Tuesday, August 30, 2005

The Ballad of the Scotch Egg

(Sung to the tune of Ballad of the Green Beret)

Eating gluttons at the Fair
Shameless men without a care
Men who drink straight from the keg
The men who eat the whole Scotch Egg

Messy goo upon their face
These are pigs, disgusting and base
Five hungry men with hollow legs
But only one eats the whole Scotch Egg

Trained to live off fried food stands
Trained to gorge, with greedy hands
Men who eat by night and day
Can they finish the whole Scotch Egg?

Messy goo upon their face
These are pigs, disgusting and base
Throw in a gal with a hollow leg
Still only one eats the whole Scotch Egg

At the Fair the winner gloats
A whole Scotch egg in his belly floats
He has proved to be the best
Now he has but one request

Get messy goo on my son's face
Make him a part of the Fair's disgrace
To honor my name, to you I beg
Have him eat the whole Scotch Egg

If you missed last Saturday's live broadcast of the Forty-Third Annual NARN Scotch Egg Eating Contest at the Minnesota State Fair, you missed history in the making. A recording has already been submitted to the Pavek Museum for posterity's sake, along with artifacts for future generations to appreciate.

The Scotch Eggs were graciously supplied by a couple of gregarious gals, seen here being interviewed by Saint Paul. Once the eggs were in place and the condiments applied it was time for the six contestants to get down to business.

The stakes in Saturday's contest were high (a genuine Hugh Hewitt coffee mug!) and so was the drama. You could have heard a pronto pup drop at the Fair Grounds as the countdown began. The tension is evident in the hands of defending champion, JB Doubtless and in the face of Jo, our lone brave female competitor, as she sized up the coming challenge.

The action was fast, furious, and apparently funny looking enough to warrant a call to friends. When the dust and battered crust had finally settled, the table resembled the plains of Armageddon, with discarded egg sticks picked clean like carcasses set upon by vultures.

And a new man will carry the scepter of Scotch Egg King until next year. Congratulations the 2005 NARN Scotch Egg Eating Champion, Patrick "The Oreck XL" Campion, a true man among men.

As the newly crowed champion savored his victory by downing a celebratory corn dog, one thing was made very clear. Despite earning the respect and admiration of his peers, the winner of the Scotch Egg Eating Contest is no role model for today's youth as evidenced by the reaction of this young lady. Maybe the kids are all right after all.

(More from Power Line and Plastic Hallway.)


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