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Previously on the Newspaper Newlyweds ... the
cohabitating columnists from Crocus Hill were left on a relatively happy
note, with Nick Coleman presenting his wife, the avaricious Laura
Billings, with a brand spanking new luxury automobile. But, as is the
roller coaster pattern with these two kids, the serenity couldn't last.
Eschewing his newfound domestic tranquility, Nick recently chronicled
for all to see his intimate reengagement with an old friend - the local
pornographic industry. In Nick's most
recent column, he reveals some of his favorite moments in Twin
Cities porn. Beginning with his "journalistic interest" in a
recently opened dirty book store not too far from his stately Crocus
Hill mansion:
...the Love Doctor, opened on University near Snelling, offering
X-rated magazines, movies and novelties. This is an especially wholesome
part of St. Paul where the big excitement is watching old cars drive up
and down on weekends. So as an inquiring newsman, I visited the Doctor
as soon as I heard of it.
Yes, an inquiring newsman must get down there quickly to see what's
REALLY going on in an X-rated store called the Love Doctor. Besides,
that copy of Screw Magazine isn't going to read itself you know.
Nick then goes on to feign that his knowledge of the porn industry is
really not from firsthand experience:
I have not made a scientific survey of X-rated businesses in the Twin
Cities, but a cursory glance at the ads in the back of a local weekly
suggests that there are a dozen or so strip joints in Minneapolis and
only one that survives in St. Paul.
I'm not sure what a scientific survey might imply, but my guess is his
cursory glance was funded by several dozen single dollars of research.
Coleman finishes with a reminiscence of the glory days of St. Paul porn,
which ended in 1989 with the closing of "a giant porn complex at
University and Dale called the Notorious Faust." Well, at least
that was before he met Laura. Maybe that had something to do with the
end of his first marriage?
I had the good luck of witnessing the riot on the Faust's last day of
notoriety, when reporters, anti-porn activists and thrifty porn
customers (everything was on sale for half-off) converged in an amazing
fracas, a 10-minute brawl that see-sawed from the porn aisles into the
street.
I am not making this up: A toothless old man in a raincoat was pounding
on a counter loudly demanding to know where the lesbian videos could be
found while the beefy clerks were jumping over the counter swinging saps
at reporters, customers and politicians. They shoved everyone out onto
the street into a huge slush puddle while cop cars roared up and tried
to save the city from turning into Sodom or Gomorrah right on the spot.
That was a fun day.
Based on his ability to attract Laura Billings' affection in the first
place, we know that Nick is a lavish spender. And just imagine how much
more he could buy in a going out of business sale. But what, exactly, is
a "sap"? From the context I have to assume it's some really
disgusting sex toy that you wouldn't want swung at you. I can't say for
sure, and maybe only two people in St. Paul can: that mysterious,
toothless old man with the hankering for lesbian videos and Nick Coleman
(assuming those are different people).
Giving more insight into the morality of Nick Coleman, recall he's the
guy who was outraged
at the sight of a prayer breakfast on the grounds of the state capitol.
Yet a porn shop fracas is not the least bit scandalous. No, instead,
that was a fun day.
Hard to say how Nick's very public interest in adult entertainment is
going to go over at the House of Coleman-Billings. As the Newspaper
Newlywed archives
reveal, Laura hasn't been shy about humiliating her husband in print for
his other indiscretions and failings (he's a slob, his advanced age
makes "performance" unpredictable, he doesn't wrap presents
nicely enough). But will she go as far as ridiculing her spouse in the
pages of the Pioneer Press for his potential, heartbreaking addiction to
pornography?
Tune in next time for all the scandalous (alleged) details in the Twin
Cities favorite soap opera between-the-lines, The Newspaper Newlyweds.
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