Jim Styczinski, arguably the finest Nick Coleman impressionist in town, submits the following column. It's a prediction of what you might see tomorrow, or whenever Nick decides to address the irregularities surrounding his Maxfield Elementary reporting. Take it away Jim:
The 0.7 mile walk from St. Paul's Maxfield School to the White Castle on the corner of Lexington and University was especially cold this December morning. But it wasn't the North wind that was chilling me to the bone, it was something much colder: the heart of Pioneer Press columnist and blogger Craig "I Hate Poor Kids and I Wear Funny Hats" Westover.
"That Westover just doesn't understand what it takes to educate kids today," said my lunch companion Frank, a homeless former Junior High School administrator. His partner Bob nodded in agreement. I first met Bob and Frank last March when I talked with them on the difficulties of being a gay homeless couple in a society that didn't allow gay marriage. Today, I sought out Frank to tap his educational expertise.
"When I read your column on the book shortage at Maxfield, I said to myself, 'finally someone gets it.' But then I saw how that Westover tried to twist it around and make it the school's fault. Those unaccountable conservatives love to blame the victim."
Frank is something of an expert on cold-hearted conservatives. He and Bob became homeless when Republican education cuts cost him his job as an Assistant Principal for Diversity Enforcement. After reading my column, Frank did something that Craig "Help I'm Chained to My Desk and Can't Go Visit Maxfield School" Westover didn't deem necessary: he went to Maxfield School to investigate the situation first hand.
"I went into the office and asked to see their Assistant Principal for Diversity Enforcement - they didn't have one," Frank cried. "Is it any wonder that they didn't have enough classroom [not text] books? How can books be purchased when there is no Assistant Principal for Diversity Enforcement to vet them for dangerously undiverse ideas?"
"I'm sure I don't need to remind you who cut the Diversity Enforcement budget."
Frank is referring to Republican Governor Tim "I Hate Poor Kids and Public Education" Pawlenty. The sad thing is that it wasn't always this way; there was once a time when Republican Governors supported public education. When I interviewed former Governor Elmer Andersen moments before his death last month, he expressed his disgust with the extremists who have taken over his once tolerant party. "They hate everything, especially schools and taxes," said the former Republican Governor. "I blame those bloggers, especially those Power Line guys. They're all bought and paid for by the Private School Industrial Complex."
Frank, Bob, and I stepped out the door of Maxfield School. At this time of day, we would normally be hearing the Church Bells from the St. Paul Cathedral, 1.7 miles away. But the bells are still being repaired. We decide to take this as a positive omen. The bell has not tolled for Public Education in Minnesota. Not yet.
Brilliant work by Jim. Fans of Styczinski will be glad to hear Jim has recently acquired kiosk space at the Mall of America, right next to the goofy caricature guy in front of Camp Snoopy. For a mere $35, Jim will write your own personal Nick Coleman column, customized with your favorite topics and fields of interest. Although, it will help immensely if your favorite topics are exploiting the homeless, gratuitously enflaming racial controversies, and factually misrepresenting the position of conservatives. Last minute Christmas shoppers remember, it's the perfect stocking stuffer for the Star Tribune reader in your home.
UPDATE: Bill at The Kool Aid Report has another Coleman scenario in mind. In summary, we can't handle his truth.