Friday, June 18, 2010

Learned Hand?

They're out there, spewing their condescending nonsense. They will tell you that you can't believe your own eyes, that watching paint dry is exciting. Only you can't understand it because you have an American perspective. You aren't sophisticated like the peoples of Africa, Asia, and Europe. Who are they? Obamaniacs? No, they are soccer fans. And they are buzzing with excitement about the World Cup.

As a red blooded American, you probably haven't given any thought to soccer. Most Americans don't. Football is king in the USA. Baseball, basketball and NASCAR are also royalty. Minor sports like hockey, golf and even figure skating receive American attention. Soccer fanatics think this is wrong. They use phrases like "real football," or "futbal." It upsets them that you ignore their game, but you are right.

To those who say that I'm ignorant of the game's strategy, beauty, or some other BS, I would respond that I played soccer through high school (and in a college intramural league) and I also have soccer coaching experience.

I'd add that soccer is a fine game to play. It's the ideal game for a parent who wants their kid to run around and get tired so they don't hassle them later in the day. It's fun if you are the one running aroung. However to a spectator it has the unusual distinction of being the only game I know of where it's more fun to watch third graders play than to watch the best players in the world. I enjoyed playing soccer, but I cannot stand watching it. I don't want to be subjected to it and you shouldn't either. Simply put, Americans are above watching soccer.

Objectively speaking, soccer is the most popular sport in the world. Yet it isn't even on the radar in the United States. Why is that? I'd argue that it is because Americans are more evolved than foreigners.

Want proof? Per none other than economics guru King Banaian, it's an economic truth that Americans enjoy a higher standard of living than 99% of the world. I'd argue that this means that America's judgement on the value of things makes more sense than that of dirt-eating foreigners. If most prosperous people in the world think soccer sucks, but they love it in sub-Saharan Africa, who is correct? Ponder that.

I'd add that in addition to the soft science of economics, the hard science of biology argues against soccer. What separates man from the beasts? Our large and complex brains is the most prominent difference. And where our our brains? Inside our skulls. Skulls that are protected by helmets in exciting contact sports like football, baseball, and hockey. Not only does the sport of soccer offer no protection for the human head, it actively advocates banging ones head against a ball. Some say this is harmless, but can it possibly be good for you?

Evolutionary theory suggests that many animals posses intelligence, but only primates were able to develop into a higher species. And what separates primates from the lesser animals? One key aspect feature of higher primates is the thumb, or an opposable digit. Man's hand is an evolutionary wonder. Scientists argue that the development of an opposable thumb allowed man to develop tools and written language, which increased their intelligence. Dolphins are clearly an intelligent animal, but they never developed into an orderly society because they had no opposable digits. How do soccer players value the miraculous human hands? They make it illegal to use them. The rules of soccer fight against what makes man great.

Don't succumb to the pressure of the soccer bullies. It wouldn't be civilized.