A few years ago there was an e-mail making the rounds that featured a list of phrases that a mother of boys had uttered over the years. Phrases that she would never have imagined herself using before becoming a mother. It was a rather hilarious view of the trials and tribulations of life with small boys.
My wife and I could have complied a similar list based on our experiences over the last couple of years. On a fairly regular basis one of us will catch ourselves or hear the other say something that at the time seems deadly serious, but in hindsight is ridiculous for its sheer absurdity.
The most recent example was Saturday, when my wife addressed our eldest son with the admonition, "Don't eat Christmas ornaments!" This is just the latest in a long line of "Don't eat _____!" or "Don't chew on ______!" warnings with just about anything and everything you can imagine filling in the blanks.
Another one of my favorite fill in the blanks is "Don't use _____ as a weapon!" Again, you can hardly begin to imagine the infinite variety of things that fill the bill for toddlers in this area. Prisoners are often renowned for their imagination and innovation when it comes to weaponizing the most of innocent seeming items to use against the screws. But they can't hold a candle to a determined child looking for a way to tip the balance of power in the never-ending struggle for sibling supremacy. Anyone who still believes that humans are born pure of heart has never witnessed the obviously malicious intent as the most innocent-looking of children will take advantage of an opportunity to knock his brother upside the head with _____.