Monday, May 30, 2016

The Anatomy of Winning Elections

The Congressional election in Minnesota’s 8th district features a rematch from two years ago, the, now, incumbent Rick Nolan (DFL) and his Republican challenger, Stewart Mills.

The same candidates, discussing the same issues, in order to represent the same geographic area.  If the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over again and expecting a different result, those holding out hope for a Stewart Mills victory may benefit from seeking out a good psychopharmacologist.    

However, don’t place that mail order for your lithium prescription just yet.   For the wily Stewart Mills has endeavored to shake this redux election to its core.  

The man once referred to as the ”Brad Pitt of the Republican Party” ….

… has cut his hair.  

Kudos to Mills though for giving the voters the 'change' they claim to be calling for.  And kudos for giving us a controlled test at that.  Everything is identical about this election, except for this one variable – the length of one of the candidate’s hair.   Finally, we can test the effect of hair on electoral outcomes, under laboratory conditions.  

After this, here’s to methodically moving down the human body and testing one anatomical feature at a time, and we can finally engineer the perfect candidate.  

UPDATE:  Disturbing news out of the Rick Nolan campaign.  After consulting with his senior campaign advisers, Rick Nolan is debuting his new campaign ad tomorrow featuring this look:  

Well that certainly confuses the issue.  Why does Rick Nolan hate science?

UPDATE:  According to inside sources, Stewart Mills will not let this bold challenge go unanswered.  At a hastily called press conference at 12 noon tomorrow in front of the Great Clips on Miller Trunk Highway in Duluth, Mills plans to reestablish his advantage.  

Your move, Rick Nolan.