Monday, July 20, 2009

The Wacky Morning D.J. Says Democracy's A Joke

To celebrate the tenth anniversary of the premier of the SpongeBob Squarepants show, Nickelodeon hosted the SpongeBob Squarepants Sponge Bash last weekend. It featured ten new episodes, ten celebrities' favorite episodes, and the top ten episodes of all time as voted by "fans."

Fans in this case apparently meant youngsters with underdeveloped brains full of mush or stoners with brains turned to slush (thanks Ben). How else to explain the results? Here is the list of top ten SpongeBob episodes that Nick aired on Saturday:

10. Suds
9. Patty Hype
8. Valentine's Day
7. The Paper
6. Help Wanted
5. SB 129
4. The Camping Episode
3. Ripped Pants
2. F.U.N.
1. Pizza Delivery

Now I'm as much of a believer in "power to the people" as the next fellow but really now, this is quite absurd. Here now, is the real list of the ten best SpongeBob episodes of all time.

10. Plankton's Army: Plankton harnesses the power of numbers, but learns that he can't handle the truth. We learn that his name is Sheldon.

9. Chocolate With Nuts: SB and Patrick try to make it big by selling chocolate door to door. Many hilarious encounters ensure, but none better than with Mary and her mother.

8. Ugh: A trip back in time B.C. (before comedy) with SpongeGar, Patar, and Squog. It takes a few viewings to appreciate how funny this episode really is.

7. Sailor's Mouth: SB and Patrick learn to use "sentence enhancers." I don't understand. The guy's talented, but he doesn't have to work blue.

6. Rock-A-Bye Bivalve: SB and Patrick play parents to help raise a baby clam and domestic tranquility does not ensue. Patrick coming home late from "work" with a lampshade on his head and being met at the door by a ticked off SB is one of the best scenes in the series history.

5. Krusty Krab Training Video: People Order Our Patties has to be the best corporate acronym of all time.

4. F.U.N.: SB decides that all Plankton needs is a friend. He learns a valuable lesson in the intractability of one's nature. Plankton's version of the F.U.N. song alone makes it worth watching. "N is for no survivors..."

3. The Camping Episode: The C-A-M-P-F-I-R-E-S-O-N-G and seabears both in the same episode? Squidward: What happened that time? SpongeBob: I don't know! I guess he just doesn't like you. Patrick: Pretend to be somebody else.

2. Jellyfish Jam: As the first episode I probably ever watched and definitely the first one I ever appreciated, this holds a special place for me. Plus my kids love to dance to it.

1. Band Geeks: From start to climatic finish, it's an absolute classic. Many memorable lines and a nod to Eighties metal make for great fun.

(Honorable mention: Pickles, Patrick Smartpants, Bubblestand, Ghost Host, Roller Cowards, No Weenies Allowed, Frankendoodle, Idiot Box, Graveyard Shift, Wet Painters)