Wednesday, April 06, 2005

Maple Leaf Threat Level Elevated To Yellow

Readers e-mail to share their thoughts on the danger to Captain Ed posed by covert Canadians. Tim reports from the Rocky Mountain State:

You guys are sure investing a lot of manpower keeping Captain Ed safe. Those Canadians stick out like sore thumbs in their Dudley Dooright uniforms. How hard can it be to spot these guys in a crowd? Better safe than sorry though, I guess.

Here's a tip: if you want an undercover Canadian to blow his cover without you giving up yours, just throw a "Loonie" on the floor. The guy that bends over to pick it up is Canadian. Everybody else will think it's Monopoly money. Another good trick I learned from "Canadian Bacon" is to shout out "Canadian beer sucks." The Canadian in the crowd, if he doesn't try to outright strangle you, will be the guy in the tuque with the clenched jaw.

"Canadian Bacon" was without a doubt Michael Moore's finest work.

Kevin from West St. Paul reminds us that you can't trust anyone in these dangerous times:

The Canadian donut shop of choice is Tim Horton's aka "T Ho's."

The good new's is that their are no Minnesota franchises. The nearest US franchises are located in Michigan. Saint Paul may need to head east and do a little reconnaissance.

Captain Ed should also avoid Tim Pawlenty during the "publication ban." The governor may attempt to extradite the Captain to Canada in exchange for Canadian pharmaceuticals.

Exchange our Eddie for a case of Nexium? Never. However, if we were talking about a case of Sleeman's we might be able to come to an understanding...

Kevin is correct in stating that there are no Tim Horton's franchises in Minnesota. This was not always the case. I can vividly recall the horror I experienced when I first noticed that a Tim Horton's had opened next to a Wendy's in Hopkins (a suburb west of Minneapolis). Were our fair Twin Cities on the way to becoming nothing more than a warm Ottawa? It almost lead me to renounce my free market ideals and jump on the anti-globalization bandwagon.

Thankfully the people of Hopkins demonstrated sound judgment and good taste (qualities that they're not exactly renowned for) by rejecting the glazed greed of the Canadian corporate Leviathan. The Tim Horton's in Hopkins was closed and has been replaced by a much more respectable establishment. Like an adult video store.

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