Friday, December 17, 2004

Beyond Fatigued

Saint Paul has mentioned in the past that he has suffered from "Coleman Fatigue" at various times. The condition is a product of repetitive reading and writing about Nick Coleman's columns in the Minneapolis Star Tribune. The latest outbreak of CF must be contagious as it appears that I am suffering from the same malady. In fact, I believe that CF is not merely a minor irritation, but rather a full blown medical disorder. From now on, I propose that it be referred to as "Coleman Affective Disorder" or CAD. Symptoms of CAD include:

-A heavy feeling in the arms or legs
-A drop in energy level
-Fatigue
-A tendency to oversleep
-Difficulty concentrating
-Irritability
-Increased sensitivity to social rejection
-Avoidance of social situations

Hopefully, CAD will soon be cataloged in the DSM-IV so that it may be properly diagnosed and treated. The only method that has proven successful in treating CAD is for the patient to completely avoid all things Nick Coleman. Even a drop of Coleman's condescending attitude is enough to propel CAD sufferers into a relapse. Cold turkey is the only way. Withdrawal symptoms include a renewed sense of optimism, improved self-esteem, the ability to feel joy, and a general feeling of happiness.

For those who just can't seem to stay away from the Coleman sauce, here's the latest bitter brew, where Coleman sees fit to lecture his "fellow Christians" about their attitude toward the homeless. Most Christians who are serious about their religious beliefs won't play the speculative game of "what would Jesus do in today's world?" (for example, would Jesus support gay marriage?) , realizing that it's almost impossible to authoritatively determine how Jesus would act, and to presume to be able to is the height of arrogance. But apparently, Coleman's knowledge of "stuff" extends to understanding the mysteries of the Lord:

I guess the point these compassionate Christians are trying to make is that Jesus wouldn't give the homeless a second glance if he came back. And you know what? They might be right. Jesus might walk right past the homeless, the poor and the sick, and march straight into our churches.

Because he'd have a lot of tables to overturn.


I guess it's time to add Coleman's name to the list of important Catholic theologians like St. Ambrose, St. Gregory of Nyssa, St. Augustine, St. Thomas Aquinas, and Karl Rahner. Heck, why don't we just cut to the chase and canonize him St. Nick?

The secular left loves to jump all over Christian conservatives who claim that they know how God would feel about a particular issue. I can't wait for them to go after Coleman for doing exactly that. I'm not holding my breathe.

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