Tuesday, August 19, 2008

Room For One More

To be posted on Craigslist shortly:

Are you a family values Republican still looking for a place to stay in the Twin Cities for the Republican National Convention? Do you want all the comforts of home without having to miss out on any of the daily family interactions?

Then, we have the place for you. A family setting only ten minutes from downtown Minneapolis and twenty from downtown Saint Paul.

You'll stay in our cozy guest room downstairs complete with cable and wireless internet access. A television is also available on the main floor if you enjoy watching SpongeBob and construction videos (over and over and over...)

You will also have your own private bathroom although you'll be lucky if you're allowed more than five minutes alone in there at any one time.

You won't need an alarm clock since you'll never be allowed to sleep past 7am. You won't need a gym because you'll get all the exercise you need chasing two toddler boys around*. If you have some extra energy and time, the lawnmower in the shed out back is available for your exclusive use. There's also a sprinkler available for recreational water use.

Dirty diapers, temper tantrums, picky eating, bloody noses, screaming, sobbing, and the stampede of little feet will all be available around the clock so you need never miss the joys of home.

Shuttle service is available to Target (the store not the center) at least four days a week.

Fresh coffee is brewed every morning and available if you get to the pot fast enough. Bread and bagels are available for toasting. Beer and whisky will also be available for medicinal purposes at the end of the day.

Book now as an offer like this won't last long.

* Guests are solely responsible for injuries sustained in said pursuit or from stepping on toys, being hit in the groin, gashed on the cheek, poked in the eye, etc.

UPDATE-- Paul e-mails to provide a mile high view on the matter:

Hey Chad, I loved Room For One More. Three year old twins down here. Oh how I can relate. There is no way I would rent our house out to the Liberal freaks down here at the Denver DNC.

I was wondering if you guys have had special forces mock takedowns of the Target Center like we had at Mile High last month? Some of my wife's ultra liberal coworkers are getting out of town because in their own words "The Democrats are coming..." and all of their nut job freaks. All of the hospitals including my Wife's will be on alert all week.

A musical theme for the week down here I would like for the DNC is Black Sabbath's The Mob Rules. The local media coverage has been beyond orgasmic and we can't wait until it ends.

I think the whole city will feel like a freshman honey asked to the local frat keg party. Sure it's a great time until you wake up in the morning rode hard and put away wet. I hope then the Denver metro area can take a long hot shower and maybe take a trip to the free clinic.