Saturday, January 04, 2014

You Know We’re Living In A Society!

Unfortunately, it’s that time of year again.  It’s the time when people have made their resolutions to exercise more and, therefore, are crowding the fitness clubs that people like me frequent at least twelve times a month year round.  While it’s true that most of these folks will give up on their unattainable goal within a month or so and return to their couches with their Cheesy Poofs and their super sized Mountain Dew, I feel it is necessary to go over some of my fitness club ground rules.

First, the basics.  Wipe the machine off after you’ve used it.  Nobody wants to put their hands on the elliptical machine handles that your sweat drenched paws just touched.  There are disinfectant wipe dispensers all over the place.  Take ten seconds to use them.  It’s a common courtesy if you’re not a self-absorbed jack wagon.

On a related note, don’t leave tissues, band-aids, empty water bottles, sweaty towels or anything else at the machine after you are done with it.  If it wasn’t there when you arrived, take it with you when you leave.  It’s a common courtesy if you’re not a self-absorbed douchebag.

Next, if you have to open the safety pin attached to the locker key please close the damn thing before you unlock your locker.  Nothing is more unexpectedly painful than reaching to unlock a locker and having a pin jammed into the skin between your thumb and forefinger.  It’s a common courtesy if you’re not a self-absorbed chucklehead.

Lastly, and I’m distressed that I even have to mention this, if I hold the door open for you, try to say “Thank you” or, at the very least, acknowledge my presence rather than just walking through the open door and carrying on with your life.  It’s a common courtesy if you’re not a self-absorbed melon farmer.

Now then, on to locker room etiquette.  Your dangly bits are not attractive and should be covered as much as possible.  Shaving while naked is not acceptable.  Standing at your locker and texting while naked is not acceptable.  Rubbing moisturizer all over your naked body is absolutely not acceptable.  I will concede that showering while naked is acceptable but I will never set foot in that steam filled bacteria incubator so do what you want to in there, just keep it in there.  Please try to remember, the locker room is not your personal bathroom.  You are sharing it with dozens of other men.  Behave accordingly.  It’s a common courtesy if you’re not a self-absorbed slubberdegullion (ok, so I’m running out of creative insults).

Bottom line here, people, is that you are sharing these facilities with other humans.  Try to act like one while you are there.