But in order to maintain the high quality product that our readers have come to expect, we realize that we can't simply stand pat and rest on our laurels. We knew it had to happen. We felt the tables turnin'. So we promise to turn some pages so that we'll be here when you're ready to roll with the changes.
The problem is that the four of us come up with these things, we know they're gold, but nothing happens. You know why?
Time. It's all this meaningless time. Laundry, real jobs, drinking, going to Keegan's to play trivia. Do you have any idea how much time Atomizer wastes at the bar?
Anyway, we've all got a lot of things in our hoppers. Oh, we've got hoppers. Big hoppers. We're ideas men without the time to follow through on all the petty details required to bring those ideas to fruition.
And so we would like to announce a new opening here at FLI. Intern. Unpaid of course. Television has 'em. Radio has 'em. Newspapers have 'em. Politicians have 'em (sometimes literally). Why not us?
We believe that this is the first blogging internship to be offered and expect it to generate quite a response. All you'll need is a telephone, internet access, and a positive attitude. Qualified applicants should be web savvy, have an ear for baloney, know how to mix an excellent Manhattan, be proficient in Photoshop, have a well-honed BS detector, and live for research.
You'll enjoy the prestige of working behind the scenes for one of the world's most mispronounced blogs. This is also an excellent opportunity for J school students looking to gain an understanding of what blogs are really all about. Without editors or gate keepers!
But you should be aware that it's not all sunshine and chocolate. Working for Atomizer is not unlike a day in the office with Buddy Ackerman.
Atomizer: What I am concerned with is detail. I asked you go get me a bottle of Sapphire. You bring me back Tanqueray. That isn't what I asked for. That isn't what I wanted. That isn't what I needed and that shit isn't going to work around here.
Intern: I, I just thought...
Atomizer: You thought. Do me a fucking favor. Shut up, listen, and learn. Look, I know that this is your first day and you don't really know how things work around here, so I will tell you. You have no brain. No judgement calls are necessary. What you think means nothing. What you feel means nothing. You are here for me. You are here to protect my interests and to serve my needs. So, while it may look like a little thing to you, when I ask for a bottle of Sapphire, that's what I want. And it's your responsibility to see that I get what I want.
Get your resume in today.