Friday, April 22, 2005

So you want to go out in a final blaze of incompetence?

Anonymous writes in seeking advice in an area that I would imagine our readers have some experience:

I'd appreciate if you would solicit suggestions for how to get laid off. I really want to get "let go" but have a problem. For three years I've been thinking it likely and thus have attempted to position myself as indispensable, especially recently. But now I want out but and think I did too good of a job "positioning." I would hate to walk from a mediocre severance package.

Some things I've tried that do not work:

-Making personal long-distance phone calls

-Running your own business from the employers office

-Coming in late and leaving early to make up for it

-Loudly telling sexist jokes after a couple of cocktails while traveling with co-workers

-Surfing porn

-Surfing Monster.com

-Surfing PornMonster.com (yes, it really exists)

-Swearing often

-Drinking at lunch

-Swearing more often and louder after drinking at lunch

-Shirking responsibility claiming I'm too busy

-Happily accepting additional responsibility knowing full-well that I will ignore anything that takes up valuable porn-surfing time

-Reading FratersLibertas.com and trying to think of clever ways to get published during office hours

Hopefully the Fraters Network can come up with some ideas I haven't yet tried. Any assistance would be greatly appreciated.

P.S. If my employer found out I do all these things or any combination of three or more, I might actually get fired and lose any possibility of a severance package so please protect the names of the not so innocent.


The call for help has been made. Obviously this is a very worthy cause and any assistance you can offer would be greatly appreciated.

"Remember that summer at Dairy Queen where I cooled my feet in the soft-serve machine?"

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