Thursday, April 24, 2008

Take Your Disbelief Out Back & Put A Bullet In Its Head

I don't mean to turn this into all Hallmark Channel all the time blog (despite Atomizer's pleas), but this is just too good to pass up. Not only is the Hallmark Channel going to treat us to the world premier of "Shark Swarm" on Sunday, May 25th, they're now going to follow it up with what they're calling a "White Knuckle Marathon" on Memorial Day. After checking out this classic "so bad they're good" movie lineup, I doubt that I'll have white knuckles, but I'm sure I'll have quite a few chuckles.


When an international flight lands in Los Angeles carrying a dead passenger, the CDC dispatches Dr. Kayla Martin (Tiffani Thiessen, center), Dr. Carl Ratner (French Stewart, left) and FBI Agent Troy Whitlock (Vincent Spano, right) to identify the mysterious illness onboard before it spreads to the millions outside the plane. "Pandemic," a Hallmark Channel Original Movie Event, airs Monday, May 26 (8am/7c).

Tiffani Thiessen (where's the Amber?) as a doctor who's an infectious disease expert? Yeah, I can see that.


When early effects of an impending solar explosion wreak havoc on Earth, Dr. Christopher Richardson (Luke Perry) and National Intelligence Agent Lisa Delgado (Tia Carrere) find themselves caught in the middle of societal breakdown in "Supernova," a Hallmark Channel Original Movie Event, airing Monday, May 26 (11am/10c).

Believe it or not, I've actually watched "Supernova." I was in Russia last year and the Hallmark Channel was one of three English channels at the hotel. It's tough to say what was more implausible: the plot, having Luke Perry play a distinguished astronomer, or Tia Carrere in the role of "National Intelligence Agent."

Then, we get another look at the epic battle between green and mean:

Shark Swarm

In a California coastal town, fisherman Daniel Wilder (John Schneider) and his wife, Brooke (Daryl Hannah), discover the terrifying side-effects of an unscrupulous developer's (played by Armand Assante) attack on the environment: the environment is attacking back, as the local shark population is now traveling in unstoppable swarms with a terrifying, single-minded purpose. "Shark Swarm," a Hallmark Channel Original Movie Event, airs Monday, May 26 (5pm/4c).

The environment is attacking back? The more I read about "Shark Swarm" (and look at the ridiculous pictures) the more and more I fall in love with this movie. Move over "Road House." This is shaping up to be the single most entertaining movie of all time. I can't believe we have to wait another month to see it. Quit teasing us Hallmark Channel!

Finally, we end the day with...

Killer Wave

After massive tidal waves strike the East Coast, a team of scientists confers to discover the reason behind the devastating phenomenon, including nuclear arms expert John McAdams (played by Angus Macfadyen) who believes that the cataclysms are terrorist-triggered undersea missiles. Unbeknownst to him, billionaire industrialist Victor Bannister (Tom Skerritt) is working behind the scenes to thwart McAdams' investigation. The Cable Television Premiere of "Killer Wave" airs Monday, May 26 (8pm/7c) exclusively on Hallmark Channel.

Another evil businessman! Who would have thunk it?

I'll close with one cultural observation: is it any wonder that so many American women increasingly embrace the "safety" of the Nanny State when they take in a steady diet of "white knuckle" crap like this?