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According to her most
recent column, Nick Coleman's wife Laura Billings has been doing
some vanity Googling. And guess what she discovered:
Through e-mails from readers and Internet searches of my own name,
I've found some fascinating details about myself. Among them, that I am
a failed conservative talk-radio host; a lesbian in a committed domestic
partnership; a Dartmouth graduate; the adoptive mother of two children
from Colombia; the wife of Joe Soucheray; a member of the Green Party,
the Socialist Democratic Party and the Communist Party; a fanatical
collector of Beanie Babies; an expert on reintroducing aquarium-raised
orcas into the wild; and the sole heir to my husband's family's vast
fortune of inherited and ill-gotten wealth, similar to that of the
Kennedys.
I think that last blurb can only mean one thing. Laura Billings has
caught on to the hottest soap opera in town (at least since Plain Layne
was exposed as a Ozzie Nelson), the Newspaper
Newlyweds! We welcome Laura to the readership and encourage her to
help us flesh out any details we may miss in the future on their
continuing romance between the broadsheets.
In today's column, Laura does provide her first piece of feedback for
us, in the form of a blanket denial:
None of that is true. But the Internet version of me sounds so very
interesting that the real-life me is a bit of a letdown.
I find that last part hard to believe. I suspect she's a bit of a
firecracker. How else would she be able to attract and seduce a wealthy,
older, powerful man like Nick Coleman? Newspaper Newlyweds co-author Man
from Silver Mountain (MFSM) also had this observation:
The interesting part is in what she didn't deny: that Nick is her
husband, that he has had performance problems, that they have no control
over their spending habits, and they fight like cats and dogs. Sometimes
what someone doesn't say can tell you a lot.
Very true. It's just that kind of insight into human nature that makes
him such a good observer and analyst of Nick and Laura's behavior. More
evidence that he's got their number is found in this Billings gratuitous
slur, clearly directed at our friend MFSM
...especially those lonely guys who write withering and anonymous
social commentary in their underpants.
According to reports, MFSM does write exclusively in his skivvies, but
so what? I think anyone who has the option to do that and chooses not to
is the real weirdo. If Laura would start knocking out prose in her
frilly under-things maybe Nick Coleman wouldn't be so cranky all the
time. And maybe she'd be inspired to actually write something a little
bolder than random thoughts that occur to her while making dinner. But
until that day we're left with things like this:
The Internet may be the most amazing tool for fact-finding and
enlightenment ever devised but, just as often, it is a great big garbage
can of deception and delusion.
Sometimes you have to take off the Google goggles to see the world as it
really is.
Yes, I'm sure this morning heads all over Crocus Hill and Mac Groveland
are wryly grinning and thoughtfully nodding at that one (Honey, Laura
Billings has done it again!) Might I remind you that Laura Billings is
getting PAID for this level of commentary. Any wonder why the Pioneer
Press circulation is at historically low levels?
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