2004 Blogs Of Distinction Awards
Last year Saint Paul unveiled the inaugural Blogs of Distinction Awards. He explained his rationale for the creation of the BODies thusly:
Why are we presuming to pass judgment on the world of amateur opinion editorializing? Well, why not us? This year, blogging awards have proliferated on the Internet like flashing, pulsating, popping ads on TwinsGeek.
Worse yet, these unregulated arbiters of blogging excellence keep giving top recognition to the likes of that whiny kid from Star Trek and Hugh Hewitt. (No, they're not the same person.) The laughable injustice of these awards has compelled us to act.
In summary, us presenting blogging awards may be a bad idea. But it's a bad idea whose time has come! So, without further ado, here are the official 2003 Blogs of Distinction. To all winners please remember, we kid because we love.
The trend of over hyped blog awards has continued in 2004 with some little known publication called Time even getting into the act. We need the BODies now more than ever.
Unfortunately, putting together the BODies was seriously cutting into Saint Paul's New Year's Eve drinking time. He just can't get into the proper holiday spirit unless he's planted on a bar stool with or three under his belt by noon.
I'd like to say that Saint Paul passed the BODie baton to me, but in reality I've reluctantly picked it up from the ground after he carelessly tossed it aside. I will do my best to keep the franchise alive and kicking for another year.
Dim the house lights please. It's time for the presentations to begin.
The Least Handiest Handyman In the Blogosphere Award
Runner up: Hugh Hewitt whose definition of a do-it-yourself home project is putting up his Christmas lights all be himself. Well, almost by himself. The Fetching Mrs. Hewitt did have to get the ladder out for him again this year.
Winner: James Lileks is a talented scribe with a rapier wit. But when it comes to home improvements around Jasperwood such as putting shelves up in a basement storage space or adding a "lick of paint" to the side of his garage door he wisely seeks professional help.
The Sugar Ray Leonard Award For Repetitive and Meaningless Promises of Retirement
Winner: Coming back to claim a BODie for the second straight year is Rachel Lucas, who has once again returned to blogging, this time with the promise:
...consider yourselves forewarned that I have a lot to bitch about, as it has been building up for some months now, and this blog is not going to be as nice as Piquant Rants. Yeah that's right I said not as nice.
Curse words will be used. Insults tossed forth carelessly. That sort of thing. My former blog got to be markedly unpleasant for me the minute I started worrying what elderly relatives or future in-laws or my more conservative section of readers would think if I said I hope Barbra Streisand suffers from chronic yeast infections.
So screw all that. No more touchy-worry-cringey manners.
Almost makes one pine for the kindler, gentler days of "asshat" doesn't it?
The Award For Most Underappreciated Blog of 2004
Winner: You probably haven't heard of the relatively obscure local blog known as Power Line, but the three law talking guys who write there are doing some pretty good stuff. When are they going to start getting the recognition that they so richly deserve?
The Award For Least Descriptive Blog Title
For the second year in a row, this award is taken home by Blog of the Moderate Left , for even-handed, moderate commentary such as this:
Oh and closed circuit to Senator Norm Coleman (R-MN): You have now lost my vote. Permanently. The DFL could run Josef Stalin against you, and I'd vote for him.
As readers of that blog know, its proprietor considers Josef Stalin to be a fellow moderate.
The World Still Turns Without You Award
Runner Up: Captain Ed who felt that he had to explain why he only had two posts on Christmas Eve. Ummm, Ed? We sort of figured that you were busy with the whole holiday thing.
Winner: Mitch Berg at Shot In The Dark who was compelled to bring in a guest blogger when he was out of town for a few days. God knows life wouldn't be the same without daily updates at SITD.
The Award For Best Satirical Look At A Real Life Married Couple
Honorable Mention: Our own Saint Paul for his controversial and critically acclaimed Newspaper Newlyweds.
Runner Up: The colorful couple at Spitbull, who prove that it's possible to share a bed as well as a blog.
Winner: The dynamic duo of David Strom and Margaret Martin from Our House, showing that marriage is about more than love. It's also about raising parakeets, lusting after bar waitresses and Canadian television personalities, and slashing rates on income taxes for upper income brackets.
The Monty Hall Award For Worst Blog Offer Of The Year
Winner: rphaedrus's One Used Cat
His name is King. He is a senior cat with diabetes, and I don't see a good way to take care of his needs with my pending travel. If someone would be willing to adopt him - temporarily or permanently - I would be greatly indebted.
Some things to know:
* He is Diabetic. He needs regular visits to a vet, sometimes needs regular insulin shots, and tends to go to the bathroom more than normal cats, meaning he goes through more litter.
* He can be tempermental. To those who he trusts and feels comfortable with, he is the most trusting, loving cat you'll ever meet. Seriously - I can do anything with him. However, to those he hasn't learned to trust, he can be touchy. If they don't make a point to say hi to him and they are too loud or energetic, he tends to react poorly. Needless to say, he should NOT be in a household with children or hyper dogs. If you are the one who feeds him and treat him affectionately, you will probably be one of the ones he trusts. He also likes women a lot better than he likes men.
Some of these negative traits are due to the fact that he was abused by his former owner's boyfriend. Some of them are because he is part Russian Blue, and they are like that.
Don't wait to act on this one. An offer this good just can't last.
The "Haley's Comet" Award For Rare Blogging Posts
There are many contenders for this coveted award, as the recipient is likely to be holding down a real job with a real life outside of blogging. Finalists who did not make the cut included our own Atomizer, who after a recent wedding will be expected to up his productivity. Another finalist was the Nihilist In Golf Pants, though the interminable lengths of his posts when he gets around to them led to his eventual downfall. The runner up in this category is our own J.B. Doubtless whose posts are rarer than a gourmet meal at TGI Fridays, and coincidentally consist of generally misguided superlatives related to the food at Fridays, Applebee's, and other mediocre establishments.
And the winner is...
Mr. Cranky, who managed to crank out all of six posts in the entire year. Remember folks, it's not the quantity, it's the quality.
The Award For Best Use of Wishful Thinking in the Guise of Informed Analysis
Runner Up: Fraters own Chad The Elder for guaranteeing that the Red Sox would choke in Game Seven of the ALCS. The Red Sox of course went on to crush the Yankees 10-3 on their way to a World Series championship.
Winner: Flash from Centristy, violating a cardinal rule of blogging - never go on record predicting anything with certainty. Especially when you have no idea what you're talking about. Here's his August 22 prediction on the prospects of a Bush re-election and the effect of the Swift Boat Vets for Truth on the race:
As the Righties continue to implode on themselves, Kerry will gain ground and leave them in the dust. BushCo. is in a rut right now, and only the RNC convention will be able to assist in the hemorrhaging. Not a good time to be a Republican, well, for those that are objective, anyway. The apologists simply have no objectivity left, and will pound this story until a few days after everyone else has moved along, and they will find themselves only talking to each other!
As Flash learned a few painful months later, 60,693,281 "unobjective apologists" are all you need.
The Barbara Eden "Genie, get back in the bottle" Award
Winner: Vox Day for spending the better part of the year championing the repeal of women's suffrage.
The Most Self Reverential Blog Post Award
John Hawkins at Right Wing News for this tribute to Ronald Reagan (and himself):
But, I feel like I owe to the Gipper to do my best to send him off right. So, I'm going to spend the next couple days doing what I can to pay tribute to one of the greatest figures of the 20th century and a better man than I'll ever be.
Well there's breaking news, one of the greatest Presidents in American history is a better man than some blogger will ever be. I guess we'll have to take his word that this is high praise. Because, for all any of us know about John Hawkins, Charles Manson is a better man than he'll ever be.
The Award For Most Boring Color Scheme In A Blog
Winner: SCSUScholars with their sterile white look. How about a little color there guys? A splash of off-yellow perhaps?
The Award For Biggest Waste Of Time By A Blogger
Runner Up: The 5,362,408 members of the blogosphere who spend vast amounts of time on our blogging obsession. Time that could be spent on family, work, education, and physical fitness. Time that none of us is ever getting back.
Winner: Chuck Olsen from Blogumentary who has spent years working on his documentary on blogging that has been screened a grand total of one time (despite a rave review from Mother Jones). Whenever the 5,362,408 of us feel guilty for wasting time, we can just remember that it's nothing compared to the time that Chuck has pissed away.
The Award For Least Enticing Opening Line to a Blog Paragraph
Again, from our friend R Phaedrus:
Let me tell you a story about me.
This one also wins the award for most honest description of every post ever done in the history of the blogosphere.
That's all for the 2004 Blogs of Distinction Awards. See you next year.
[Thanks to the Nihilist in Golf Pants, JB Doubtless, and Saint Paul for helping put the 2004 BODies together.]