Thursday, May 22, 2008

Moley, moley, moley, moley, moley!

This week's City Pages has a story on how the FBI is recruiting for a local undercover op:

Carroll, who requested that his real name not be used, showed up early and waited anxiously for Swanson's arrival. Ten minutes later, he says, a casually dressed Swanson showed up, flanked by a woman whom he introduced as FBI Special Agent Maureen E. Mazzola.

For the next 20 minutes, Mazzola would do most of the talking.

"She told me that I had the perfect 'look,'" recalls Carroll. "And that I had the perfect personality--they kept saying I was friendly and personable--for what they were looking for."

What they were looking for, Carroll says, was an informant--someone to show up at "vegan potlucks" throughout the Twin Cities and rub shoulders with RNC protestors, schmoozing his way into their inner circles, then reporting back to the FBI's Joint Terrorism Task Force, a partnership between multiple federal agencies and state and local law enforcement. The effort's primary mission, according to the Minneapolis division's website, is to "investigate terrorist acts carried out by groups or organizations which fall within the definition of terrorist groups as set forth in the current United States Attorney General Guidelines."

The perfect look and personality, eh? I wonder if any local bloggers would qualify.

Learned Foot from The Kool Aid Report? They're trying to infiltrate the looney left, not the Mafia.

Our own JB Doubtless? While the outrage is definitely there, the facial hair just doesn't quite work.

The Nihilist in Golf Pants? While the reward would certainly tempt him:

Carroll would be compensated for his efforts, but only if his involvement yielded an arrest. No exact dollar figure was offered.

He oozes corporate boardroom, not anarchist commune. But if the FBI ever needs help with a back-dated stock option sting, he's their man.

How about the bane of local liberals Michael Brodkorb? Sorry, needed to inject a little humor there. Michael's a good guy, but I don't think he could infiltrate a Whole Foods store--to say nothing of a vegan potluck--without arousing suspicion.

No, there clearly is only one person uniquely qualified for the mole role. Friendly and personable? Check. Dietary requirements? Check. Works in an environment known for radicals? Check. Appropriate facial hair to recall the "good old days" of the Sixties protest movement? He's definitely got "the look." Best of all, I understand he makes an Armenian vegetable hot dish that's simply to die for.

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