure to check back for our next poll question: Should Generalissimo Duane follow Hugh into the sunset?
They Support The Arts With Your Money
OUR most loyal reader and frequent contributor (keep your paws off him, you damn dirty apes), James Phillips adds his two cents to my piece on the demise of the Shakespeare Festival in Grand Marais, Minnesota because of state budget cuts: Good lord, it sounds like the Strib is recycling editorials from its sister paper, the Sacramento Bee from the days when our symphony orchestra was circling the drain. Gees folks, get over it. I remember my first job at a law firm after I got out of the Navy. All the partners raved about going to the symphony (as did a couple of pretentious brown-nosing associates). Of course, these guys had money, as did everyone else "supporting" the symphony. Unfortunately, their "support" consisted of political pressure to "support" it with my money (tax dollars). Screw you people. And these people were almost universally "good liberals" (Sacramento Nice?) Yes, and I seem to recall the same over-wrought rhetoric. But sadly, Yes Virginia, the canary isn't dead and there will continue to be a government Santa for you. I am sure that the Minnesota taxpayer will continue to pay for elitist art and entertainment that working people (you know, the people you care about) don't give a damn about. You'll get my support when Minnesota taxpayers start supporting things like the Brian Setzer Orchestra Christmas Extravaganza.
Saturday, December 06, 2003
Another View
Believe it or not there are some who believe that my comprehensive analysis on Iceland, made after a three day visit, was perhaps not 100% spot on. Here's an e-mail we received from Audi (she has her own blog) on the matter: I just finished reading your somewhat interesting blogpost on Iceland and I think I've never wished as hard for a comment link as now. Since there wasn't one I just thought, what the heck I'll write this guy an e-mail and tell him what I think. First of all I guess judging by everything that we don't share our views on politics. So maybe my words will go in one ear and out the other cause I'm a damn "commie" but anyhow. Did you not realise there is both hot and cold water?? Do you brush your teeth with hot water? To my knowledge there is no sulfat whatever you called it smell of the cold water. Don't you know it's the cleanest water in the world... this is what clean tastes like! Then again I'm pretty much used to this after living here almost all my life so maybe I'm mistaken. What Bar/Club did you go to? This place you speak off sounds horrible and I just want to clarify that although you can say many bad things about our city there are some cool bars around here that play good music. Unfortunately the tourists seldomly end up at these places like your post indicates. I think your theory about the goverment and the system is way off. I can't back up this views in English but after you have taken a course in our very non-understandable language I'm more than happy to explain everything. The houses are not bland and they are very charming... gees you are a hard man to please aren't you. Other than that I thought it was great though, It's always nice to see what others have to say about my little island... Maybe I should have stayed for one more day. Or maybe I just needed a local like Audi to help show me more of the flava of Iceland. Next time I go to Iceland I'll know who to contact. After I finish that eighteen month immersion program in Icelandic that I signed up for...
Mayor Of Anaheim to Hewitt: "Nuts"
It was refreshing to hear a politician with real courage yesterday. When Hugh Hewitt asked Anaheim Mayor Curt Pringle to be granted the honorary title of "Captain of the Boxes" or something silly, the good mayor rightly questioned Hugh's allegiance to the city and rebuffed him with extreme prejudice. It was a wonderful radio moment. The Hewitt title blitzkreig had been rolling over all opposition until Hugh overreached with his latest bid for glory. His dreams have been smashed at the gates of Anaheim and he is now in headlong retreat.
The Demise of Free Will
A new Dark Age is descending on Minnesota. Oh, you might think that nothing's really changed since the greedy Republicans refused to raise taxes last year in the wake of an enormous budget deficit. You might think that slowing the growth of state government spending hasn't impacted the vaunted quality of life in Minnesota. But you would be wrong. Oh so wrong. We're on the precipice. We're flirting with disaster. We're regressing as a society. Why? Because there won't be a Shakespeare Festival in Grand Marais this year. (audible gasp of horror) Yes, I know. The thought of it is almost too horrible to bear. But an editorial in Friday's Star Tribune bravely points out this sad truth and what it means for the future of the state: But if Minnesota is to be about more than mere survival, if it is to be a civilized and celebratory place to live, work and raise a family, then the Grand Marais festival is akin to the canary in the coal mine: Its demise warns that something dreadful is happening, and that we should take quick, corrective action to avert disaster -- in this case aesthetic disaster. You might think that in a time of war, rising health care costs, and a slow economy it might not be appropriate for the government to be funding arts programs in small towns. But you'd be wrong. You might think that perhaps, just perhaps, if the Shakespeare Festival is so vitally important to the citizens of Grand Marais that they would be able to find a way to fund it themselves, either through donations, or local tax revenues. But again you'd be wrong. You might think this is more about the wishes of whiny elitists from the Twin Cities to drive up to the North Shore and watch Shakespeare plays on your dime than any actual concern for the people of Grand Marais. But of course you would be wrong there too. For you see, this is about nothing less than the very civilization of our state. The canary is dead. How much longer can our culture expect to survive?
Friday, December 05, 2003
It's Just The Booze Driving, Occifer!
U.S. Representative Bill Janklow (SD) ran a stop sign on Aug. 16, reportedly at a high rate of speed, and struck a motorcycle driven by Randy Scott killing him almost instantly. His defense team is now trying to prove that Rep. Janklow was not responsible for the accident. They contend that his diabetes was at fault. In light of this brilliant defense (go ahead...read it), I have begun crafting a similar line of reasoning to excuse my behavior in the event that I ever, God forbid, face a DUI charge. I will argue that I may not have felt the early effects of the alcohol I consumed because it was hot in the bar I was at that evening and I had been in an angry exchange with one of the other patrons. I will argue that I ignored any signs of inebriation because I thought they were due solely to the cough medicine I was taking, which tends to make me lightheaded and dizzy. I will argue that I had not eaten in the past 20 hours making my system more susceptible to the effects of alcohol. I will argue that sometimes, when I'm drinking, I can get fatigued and pass out which has undesired effects on my driving ability. So, you see, how could I possibly be expected to responsible for my actions in such a situation? It was clearly the alcohol's fault.
Vote Early, Vote Often
No, not in our silly little poll. Vote for something that really matters. The 2003 Weblog Awards at Wizbang. You have the opportunity to vote for our fellow Northern Alliance member, Power Line in two categories (best overall blog & best group blog) and to pull the lever for a certain nationally syndicated talk radio host who bears an uncanny resemblance to the main character in the best Christmas movie of all time (best conservative blog).
He's In The Land Where Anything Can Happen
In order to be a good husband, it's necessary on occasion to put your own desires aside for the moment and partake in activities that your mate wishes to indulge. And this time of year those activites are often related to schmaltzy, over the top Christmas themes. Parades, light displays, special exhibits at stores, and Christmas concerts are a few examples. And so hoping to maintain my standing as a decent husband (as well as thinking that maybe there's still a chance to influence Christmas shopping decisions) I will battle the icy wintery winds and trudge through the snow to escort my wife to a holiday affair at the State Theater in downtown Minneapolis. Sometimes sacrifices have to be made for the greater good. It won't be easy but somehow I'll endure an evening featuring the Brian Setzer Orchestra Christmas Extravaganza. It's a dirty job but someone has to do it.
It?s Rude, Egregious, Contagious, Outrageous!
According to my observations over these many years, in order to be recognized by the media as a ?community leader? in the Twin Cities you need to possess the following qualifications: 1) no evidence that the community needs or desires your leadership 2) woefully misguided priorities 3) no record of constructively accomplishing anything 4) the use of exclusively irresponsible and inflammatory rhetoric at press conferences 5) the use of absurd visual aids 6) be physically repulsive or wear a funny hat To their credit, the Star Tribune-sanctioned community leaders who gathered yesterday to protect the lives of murdering convicted repeat sex offenders did qualify under all of these criteria. (No Internet picture available, but they?re displayed in today?s print edition, and soon to be laminated and framed and available in the Fraters Holiday Gift Boutique). But there?s one more pre-requisite that trumps all of the others. Which is: 7) the goofy slogans you create to support your misguided priorities must be catchy. If you don?t get this one right, you have no credibility as a community leader and you should have your green fez and bullhorn revoked immediately. And it?s my sad duty to recommend just this action for one of the community leaders protesting Governor Pawlenty?s call for a discussion on reinstituting the death penalty in Minnesota. The evidence, as reported in the Star Tribune: One black minister, the Rev. Oliver White, chairman of the public policy committee of the St. Paul Area Council of Churches, held up a hangman's noose and said: "Minnesota Nice should not translate into Minnesota Chokes." Somewhere Jesse Jackson and Johnny Cochrane just flinched. (And this time it wasn?t from their haunted consciences.) My goodness. The good Rev. White spends weeks creating an exact replica of a hangman?s noose at a 32:1 scale so he could swing it around in front of the TV cameras, and then he spends 30 seconds coming up with a slogan that doesn?t even rhyme? It doesn?t have any meter to it either. During the inevitable rallies to be organized in the coming weeks, how does he expect the dozen or so protestors (all coincidently, also community leaders) to be able to chant this? I don?t claim to be a community leader (in fact my good looks and the recent sale of my leopard skin turban with the purple feather effectively eliminate me from consideration). But I think even I can come up with a better slogan than that. How about: Minnesota Nice ain?t no projection So make no room for lethal injection See, that rhymes and it?s based in reality (I don?t think anybody gets hanged anymore). The use of a double negative gives it street credibility. And the line syllable count is spot on, for mass chanting purposes. Although I fear its positive message, challenging us to live up to our highest ideals, does violate rule 4 listed above. How about this one, based on another community leader's words ("It's contradictory to the culture and history of our state," said Caroline Palmer, spokeswoman for Minnesotans Against the Death Penalty.) The culture of Minnesota is about fishin? for bass Not putting our criminals in a chamber of gas I acknowledge, that?s a tortured one. But did you know there?s not a word in the English language that rhymes with ?chamber?? (At least according to the distinguished language experts at rhymezone.com). But again, it?s not nearly irresponsible or inflammatory enough. I guess that?s just the kind of guy I am, way too constructive and cheery. (A result, no doubt, of reading blogs.) Looks like I may need some help with this one. So any sour bastards out there with a talent for strict poetic construction, please come up with a anti-death penalty slogan that?s sure to alienate the opposition and inflame a controversy that ensures no possibility of positive resolution. The winner gets accredited into the Society of Community Leaders and a special gift from the Fraters Holiday Gift Boutique that will make you the envy of your peers at your next press conference.
I Say It's Time To Go Joe
Why does Joe Lieberman continue to throw good money after bad (to say nothing of time) in his increasingly hopeless campaign to become President? Perhaps he missed the concept of sunk costs in Econ 101.
Sweeps Week
Another Thursday night (yawn), another Keegan's Pub trivia championship for the reconstituted Fraters squad. Doesn't it getting boring you might ask, winning nearly every week, thrashing the competition, and drinking the oh so succulent nectar of triumph? Don't be silly. As the victories pile up, as the comparisons to other legendary dynasties are heard more and more often, and as the jealousy and envy of others increase it becomes all the sweeter to savor every delicious moment of our glorious success. A good loser is still a loser. And even if a winner is poor, he's still a winner. There is indeed no substitute for victory. Finally it should be noted that history was made this week, as I became the first player to participate on the winning team on both Tuesday and Thursday night trivia at Keegan's. It's a good thing I'm such a humble man, else all of this might start to go to my head.
The End of the Beginning
Promising young blogger, Luke Duke at Puzzlestud becomes the latest to join the noble struggle against the expansion of the Imperial Hewitt Empire. The erosion of support for Hugh among the coveted 18-25 demographic group is further evidence that the tide is indeed turning. Now this is not the end. It is not even the beginning of the end. But it is, perhaps, the end of the beginning.
Thursday, December 04, 2003
Did You Ever Know That You're My Hero?
Pack it up boys. Shut the machines down. Now that this guy has started a blog, anything that we do will simply pale by comparison. Is it too soon to nominate it as the best blog ever?
From Spinal Tap To This?
If you're not watching South Park on Comedy Central you're missing the funniest show currently on the air. And the only entertainment program that regularly features libertarian/conservative politic views. Last night's episode called 'Butt Out' was a classic. An anti-smoking group came to the kid's school to warn them about the dangers of smoking. They tried to be hip and cool but were lame (think Target Market). The kids were so put off by the group that they actually started smoking, fearing that they might turn out like the losers in the anti-smoking group if they didn't. While trying to hide their smoking from the school counselor they accidentally burned down the school. Their parents were called in but they didn't really care that the boys burned down the school. Instead they were horrified that they were smoking. "I have no son" and "They're nothing worse you could do then smoke" were a few of their comments. The parents decided that the kids must have been influenced by the evil marketing power of "Big Tobacco" and the kids, seeing a chance to avoid personal responsibility, used that as their excuse. Somehow Rob Reiner heard about it and comes to town to lead the anti-smoking crusade. In the process he tries to get smoking banned in bars and restaurants in Colorado as well. All the while he's lecturing about the health risks of smoking and second hand smoke, he's portrayed as grossly obese and is eating constantly. The boys eventually go to the local headquarters of "Big Tobacco" (yes, it's actually named that in the show) and discover that tobacco companies aren't all that evil after all. They make a product that everyone knows is harmful to your health. If you want to use it you do so at your own risk. But it's your call. At the end there's the usual showdown and a lesson learned, with the boys showing the townspeople the truth about the sanctimonious anti-smoking zealots. Best of all Rob Reiner is called a "tubby fascist bastard" by one of the boys. How can you not love this show?
Dueling Blow Holes
The double axe attack of Doug Grow and Nick Coleman hasn?t had a lot of time to get in synch for their editorial barrage in the pages of the Star Tribune. After taking a sabbatical from lecturing us in the pages of the Pioneer Press, Coleman's just now easing back into the mix with his new column from Minneapolis. But already we?re getting the two part sanctimony of a couple of veteran performers. Today it?s concerning the heart-breaking, infuriating case of young Dru Sjodin. Smart, ambitious, pretty college student. The light of the lives of so many who knew her. Now missing and presumed abducted. Everyone in Minnesota is hoping for a miracle, but the sadness of statistical reality hangs heavy as the days drift by without finding her. Out of this sadness also arises anger over the government?s gross negligence in allowing her alleged attacker, a repeat sex offender, to go free. Without any supervision. Besides the filthy animal who committed this crime, others will be held accountable. No doubt the Governor feels the same emotions we all do and he feels the pressure to respond to the legitimate public demand for action. In press conferences he?s been looking ahead toward institutional changes (revised sentencing guidelines, conditions of parole, the death penalty) that will lessen the likelihood of this happening again. And what do you know? Both Doug Grow and Nick Coleman have a big problem with that. And if you didn?t get your fill of elitist derision from Grow yesterday, you can have another does of it from Coleman today. First Doug Grow: This must be how lynch mobs worked. A strong leader, reacting to anger, would work up the crowd, then, en masse, there would be a rush to the nearest tree. On Tuesday afternoon, Gov. Tim Pawlenty, reacting to anger from a case that hasn't come close to being resolved, was calling for the rope. He said he would push for Minnesota to become a capital punishment state. As a Minnesotan, as a governor, as a dad of two young daughters, I'm fed up with these stories where we have children abducted, women abducted, with a not very good system for resolving the issue," Pawlenty said. Even though Minnesota is far different from the progressive place we used to know, this was chilling. And now Nick Coleman: In St. Paul, on the other hand, the politicians were pointing fingers and rushing to get in front of cameras, telling us how many daughters they have and reminding us that they have been in favor of throwing away the key all along and that if we have to kill 'em to get 'em off the street, that can be arranged. The fact that none of them knows what happened to Dru Sjodin and that Alfonso Rodriguez Jr. has not been convicted did not stop their lips from flapping. Sure, they use slightly different words and have slightly different angles of attack, but they?re saying the same thing. The Governor (and by proxy Republicans, electoral politics are never off the minds of these two) is using a tragedy for political ends and the death penalty is too barbaric for their refined sensibilities to contemplate. It makes me wonder if with the hiring of Nick Coleman, the Star Tribune had to also hire a new editor, to make sure these two don?t actually submit the identical column on successive days. This person would schedule daily meetings between the two, encouraging them to pursue some different topics and different points of view. And then every night she hunkers down with a thesaurus and a bottle of Tylenol to attempt to inject at least some degree of originality into their work. All sarcasm aside, let?s continue to pray for a miracle.
The Real Reason They Hate Us
Your seventy two virgins in paradise after you die a martyr's death? You can keep 'em. I'll stick with this: DaimlerChrysler AG will challenge the boundaries of automotive advertising, not to mention good taste, by sponsoring a football game between scantily clad women that will air during halftime of the Super Bowl. For 20 minutes, 14 models dressed in lingerie will get down and dirty during a tackle football game. The program will be live on a pay-per-view channel, requiring viewers to shell out $20 to $30 to get a peek at the game. God bless the U.S.A.
To Be Or Not To Be?
Say what you will about the Liberal Radio Network, it's already among the most entertaining entities in all of broadcasting. And they don't even have any shows on the air yet. Who knows if they ever will? Instead, every month or so we get riveting updates on their continuous Hamlet-like deliberations over their very existence. Who are we? Why are we here? Is there a marketplace demand for our product? Not exactly questions you want to start asking yourself AFTER you've made your investment. But classic business model theory has little to do with the Liberal Radio venture. All they know is they want to lessen the influence of conservative talk radio so as to win more elections and they're convinced they're the smarter and funnier people and that's enough to get the business off the ground. The little details like actually producing shows and finding ways to attract and hold listeners apparently will take care themselves. The latest update comes to us from Byron York on NRO. Apparently the first group of visionaries and investors in liberal radio have dropped out and a new more media savvy and experienced group has taken over. They're calling themselves Progress Media and led by Mark Walsh, a former America Online and HBO executive. And he does seem to understand that any radio program will need to be more than politically correct. It will need to be entertaining too, which hasn't been the case with previous attempts: While some liberals have blamed the demise of those shows on a poor distribution network, Walsh has a more honest take. "They weren't very entertaining," he says. "On the progressive side, we're often accused of having radio or entertainment that sounds like eat-your-vegetables scolding. It's got a slight air of education, of 'I'm right, and you're going to learn why.' And we just concluded that that's not a winner." Well, at least he gets the conclusion correct. Liberal radio hasn't been entertaining for a non partisan audience. But it's hard to appreciate Walsh's insight through his condescension. Notice how he's subtly blaming the listeners for not appreciating the substance of the ?progressive side,? because it has an ?air of education to it.? And in their minds that doesn't work with the talk radio crowd. (Which is why all I want for Christmas is a drool cup, for when I'm listening to the education-free mumblings of Prager, Medved, Hewitt, et al.). It's this very contempt for the audience that threatens to doom their efforts to nothing more than an NPR sized niche audience. Also threatening to doom them is their proposed remedy for the failures of the past: To guard against creeping earnestness, Walsh has hired Lizz Winstead, one of the creators of Comedy Central's The Daily Show, as his head of entertainment programming. Indeed, the company's executives often point to The Daily Show as a model of the kind of programming the new network will showcase. Talk to any one of them for any length of time, and they'll tell you over and over that they want it to be funny. Lizz Winstead - head of programming? Ugh. She's a local girl and used to ply her alleged comedic talent around town. I say "alleged" since my memory of her act is an angry leftist rant interspersed with sneering social commentary (think Garrison Keilor without the washboard thumping). As an example of her style, she's listed on something called Brainy Quotes: I think, therefore I'm single. To repeat: ugh. As my retort, I paraphrase a true comedic genius, Krusty the Clown: "These female comedians always talking about their periods and about the last time they went to the bathroom. Do they really wonder why they can't win a husband?? The Daily Show is a funny program, but only because of its current creative team, led by host Jon Stewart. It's excellence has nothing to do with Lizz Winstead. She quit in a thin skinned huff years ago over some allegedly sexist comments former host (and Minnesota native) Craig Kilborne made to a magazine. And the show was painfully mediocre during the Kilborne/Winstead years. Winstead may have been one of the creators of it, but at its essence it's just another news satire program. It took no creative genius to come up with the concept, it suceeds or fails on its execution alone. And for that she has no track record of success. Or a track record supporting any of the other Progress Media goals. Comments from Mark Walsh: With a new name and new money, the new owners are trying to redefine the idea of liberal talk radio. For one thing, they don't want to call it liberal. Walsh prefers "centrist": "To label ourselves as liberal radio out of the box is a little regrettable, and something I'm trying to avoid," he says. Part of his goal, Walsh explains, is to "scrape off the taint of negativism" that has come to be associated with the word liberal -- a project which he acknowledges "is going to take some time." From Lizz Winstead, an essay she wrote after the September 11 attacks: ?It's our job [as comedians] to challenge our politicians and our policies. It's our job to hold them accountable for whatever role our country has played in a world theater that brings out a level of hatred so deep that innocent lives are destroyed here and elsewhere. It's our job to use our ability to reach millions of people in a way that informs as well as entertains.? There's some centrism for you. And I can't wait to find out how she intends to "entertain" people by discussing why the US is responsible for causing the World Trade Center to be blown up. Earlier Walsh was quoted as saying: "... we're often accused of having radio or entertainment that sounds like eat-your-vegetables scolding. It's got a slight air of education, of 'I'm right, and you're going to learn why. And we just concluded that that's not a winner." And more from Lizz Winstead: The best comedy rises from anger that has done its homework and courageously steps forward. This is the kind of work that we will never, ever have to apologize for. Done right, it is anything but trivial. Done right, it speaks the truth. Whoa - angry, pedantic, and arrogant. No wonder she's the sweetheart of Sigma Chi. And finally, Winstead's view of the intended audience of Progress Media: Lizz openly disdains the modern comedy audience and theorizes on how Jerry Springer killed the comedy star: "I don't know that stand-up is great anywhere anymore. It's just hacks. We have a generation of people schooled to be an audience by watching daytime talk shows. It's horrifying." The head of entertainment programming calling the tastes of the intended audience ?horrifying?? Maybe she does have something in common with Progress Media after all.
Wednesday, December 03, 2003
The Gift For the Man Who Has Everything (On His Face)
Earlier today the Atomizer promoted the Hugh Hewitt Action Doll, the newest item from the Fraters Libertas Holiday Gift Boutique. At this time I'd also like to also promote our all time best seller: Disposable Beard Covers Click on over, and as you'll see from the Elder's modeling, this item is a proud addition to any man's wardrobe. (Also great for women, if you run with carnival folk or people from Hopkins). So buy a bag for the hairy SOB in your family and make this the best Christmas ever. (FYI - those looking for that perfect gift for their favorite Frater will have to find something else. For the 12th straight year our Xmas bonuses consist of a free case of Disposable Beard Covers. Chalk it up to the Elder's largesse and his Howard Hughes-like need for clean room conditions at FL headquarters.)
No Longer A Question Of If, But Of When
Long time fans have seen it coming for some time now. The signs are there for all to see. The unstoppable march of time has taken its toll on a once vigorous, youthful man. Decreased motor skills, diminished mental capacities, memory loss, and an increasing tendency to ramble incoherently. It's never easy to watch someone you admire fall victim to the ravages of old age, and it's even tougher when the time arrives for that individual to accept their fate and retire from public life. No, I'm not talking about Minnesota Senator Mark Dayton although that would be a good guess. Sadly I speak of your radio hero and mine Hugh Hewitt. Hugh's had an incredible run and is to be commended for it. But even he has come to the realization that he has lost the battle with Father Time. The shoulder injury, getting lost in the KRAL studios more and more often, not being able to eat his beloved Cheetos unless they are blended into a liquid form (mmm...Cheeto smoothie), and most of all, the inability to control his bladder during his three hour radio broadcast ("Moses get the mop again!") have finally convinced Hugh that the time has come to hang it up. Having young Matthew Gordon in the studio with him yesterday and today is a thinly veiled attempt to groom a successor (to be molded in his own graven image no doubt). And Hugh should be rightly credited for his effort to ensure his legacy. While Matthew is still a tad rough around the edges and still a little wet behind the ears, he appears to have what it takes to fill Hugh's very large orthopedic shoes. So the question for the legions of devoted fans of Hugh's show is not if Matthew will take over the reigns but when. And as a service for all those who have made Hugh a part of their lives, almost a part of their families, as all of us have, we offer the following poll so that your feelings may be heard: The staff here at Fraters Libertas believes that three months is the proper transition schedule. It will give us a chance to see Hugh one last time on his farewell tour and thank him for all he has done for us over the years. In fact we've already started to take up a collection around the office so that we may present Hugh with a commemorative rocking chair so that he can enjoy his days at Del Boca Vista in ease. Old radio hosts never die, they just fade away...
It Ain't Homer
If there were still any questions about the disastrous consequences of drinking Hugh's Kool Aid, they should be addressed by this "Epic" poem.
Who Needs Hummels? We've Got Hugh!
Fraters Libertas is pleased to announce the availability of our new Hugh Hewitt action figure, and just in time for Christmas! This 10" poseable doll is sure to delight children of all ages. With the soap and rifle accessories (sold separately), you too can recreate Hugh's attempt at cleaning his gun, as shown below, proving he's got nothing on Minnesota hunters. Buy yours now as supplies are limited. 
Dream Team
Those in attendance at Keegan's Pub last night witnessed the confluence of two powerful forces as Team K, the dominant Tuesday night trivia squad, and Fraters Libertas, the rulers of the Thursday night scene, merged for one very special evening. In reality it was not an equal merger as I was the lone Fraters representative and joined with Mr. and Mrs. K, the founders of Team K. Not surprisingly the result was a resounding victory for our newly formed triumvirate. But my Fraters brethren need not worry. Despite a very generous offer to accept a permanent position with Team K and, in the words of Mrs. K, "crush all those who stand in our way" (you should see her post-victory throat slashing gestures) I will remain loyal to my comrades as we continue in our quest for Thursday night glory.
Tuesday, December 02, 2003
Does This Mean I Have To Wear A Kilt?
I proudly share my plaidness with The Chosen Monkey at Infinite Monkeys.  What Pattern Are You?
I Can't Standz No More
Power Line makes note of a story in today's Minneapolis Star Tribune on the funeral of Dale Panchot from Northome, Minnesota who was killed in Iraq on November 17th. I read the same story this morning and realized that I've reached the end of my rope on the mainstream media's constant need to remind us about the May 1st declaration by President Bush that major combat operations had ended in Iraq each and every time a soldier is killed: He was one of 85 U.S. soldiers killed last month, one of the deadliest since President Bush declared an end to major combat on May 1. Panchot was the third Minnesota soldier to die since the war began, all since Bush's declaration. I'm sorry but I fail to see how this is relevant to the story and how it's not editorializing. We all know that about Bush's declaration. It was accurate then and it's still accurate now. He did not say the war was over. He said major combat operations were. Major combat operations can be considered as conventional warfare. That stage is clearly over. We are now engaged in unconventional warfare against the Iraqi insurgents. Why it matters if a soldier died during the approach to Baghdad in April or while on patrol three months later is beyond me. They both died in the Iraqi theater of operations as part of the larger ongoing war. If you want to tell us how many soldiers have been killed in the war since 9/11 fine. If you want to tell us how many soldiers have been killed in Iraq since operations began there fine. If you even want to tell us how many soldiers have died since the Iraqi insurgency began I can handle it. But quit including the crap about "since Bush's May 1st declaration" as if it has any place in a legitimate news story.
Graphic Traffic
Local ace traffic reporter Kenny 'Soulman' Olsen on this morning's Bob Davis radio show (KSTP AM 1500) described a large traffic tie up as "Molly Ivins obese". Later he compared the traffic after an accident as "lingering like Molly Ivins' BO". The man paints an accurate, if gruesome picture with his words.
Monday, December 01, 2003
Where The Hot Springs Flow
(Editors note: my earlier promise of a post on Iceland on Sunday and London on Monday was ridiculously optimistic. Chalk it up to jet lag. Iceland today, London Thursday.) Iceland is a riddle wrapped in a mystery inside an enigma. Or maybe it's a Jenga wrapped in a Rubik's Cube inside a Wuzzle. Let's just say it's an unusual place that begs many a question. Such as: WHY? As in why would anyone decide that this barren, craggy rock would be a good place to live? It's cold, remote, and nearly devoid of life. Yes, even worse than Green Bay. In the winter the sun makes a perfunctory appearance like a hurried guest at a party he didn't really want to attend in the first place. "Yeah, well, it's been great and all Iceland (glances down at watch) but I really have to get going now. You know Mrs. Sun is at home with the kids..." While we were in the country, the sun rose at 9:30am and set by 3:30pm. Can you say Seasonal Affective Disorder? And then there's the water. It's not just that you don't want to drink the water. You don't want to brush your teeth or bathe with it. There's something about the noisome odor of sulfur that leaves you with that not so fresh feeling right after you step out of the shower. Not many things in this world can smell worse than a locker room of hockey players immediately after a game, but the sulfuric steam that arose from the showers had us gagging and gasping for breathe. WHO? As in who are these stern looking Nordic looking types who have decided to live in this harsh land? Sometimes Minnesotans are accused of being cold and reserved. Compared to your typical Icelander however, your average Minnesotan comes off like Ricky Ricardo on ecstasy. Note to Syl Jones: these are the true "ice people". Tourism is the second leading industry in Iceland and the locals grudgingly accept that their livelihood depends upon it. Service is polite but by no means friendly. They'll take your money but they're not really all that thrilled to have you around. Sometimes you get the feeling that just underneath the surface there lurks an ancient malevolence and that given the chance, they'd just as soon cleave your head with a broad axe then bring you another beer. In some ways it's understandable that the men are a tad resentful of fereigners. After all scores of horny American and British men descend on Reykjavik on the weekend, hoping to pillage and plunder the very healthy stock of Icelandic womanhood. And if you prefer blondes Iceland is the place for you. But be warned. Although the drinking age in Iceland is twenty, I have it on good authority from a few of my teammates that many of the quite fetching Icelandic gals out on the town are a good deal younger than they appear to be. WHAT? As in what the farg does that mean? Icelandic is described as an Teutonic language and has changed little over the years. Unlike languages such as German or Dutch it is completely incomprehensible for those not fluent in it. I mean you can't pick up anything that sounds remotely familiar. It is a totally foreign tongue. You want to ask for directions? Try pronouncing this street name: Skolavoroustigur. WHEN? As in when do these people sleep on the weekend? On Saturday night we located the closest thing to a sports bar in Reykjavik in order to watch the Oilers and Canadiens face off in the Heritage Classic ( this was classic). Luckily enough the bartender was able to dial up CBC and, unlike hockey fans in the U.S., we were able to enjoy it live. Live at around 12:30am that is. When we arrived at the bar around midnight there were only four or five other customers. Two young men were throwing dice on the other side of the bar from us and, thinking it might be some kind of traditional Icelandic game of chance (started by Vikings with runic symbols carved on the bones of their slain enemies no doubt), one of my teammates ventured over to expand his cultural horizons. And what was this ritual contest, passed down through the generations by their forbearers, that they played? Yahtzee. That's globalization for you. After the game started the bar began to fill up, although none of the natives appeared at all interested in watching it. At around 1:30am a DJ started spinning tunes and the dance floor slowly but surely became the center of attention. By 2:30am it was on and the place was jumping. Jumping to the beat of horrible Euro-techno crap. The Icelanders, like most continental Euros, have a love of songs that chant the same few lines over and over with a pounding back beat. See The Macarena, The Ketchup Song and Hey Baby if you don't know of what I speak (and consider yourself lucky). As the night wore on the stream of new customers continued unabated. After the game ended, those of us with a shred of common sense decided to call it a night. We did have a game at 10:30am after all. It was 3:30am when we exited. And people were still coming into the bar. On the walk back to the hotel the streets were teeming. At some of the more popular clubs, lines stretched outside as young Icelanders waited to get in. One of the guys on our team was from New York City and he was impressed enough to comment, "I thought New York was a late night town". HOW? As in how does this place or more specifically its economy work? Iceland has one of the highest per capita incomes in the world. And Reykjavik is one expensive city. It takes quite a few Krona to get around town comfortably. The exchange rate was something like 73 Krona to the dollar. Try that math calculation at 2:45am after you're had seven or eight Viking beers and the bartender wants 600 kr to pour you another one. But other than fish and cheap sources of power it has few natural resources. Fishing is the most important industry yet only 10% of the population participate in it. And it did not appear that there were many international corporations to provide jobs. Yet most Icelanders seem to be doing quite well. What gives? Well, at dinner on Saturday night a group of us were discussing this and came to the following completely unproven and probably unsupportable conclusions: -Reykjavik had very few chains. We assumed that the government must discourage them through taxation and/or red tape and encourage locally owned businesses in the same manner. Or the small Icelandic market is under the radar screens for international companies. Either way it appears that most of the money spent in Iceland stays in Iceland. -Jobs pay well. You don't tip waiters/waitresses/bartenders in Iceland (which is reflected in their level of service) but they appeared to have a high enough salary to make a decent living at those jobs. If it is not mandated through some sort of "livable wage" law it is a part of the social contract that the country has agreed upon. -High taxes serve to redistribute wealth and equalize incomes. We didn't have any stats to back up our theory (and I'll be damned if I'm going to research it now) but we guessed that those at the top end of the income bracket get hammered. Which helps to insure that while there are very few of the extremely rich, everyone gets a piece of the pie. Health care is covered 100% by the government and even the church is subsidized by it. -Restrictive immigration serves to limit competition for jobs and keeps wages up. Although there has been more foreign immigration in recent years, it's quite easy to turn the tap on or off at any time depending on the need. You can't exactly sneak into Iceland. For all we know, we could be way off base but Iceland appears to be a small scale example of socialist/protectionist policies that actually work. Don't tell the left or all we'll here is how we should be more like Iceland. It's a hard place to get a handle on. Lying between Europe and North America, you can see elements of both cultures in play. The statism of Europe along with bits of the rugged individualism of the U.S. I wish I could say that it was the best of both worlds. I already mentioned the God awful music and the architecture isn't much better. Part of the reason for the drab, Communist bloc look that many buildings sport is utilitarian I suppose. When you have to deal with the cold, the wind, the rain, and the occasional earthquake style isn't your #1 objective. And they do attempt to spruce things up with a splash of color here and there. But overall the buildings in Reykjavik are bland and utterly lacking in charm. The most striking architectural object is the HallgrÃÂmskirkja church, which sits on a hill overlooking the city. From the outside it is an impressive and interesting structure but the interior is colorless and barren. Very modern. Very European. Very boring. Very Lutheran. And Iceland is a very Lutheran country with 88% of the population checking that box on the census form. They are even proudly so, which is a bit of a rarity in today's "enlightened" age of secularism. In fact if the war against the Islamists goes badly south, Iceland may end up being the last bastion of Christianity between Europe and the U.S. Those of you who are avid Risk players can appreciate its strategic value. Iceland already has played a role in geopolitical history, although it seems sadly unappreciated. The house where Reagan and Gorby met in 1986 at a summit that spelled the end of the Cold War for all practical purposes, is in Reykjavik. All that commemorates the site today is simple plaque that states that a meeting to discuss peace took place there between the world leaders. I would like to see the house turned into a museum devoted to the Cold War and the plaque changed to: "This the place where Reagan spanked Gorby's ass raw with a rolled up SDI blueprint until the Commie begged for mercy thereby signaling the ultimate triumph of the United States in the Cold War". But that's just me. By the way my hockey team finished third out of eight teams in our level. Not bad for a morbidly obese guy who hangs with Ed Asner.
Old Dog Old Tricks
So now Hugh's playing the Frank Pastore card on me with his post today (no permalink available yet) about stomach stapling? This on the heels of his earlier efforts to portray me as a liberal sympathizer, much in the same way he's done with Mark Larson. Is his intellectual cupboard really this bare? Has the sheriff already used up all the ammo in his six shooter? Is throwing pebbles all he's got left? Smells like desperation to me. I love the smell of desperation in the afternoon. It smells like victory.
Spawn
Before Hugh has a chance to take credit for our hard work, we wish to welcome Mangled Cat to the blogosphere and note that Jonathan has credited us for inspiring him to join the fray. Let's just hope that Mangled Cat can live up to the high standards set by Spitbull, the first blog launched under the umbrella of the Fraters franchise. As soon as his check clears, Jonathan can expect to receive a comprehensive package of materials from Saint Paul, including his 642 page blogging style manual and a spiffy red visor. We've spent years developing the Fraters brand name and carefully review all franchise applicants to ensure that they meet the highest quality standards in the industry. Look for the Fraters name on all the blogs you frequent. It's a name you can trust. We wish all the best to Mangled Cat in its future blogging endeavors and remind Jonathan that 40% of all income and royalties resulting from Mangled Cat are the exclusive property of Fraters Libertas Inc. (copyright pending).
Taking the Words Out of Their Mouths
Another hit in the credibility department for the antiwar Left. From today?s Star Tribune, an article on various quotes misattributed to Abraham Lincoln: "There's no honorable way to kill, no gentle way to destroy. There's nothing good in war except its ending." -- Attributed to Lincoln by antiwar protesters earlier this year, the statement was made by an actor portraying Lincoln in an episode of "Star Trek." Ouch. I?m not sure a more damning qualification exists in the English language than the foundation of your argument rests upon .... a statement made by an actor portraying Lincoln in an episode of Star Trek? All things considered, I?d prefer to have my rhetoric attributed to Charo doing a guest appearance on the Love Boat. Or for that matter an actor portraying Lincoln during an episode of the Love Boat (at least it?s the same millennium and according to reports, Lincoln did love playing shuffleboard.) Perhaps you?re wondering just what The Great Emancipator was up to, roaming about the far reaches of the galaxy hundreds of years after his alleged death? The plot summary, from the episode entitled ?The Savage Curtain?: The Enterprise is surveying the planet Excalbia when Abraham Lincoln appears on the viewscreen and is quickly beamed aboard. Lincoln invites Kirk and Spock to the planet, where they encounter Surak, father of Vulcan philosophy. Then a rock creature named Yarnek comes alive and explains its race has no conception of good or evil and wants to find out which is stronger. These four good beings will have to fight four evil figures from history: Genghis Khan, Colonel Green (leader of a genocidal war on Earth in the 21st century), Kahless the Unforgettable and Zora (who experimented with the body chemistry of subject tribes on Tiburon). I guess in context, it doesn?t seem so absurd after all (!!?!). But now that the quote has been exposed by Lincoln scholars as fiction, it can?t continue to be used with the same gravitas. Unless it turns out that the actor portraying Lincoln on Star Trek was some sort of genius in his own right. And with role selection choices like that, who can say? But luckily for the anti-Bush crowd, the collected works of the rock creature Yarnek is full of authentic slogan-related gold. Plus his moral relativism fits in perfectly with their abiding philosophy. I can already see this on a sign being waved at the next protest on the Capitol Mall: Kirk: What gives you the right to hand out life and death? Yarnek: The same right that brought you here - the need to know new things. Or is that just a little too ?on the nose??
Who Says These Guys Don't Have Any Ideas?
On November 14th, James from the Infinite Monkeys proposed dividing Iraq into Kurdish, Sunni, and Shiite regions: One thing I've been sorely dissapointed about in this Iraq thing is why there's never really been a serious discussion about partition. To me its seems like the logical way to go. If I were president that's the direction I'd go. Basically I'd split Iraq into three separate states. On November 25th, in the New York Times, Leslie H. Gelb, president emeritus of the Council on Foreign Relations, penned an op-ed piece titled The Three-State Solution: The only viable strategy, then, may be to correct the historical defect and move in stages toward a three-state solution: Kurds in the north, Sunnis in the center and Shiites in the south. Like Kramer, James is clearly an idea man.
All Atomizer Wants For Christmas Is...
The hopes and dreams of all his years in one display case at the Reykjavik airport.
|
TALK O' THE TOWN 
Listen to the Northern Alliance Radio Network on Saturdays from 11am 'til 3pm on AM 1280-The Patriot:
|
![[Powered by Blogger]](bloggerbutton1.gif){kind=small}
