Wednesday, July 20, 2011

We CAN Be Number One!

Last Sunday I tuned in the USA-Japan Women’s World Cup Final. Like most sports fans, I had been utterly unaware that the 2011 FIFA Women’s World Cup was about to take place. I tuned in because, as a jingoistic American, I am always happy to see Team USA crush foreigners and raise the Stars and Stripes in triumph – even in a sport I normally care nothing about.

Alas, the women of Team USA let me down and lost to Japan in a shootout. (By the way, why doesn’t soccer have sudden death overtime like real sports?). But watching in hopes of seeing a self-esteem boosting pro-America celebration was a reasonable risk.

Unlike the Men’s World Cup, America is always competitive in the Women’s World Cup. (Fraters Libertas gatekeepers checking Google – yep, int he six Women’s World Cups held, Team USA has now finished first twice, second once, and third three times). We can thank American political correctness for this relative success (in the 19 Men’s World Cups, Team USA has finished in the top three only once – a third place finish in the first ever World Cup in 1930). Thanks to Title IX, the law that requires equal participation for women in high school and college athletics, America has consistently contended for titles in Women’s sports that are ignored by the less enlightened parts of the world.

We can apply the same principle to boost our national self-esteem in other areas, as well. For example: academics.

In 2009, American 15 year olds ranked a pathetic 15th in the world in Reading, 31st in Mathematics, and 23rd in Science. We trail countries like Poland, Finland, and Estonia– countries we usually only lose to in men’s soccer.

Some might suggest that we find a way to improve our reading, mathematics, and science education. The problem is, we’ve already tried that. We are already near the top in education spending. It is time to forget about trying to improve our rankings in subjects everyone wants to be good in and put our aptitude for political correctness to good work. We must concentrate our educational efforts on the one subject that we CAN beat the world in: Gay Studies.

California is taking the lead in making us number one again by passing a law requiring LGBT curriculum in schools. (By the way, I thought the acronym used to be GLBT. Did the lesbians stage some kind of coup?) Some have criticized California for this program, including our own James from Folsom. These critics are not so much homophobes as America-is-number-one-phobes.

Since very few historical figures have admitted to being gay, we are forced to rely on innuendo and gossip to identify gays in history. This gives America a huge advantage over the more empirical countries with their high math and science scores that are prejudiced in favor of solid evidence. In America, the likes of the National Enquirer have been speculating on secretly gay celebrities for years. No other country will be able to touch us, not even France!

When the next international educational rankings come out, we will not be lamenting our poor Math and Science rankings. No, we will take one look at our gay studies ranking and break into that wondrous chant: USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA!